Home Sweet Hotel Room

I'm in Houston on business and I'm learning once again that marriage and motherhood have ruined Fancy Hotel rooms with king-sized beds for me. You'd think it would make me soak up the night of solitude all the more, but I miss my boys terribly. I miss the craziness and the dogs and the cuddling with JP and hugs and blown kisses from Landon. I'll be home before he goes to bed tomorrow and I can't wait to read our books and hear about his day, but at least now he's old enough to have brief conversations with me on the phone. I'm looking forward to a weekend filled with birthday parties and a trip to the San Antonio zoo. Until then, I'm going to keep looking at my favorite pictures from his daycare conference.

He's going to be an awesome big brother.


Cooking up some homemade playdough.


Cupcakes! for a friend's birthday.


Man I miss that kid.

Happy Tuesday

I was going to write this post yesterday, but ran out of time during the day and then fell asleep very early last night. So now it's titled Happy Tuesday, but most of the happiness is carry-over from Monday. Monday was happy because:

(1.) I have a pretty new set of Pilot G2 pens from Costco. Writing in magenta or burgundy makes editing your memo for the fifth (or fifteenth) time so much more fun.

(2.) My nausea is gone. Completely gone. I can even skip breakfast again like I used to! (I don't of course because I'm pregnant and I delight in my extra calorie needs, but I can. I can wake up and think about how tired I am rather than how quickly I need to shove some sort of food product in my mouth before I throw up. I can brush my teeth and get ready and then eat with a plate like a civilized person. It's delightful.)

(3.) I attended Landon's first parent-teacher conference at New Center yesterday and came away wanting to hug my child to death and cry because every day he gets a teensy bit older and this age is SO PERFECT that I want to stay here forever. Needless to say, the conference went great. The teacher said he is very sweet and smart and fun and the other kids love him. My favorite part was when she said that when another kid is hurt or sad (like at drop-off in the morning) Landon will walk over and give them a pat. My two-year-old has empathy. I don't think JP learned that skill until his early 20's. She also showed me a slidehow of pictures and several video clips and it was so fun to get a view into his little world. There's three little girls who follow him around and do whatever he's doing. My favorite picture was of him feeding a baby doll a bottle in the family center with his three lady friends next to him. She remarked on how mellow and easy going he is and said he's a "favorite friend" of the other kids- especially those assertive girls :)

I think one of the things you worry about most in sending your child out into the world (even if the "world" is a daycare classroom) is that other people won't appreciate what an amazing, special little person he or she is. And what I love most about his new teacher is that she seems to truly love her job and her toddlers. She picked up on so many little nuances of Landon that I can tell she's paying attention and really interracting with him (and I know she does this with all the other kids too- she smiles so much when she talks about them). I loved hearing her describe my little guy and I kept nodding along and laughing as we talked about his mannerisms and favorite things. It was a great 30 minutes and I'm so glad he's thriving at the New Center - he loves it there and we love that he's now verbal enough to tell us something about his day and bring home new words and phrases.

In not-as-happy news, we finally told my in-laws I'm pregnant (through a very cute frame with Landon in his "big brother" shirt and the ultrasound photo, which I decorated to say "Surprise!" at the top, "oh baby" on the sides, and "due in June" on the bottom) and she said, "Oh, I thought you looked pregnant when you were here in September!" I wasn't pregnant when I was there in September. Awesome.

He's Napping With It Right Now

This year is the first Halloween Landon was verbal enough to get to choose his own costume. I was curious to see what he'd pick. He loves trucks, but hasn't quire grasped the human equivalents- I'm sure he'd love to be an actual fire truck, but a fireman wouldn't do anything for him. He seemed a little old for another animal costume, much as I'd love to make him a bumble bee or puppy dog (at least I'll always have the lobster). So I opened up a random Halloween magazine we'd received in the mail and asked what costume he liked. He immediately yelled "PUNKINS!" and thus it was decided.

Because I am not crafty, I picked up the costume at Pottery Barn Kids. It looked well-made and cozy and actually came in a 2t-3T size. (Apparently lots of magazines only think babies want to be pumpkins - little do they know I have a toddler who is obsessed with them. He asks to go to HEB every day just because of the giant "punkin" display in the front.)

We got it out yesterday morning to try it on before his daycare costume parade. He fell in love with the hat.

When I removed the hat to put on the rest of the costume I unwittingly separated him from the new love of his life and he ended up rolling and screaming on the tile floor of the kitchen. I abandoned try-on attempt and hoped I hadn't set a precedent that would ensure the full costume was never worn. He left for daycare still wearing that hat - I could see the stem poking up from behind his car seat as JP drove away.

When I got to the daycare parade Landon was still running around in his pumpkin hat and I asked him very nicely if I could put on the rest of his costume. He looked at me solemnly and said, "Real quick mama" with a little head nod, and then stood stoically as I carefully maneuvered the stuffed pumpkin over his hat. I love being able to talk with him now, it makes life so much easier for both of us.

And the full costume? It was adorable.

He left it on all the way through the parade, the party, the parent potluck lunch, and then while he rode his bike around the playground. I loved being there to watch him play with his friends and sit next to him at lunch. He loved it too. He finally let me take off his costume, though of course, the hat remained on. I needed to leave as I'd been there for two hours and we were filing our brief today and prepping a partner for four depositions next week, but his little lip started quivering when I told him mommy had to go.

Luckily, his brilliant teachers had saved dessert for when the parents all said goodbye.

Once he had his cupcake I got a cheerful "bye bye mama!" and two blown kisses. His teacher said the hat stayed on his head all day and then he wore it all evening, even sleeping with it in his crib. We only barely won the battle to take it off for his bath.

He woke up with every intention of wearing it all day today too. And probably every day until Christmas. Here, he's eating breakfast and showing you the pumpkin he made in dacyare. He's very proud of it.

We have two Halloween parties tonight and some trick or treating - I love that Landon is now old enough to be excited about holidays. It makes them even more fun!

Briefs (the legal kind) and Balance

It is such a good feeling to finish a brief you've been working on for weeks. It is a freaking awesome feeling to sit down to read it from start to finish and know that your group has done a good job for the client.

In law school I loathed our 1L research and writing class. I finished my brief during third quarter and vowed I would never write another. Turns out, I just hate brief writing when you're doing it on the same topic as 180 other insane, intense University of Chicago 1L's and you have unlimited time and westlaw searches to make it perfect. I really enjoyed writing the brief for this case. It's a Motion to Dismiss in a very high stakes securities class action (a topic I love) and I got to work with two ridiculously smart people who love what they do and welcome input and enjoy argument. I researched most of our defenses, wrote the first draft of out half the document, and then stood my ground and defended it against the senior associate and partner's roles as devil's advocate. There have been so many marvelous moments of law geekery. I loved working with case law- finding great cases and crafting language around the not-so-great ones. I especially loved sitting in a partner's office and discussing defenses and other ideas and knowing I'm actually contributing. He knows far more about securities law, and far more about litigation in general, but I knew my specific research points and I loved arguing back against his role as attorney from the other side. I learn so much during those exchanges. Most of all I loved the writing. There's almost nothing I enjoy more than playing with words on a computer screen. I'm thankful I work somewhere I can substantively assist in a case this big, and when I make an argument for a section of the brief, the partner just tells me to go write it.

It still surprises me how much I enjoy litigation. I would never have guessed that from law school. But I love working the unique facts of a case around existing law, figuring out (or really listening to smarter, more experienced people figure out) how best to defend the case, and watching our arguments and defenses evolve. Of course there's parts that aren't so fun, but even doc review can be interesting - that's where your facts and evidence come from and I like finding that surprise document that helps us or hurts the other side. You're working with a story and the story changes with each key document you find. And the writing -- in corporate you so rarely draft anything from scratch that I missed starting with a blank page and writing my own words rather than changing a few things about someone else's. There's plenty to like about transactional law, but it is abundantly clear it was the wrong choice for me.

One thing that is not so good? Getting home 10 minutes before Landon goes to bed. I have nothing to mitigate that - it just sucks. I hate not having our evening time together and hate that he was so excited to see me and then so sad when he had to almost immediately go to bed. Each time that happens (which is blessedly very rare, I think this is the 3rd time in the 14 months I've been working), I'm reminded that if it were more common, I would immediately change from being an almost blissfully happy attorney to a bitter, miserable one. It's like a balance next to a precipice. Within a certain range of work/family time everything is great. As I've written ad nauseum, this life is right for me and my family and everyone is happy. But when the balance touches the ground on one side, there's not a corresponding decrease in happiness, it's a plunging spiral into bitterness and doubt. Luckily, such moments are rare. And even though I miss Chicago dearly, I know a huge reason why our life works is because I'm in Austin and not a big city. It's still a big firm and big cases, but there's a different level of intensity and a nice focus on family and hobbies (and an 8 minute commute!).

I'm responsible for shepherding our brief and exhibits through the filing process on Friday, but I'm still heading to Landon's daycare Halloween party for a few hours in the middle of the day to watch the costume parade and join in the parent potluck. The balance will be back and the brief is done.

Thoughts on a Monday Night

1. I want rice krispie treats. Really, really bad. The homemade kind, not the ones wrapped in blue wrappers that have a strong plastic taste.
2. I really, really want to go to bed. Almost as badly as I want homemade rice krispie treats.
3. The amount of work I have to do tonight means that I can't do #1 or #2 on this list. And yet I still love my job.
4. I slept for approximately 24 hours this weekend. I've morphed from an insomniac into a narcoleptic. On Saturday I fell asleep at 6:00 when we got home from an elementary school carnival and woke up disoriented at 8:45. I stumbled out to the living room where JP was working on a research paper and asked what day it was, whether it was am or pm, and what happened to Landon. JP had taken care of everything and said that Landon tried to come tell me goodnight but I didn't move, not even when they poked my toes. And I'm usually a Very light sleeper.
5. Growing a baby is very hard work.
6. Landon surpasses all adjectives. He was so sweet and good and funny this weekend I almost started crying when I realized I missed 2 hours of our time together because of my pregnancy-induced narcolepsy.
7. But then I went back to bed and slept for 10 more hours. And I accidentally took a nap on Sunday too.
8. I hate taking naps, it feels like I'm wasting so much time.
9. Speaking of wasting time, I really need to get to work.
10. But how awesome was Mad Men last night?

Hello Little Bean

The appointment went great! There is ONE baby bean with a very strong, beautifully flickering heartbeat. I'm so glad JP was able to be there with me, even if he did have to miss an important seminar and write a paper to make up for it.

I really like my doctor and her nurse. I still miss my Chicago midwife, but I think this practice is going to be great for us, especially since this time around I will be carefully monitored for pre-term labor. Our goal this time is 37 weeks gestation and no NICU time. A baby born without being covered in bruises is also of high importance and we're talking about opting for a c-section since if I do hold on to the baby longer, there's every reason to believe he'll be bigger than the 7 lb. 7 oz. 5-week early Landon. That's something we'll keep discussing during my check-ups and I'd like to talk about it here as long as everyone can play nice in the comments. I'm sure it won't be a problem, as I have great readers who leave thoughtful comments even when they disagree with me, (except for one person who was determined to tell me I'm fat; I wonder if I should stop deleting those as I get bigger since they'll be closer to true?), I've just seen comments devolve on childbirth issues so many times before.

But overall today was a great day and we're very excited about our baby bean!

Big Day

Tomorrow is my first pregnancy doctor appointment. I'm both more and less anxious than I thought I'd be. On the one hand, now that I feel wretched for most of the day, I finally believe I am pregnant and don't need the ultrasound to prove it to me. On the other hand, both JP and my families have a history of miscarriage (our mothers had a combined total of five) and this first check into the health of the baby makes me nervous. And for some reason the completely unplanned nature of my pregnancy makes me even more nervous - like because when I first took that pregnancy test I hoped it would be negative, I somehow deserve something to be wrong. Irrational thoughts, but ones that pop up in my head every now and then.

One advantage of this appointment is that afterwards I can officially announce my pregnancy to the rest of the office. I know some people wait until after the first trimester, but I'm tired of pretending I don't feel like absolute crap every morning (and afternoon and evening). Should something go wrong between now and 13 weeks I'd want some time off and I'd want people to know why. We have a relatively small, close-knit section and I don't enjoy hiding this from them. Plus, I need to be able to commiserate with those who've done this before. Working while pregnant sucks, and it sucks even more when you really like your job and can't do your best at it because your stomach is staging a violent revolt all day and you're so tired at night you fall asleep on the couch at 8 p.m. I'm currently revising the number I children I planned to have.

(Although, when Landon snuggles into my lap while we were Digger Man and 10 Terrible Dinosaurs and then sighs as he tucks his head into the crook of my neck while I sing him goodnight, I swear I could have at least five of him.)

I look forward to sharing a happy report - and an actual due date! - from the doctor appointment tomorrow.