Lag Liv

Calm Abiding

2012-01-30T17:55:00.001-06:00

I went to yoga against yesterday. I've now spent a grand total of 3 hours in a yoga class in my entire life, all of them in the last 3 weeks, and I'm kind of obsessed. It came to me at a good time (or, really, I came to it). Yesterday's lesson focused on shámatha, a Buddhist "calm abiding" meditation using a dhárana, or single point of concentration. In short, by focusing on something other than all the things bouncing around in your head (aptly described as the monkey brain), like your body position and breathing, you give your monkey brain a branch to rest upon. And my little brain monkey needed a rest. As an added bonus my legs and arms were stretched to their max and my core muscles got a workout, but none of that compares to those few blessed moments that I was able to clear my head and focus solely on a spot beyond my closed eyelids. I leave that class feeling so relaxed and happy- a feeling that continued even after I came home to a house that was still missing a back door (it's back on now and looks FABULOUS), a shorted out electrical switch in the attic (that JP attempted to repair and nearly electrocuted himself; the trained and licensed electrician comes tomorrow), and an ever growing to-do list for getting our house on the market. I'll be at the studio every Sunday until we move, no matter how much JP lovingly mocks my non-aerobic monkey brain workout.

In the spirit of calm abiding, we spent some time hanging out in our master bedroom yesterday. Growing up, I don't think I ever once saw my parent's bed unmade. They went to bed after me and they were up and dressed with their bed perfectly made long before we woke up, so I can only picture their bed in a state of throw-pillowed perfection. JP and my bed is not like that. It's our oasis, a completely kid-free zone from bedtime until morning, but we never make it up, and everyone in the family is generally in and out of it throughout the day on the weekends. It's the place I sneak away to read one more chapter of my book mid-morning, the place I find JP asleep with the covers over his head, hiding from his to-do list in the afternoon (he always falls asleep within 60 seconds of laying down; drives me CRAZY, mostly with jealousy), it's the tickling, teasing, board book reading gathering place with the kids after they get up from their naps, my retreat when I have a headache, and the place I push JP in order to cuddle for just a few minutes in the middle of the day when I don't want to think about to-do lists anymore either... it's not in the physical center of our house, but on the weekends, it often serves as the spot our day ends up revolving around.

After a fun and productive weekend (I made food for every day of this week, and cookies, mostly so I could eat a cup of dough- my appetite is confused after my random two days of intense skiing), today has been the opposing of a calm abiding. I did our taxes and discovered we owed an additional several thousand dollars, a result of not sufficiently withholding extra money from JP's paychecks (a result of having never had two full-time incomes before). I found out that I officially did not get a bonus. I figured, but I had a secret hope that I qualified under the "merit" portion. As it turns, no amount of perfect reviews or partners crying because you're leaving can make up for missing the 2,000 hour threshold (and no amount of 200+ hour months can make up for your first 3 months being under 100 hours because work was so slow during the first quarter of the year). I talked to JP as he was picking up his newly repaired and repainted car and he told me his new company doesn't pay bonuses until April (we thought it was end of Jan when their fiscal year closes). And all this info sprinkled in while I talked to realtors, inspectors, electricians, home stagers, and lenders. Also, Claire sobbed at daycare drop off. I want my dhárana back.

It'll work out, because it always does. We'll probably have to go to an apartment first (or rent a house, but my Ft Worth realtor confirmed that there is not much of a home leasing/rental market in the area we want to buy, which every single person I've talked to has volunteered as the best neighborhood ever, and which trulia.com has taught me only ever has 2-3 homes for sale at a time and the ones I like sell within 48 hours), which means moving twice and I don't know what we'll do with the dogs. But given our tax bill and other things, I don't think we could buy right away even if we wanted to, and other than the issue of the two giant dogs, renting for a while does make an annoying amount of sense.

So that's today's news. I'll process it tonight and come back tomorrow and research the hell out of the rental market and find the Best Rental Ever and everything will fall into place on a path that will end up giving us the Best House Ever, etc. a few extra months down the road. Until then, look at my baby boy:

How and when did he become so very big kiddish? He's supposed to start Kindergarten in the Fall. (Maybe. Yet another decision tree to research and decide upon.)

And then there's the Bear, who is on the cusp of big girldom herself. She eats everything with utensils, puts on her own shoes, offers strong opinions on her clothes (and everything else), and apparently used the potty successfully today at daycare. Not that I wouldn't love to get rid of diapers, but what on earth? She's 19 months old, this is supposed to be my baby. My last baby.

We haven't told Landon about the move yet. Now that our vacation is over and we're about to get a sign in our front yard, we'll tell him soon. He's going to be sad to leave his friends- most of them have been in the same class together for 3 years, but he's a nice mix of mellow and outgoing, so I think he'll adjust pretty easily. Claire won't care as long as her books and her family come with her. And as always, as long as we're together and we can snuggle in bed on the weekends, everything else is secondary. No matter how much I cringe at thinking of moving twice in the next year. And oh, I cringe.

Calm abiding. It'll come back. Perhaps tomorrow.

Whirlwind

2012-01-28T15:38:00.004-06:00

We're back! The trip was wonderful, a truly welcome respite from the nervous anticipation of the past few months and the craziness of the months ahead. The kids were great travelers- even though JP and I were exhausted when we got everyone and everything home at 5:30 last night, I don't think it could have gone better. They slept well, ate well, played well, and traveled well, and it certainly helps that Landon continues to consider Claire's happiness to be his personal mission in life. So I have no complaints, and I love how freaking adorable they can both be at these ages, but man it will be nice to one day travel without two giant car seats, a pack 'n play, and two kids who can't be left alone for a moment (and a Claire who basically just counts as another bag because she has to be carried, though she did helpfully insist on wearing her penguin backpack while being carried).

This will be the equivalent of your neighbors making you watch a slideshow of their vacation, so I apologize in advance, but I have to include some pictures for posterity. Here are days 2-4 of our 2012 family vacation, in brief:

Little skiier:

What JP and I were so excited to run into while coming down the mountain for lunch: (aren't little chains of ski schoolers adorable?)

(squee! JP and I both kind of flipped out when we saw Landon;
if I was him, I would have been totally embarrassed)

End of day 2 when we got to take Landon up on a run with us! I cannot even describe how excited we were to get to do that- our baby boy! on skis! with us!!

The parents grinning ear-to-ear, Landon just wants to get on with the skiing.

"Mommy I KNOW!" (when I was telling him to snow plow for the turn up ahead; one of many reasons why we did not attempt to teach Landon how to ski ourselves (the other being that JP and I wanted fast skiing alone time))

Love this one of father and son heading down our final run:

Heading home with two exhausted kiddos after day 2..

Snowmobile tour up the Continental Divide on day 3- SO MUCH fun (that's Winter Park in the background)

The guide matched my snowmobile to my jacket; good man.

Horse-drawn sleigh ride! We picked the activity because it was the only one Claire could do with us. She loved petting the horsies, but then kind of lost her shit during the first thirty minutes of the ride, calming down only when I held her tight and sang "Dashing through the Snow" over and over (and OVER) again. Landon enjoyed the whole thing, but his favorite part by far was the stop to roast marshmallows and drink hot chocolate, which we could have down without the whole horse-drawn sleigh part.

On the drive back to the condo, we found a park with a sledding hill with a big bin of public sleds! It was one of the many things we discovered while looking at the park and town through our kids' eyes, a view that really changed the trip for us (for the better).

Landon loved it, as he loved everything snow-related:

Mommy took a turn (I swear it was faster than this looks):

My little Chicago baby:

I loved all the fun and activities, but one of the best parts of the day came at night when we put on pjs, fuzzy socks, and a movie and snuggled together on the couch. (Another best part was when both kids were passed out in the other room at 6:55 and JP and I had the rest of the evening to ourselves ;)

We really did have so much fun and the whole experience was more than worth the hassle of dragging two kids and all their accessories on planes, trains, buses, and rental cars to enjoy the snow and JP and my favorite kind of vacation. Last night as I was tucking Landon in bed he asked, "mommy, when we can we live in that place where I woke up this morning?" Not soon, but hopefully someday!

Now that we're back the realities of the new job and the move have slammed back to the forefront. JP has removed our backdoor in order to re-paint some rusted spots and just discovered the primer is supposed to dry for 24 hours. It's chilly out (low 50's) so we're all bundled up in sweaters in our house. I listed a few old baby items on craigslist for free (Goodwill won't accept them) and got about 27 phone calls in the first 5 minutes. I seriously underestimated the demand on that one. We have a few other weekend projects and then a home staging appointment on Tuesday, pre-approval meeting with the lender for our Ft Worth house on Wednesday, and I have to drive 90 minutes away to get my federal fingerprinting done on Thursday (because there are no acceptable locations in Austin, grrr). And I'll just admit it now, I'm completely stressed about selling our house for what we paid for it (we bought 6 months before the whole market fell apart), dealing with the dogs and psychotic cat and two kids while trying to keep the house spotless and showable, trying to buy a house in a new city before I start my job which means we have to qualify for the mortgage in JP's name only and we're not sure that's possible, maybe moving to an apartment first with our two kids, two dogs, and psychotic cat, finding daycares for the kids that have room for them for the last few months of the school year, and figuring out the timing of it all while not knowing my start date yet for the SEC because they haven't yet completed the background check. AND doing all of this while JP and I both work full-time with as little gap as possible because we can't have a gap in our paychecks in order to fund all of the above. (and without other little helpers like knowing anyone in the area and/or having retired parents who don't work full-time themselves and will swoop in to assist with these kinds of things; not that I think parents of grown children should have to do that, I'm just going to admit now that there's going to be a moment where I'll wish they did).

It will all work out. I know this. But between now and when it's all worked out, it's going to be a little hectic, and hectic was easier when it was just JP and me. For now we just work on the to-do list, which is currently paused on "re-finish and paint back door" and find comfort in the fact that by this summer we should be moved in and settled in a new house in an exciting new city with a wonderful new job. It's going to be great, but I'm just warning you, there might be a few stress posts sprinkled amongst the kid pictures between now and then.

Ski Trip Day 1

2012-01-26T09:32:00.001-06:00

We've finished our two days of skiing and are about to head out on our 2-hour snowmobile tour with Landon. Clairebear is doing morning daycare today, and then we're doing a horse-drawn sleigh ride with her this afternoon.

It has been such a fun trip. It snowed our first day, so it was a little chilly, and JP and I didn't know the mountain so we kept ending up on these long horrible FLAT greens that he had to steal my poles to pull himself across. But still, any day spent skiing is a good day and we found some great blue and black runs later. Landon did great in ski school and couldn't wait to get back on his skis for day 2. Claire had fun at the kidscamp- her daily sheet described her as "busy, happy, smiley" which sounds like our Bear. We ended the day with sledding and frozen lasagna back at the condo.

A few pictures:

heading out to the slopes

a break in the snow!

my guy

my guy with my stolen ski poles

family picture at the end of day 1

sledding!

bedtime stories in the top bunk

Day 2 was even better- gorgeous weather, great runs, and our little ski school graduate got to go down some runs with us at the end of the day! A preview of what's to come:

We seriously couldn't have been more proud. JP and I just kept grinning over his head as he navigated the slope between us. We love skiing so much, it was so fun to watch Landon enjoy it too!

Is This Where Santa Lives?

2012-01-23T22:17:00.005-06:00

We're here! As it turns out, this is an unduly expensive, poorly timed trip that I booked back when I was working 80 hours a week and thought I was getting a bonus (and thought I'd be at the firm at least another year, and before I backed my car into JP's and wrought $2,000 worth of damage, and before I knew I was taking a pay cut and paying for a move and buying another house...), but I know it's going to be worth it. Or, I've decided it's going to be worth it and am ignoring any qualms to the contrary.

But I know it is. I treasure the memories of my childhood vacations over almost any others.

The flight from Austin to Denver is only 2.25 hours, so we brought our ancient, giant portable DVD player for Landon (he is obsessed with the movie Tangled and we are so glad he will finally watch something for more than 2 minutes) and a bunch of books for Claire, thinking she (who has always been obsessed with the TV) would just watch the screen next to him. Then we cleared 10,000 feet and tried to turn on the DVD player only to find that the battery was dead, despite charging it the night before. Apparently it must be plugged in to work at all now, much like my ancient laptop. So we were stuck with entertaining the children old-school style, with books and a pad of paper and a few pens. And goldfish. It actually went really well. Landon was perfect, Claire very nearly so, though JP and I were pretty tired by the time we landed. Luckily the kids continued to behave with near perfection.

(Side note: luggage-wise, we ended up with one checked bag and one carry-on bag per person, plus the two car seats. I was pretty proud of that result, and my willingness to bring a single pair of shoes and wear two sweaters twice each on the five-day trip. Such sacrifice. And each kid managed their own carry-on, which was very nice. Claire's backpack held 6 books, a few zoo animals, and a matchbox car- the essentials.)

We rode a train to get our bags, road a bus to get our car, drove our car to get to Winter Park -- it was a planes trains and automobiles kind of day. We bought groceries to make meals in our condo and wandered across the road to explore the Village.

As it turns out there's an ice castle with a slide right in front of our condo. Good times were had.

At least until Claire found out the snow was not room temperature.

We moved on to scope out restaurants, ski rentals, and additional play areas. There's red wagons all around the village to assist in the transportation of children and ski gear. Princess Claire declined to disembark at any of our other stops.

We picked up our rentals (Landon's skis are adorable) and an absolutely exhausted, nap-free Clairebear was unhappily surrounded by ski equipment as we made our way home.

Poor thing, she was so worn out, but she worked up a smile for the occasional passerby (JP worriedly noted that she smiles way more at men than women, but I just told him it's because she loves her daddy so much). We ate a quick dinner of pasta and jarred sauce, gave the kids a bath in a ridiculously large bathtub, and tucked them in bed. Now I'm drinking a glass of wine on the couch with my laptop while JP and I watch Batman Begins on TV. I think it's going to be a wonderful four days.

Job Details and Other Things

2012-01-22T23:15:00.003-06:00

Thank you all so much for your excitement and congrats on my news. I can't tell you how wonderful it all was to read- I always love comments, but on Friday I was practically giddy every time I checked my gmail account. And it was a trying day. Some partners did not take my news well- nothing terrible, they're just very sad and disappointed (for them, most acknowledged it was a pretty amazing move for me). One teared up. One is actually kind of angry. Others expressed excitement and just told me to make sure I kept the firm in the running when I was ready to go back to private practice. I know everyone will get used to it- it's not like associates don't leave all the time, it just wasn't very fun walking around and breaking the news to people I've worked with for more than three years. This is the only real "grown-up" job I've ever had, it's crazy and a little sad to think that in a few months I'll be making my morning (and afternoon and late afternoon) hot tea somewhere else.

But oh my goodness am I excited. Even when breaking the news to the partner I'm closest to, the one I knew would be the most upset (though I underestimated her reaction), I couldn't help grinning. Truly couldn't help it. I wanted this so bad you guys and I'm so excited about this adventure for our family. Though the 6 hours I spent on Friday filling out all the federal employee background check/employment paperwork was not particularly fun. You have to list all your jobs, addresses, and international travel going back 7 years. Since I'm still a young'n, that required me to list my parent's address from the months I lived there before I got married. I also had to separately list all the countries I visited, which included my post-college self-funded tour around Europe (UK, France, Belgium, the Netherlands, Germany, Lichtenstein, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, and Greece). And it's not like it was a nice text box to fill in, it was a maze of drop-down menus and "saving" and moving to the next screen to "add another trip" and do it again. It took Forever. And I just realized I left out Vatican City, but does anyone really consider that a separate country besides the people who work at the Vatican? I made appointments for finger-printing and photo-taking, filled out more paperwork, and even billed a few hours. I got home at 10 p.m. Kind of ironic one of my later nights at work recently was the day I told everyone I was quitting.

On to the timing details: We're hoping to get our house on the market by the first weekend in February (though it's frustrated by our long-planned, long-ago-payed-for ski vacation that starts tomorrow; terrible timing, as it turns out). We hope to move in mid-March. I plan to start at the SEC on April 1st, though if the stars align and everything moves faster, I told them I would be happy to start sooner. I'll stay at the firm until a week or two before my first day at the SEC (with the rather painful pay cut I'm taking, each firm pay check has increased in importance). I've picked out a neighborhood near downtown that I'm completely in love with, but I am going to need help with daycares, so all you DFW people who commented, expect a post requesting your collective wisdom soon (blogs are so handy for moves to entirely new cities!). And then I think we need some kind of happy-hour meet up with frozen margaritas after I move.

And a few other random matters, since I'll be gone for the next five days and this blog will be temporarily dedicated to exclusive coverage of my kids all bundled up in ski suits:

(1) My dad is doing great. Well, great for a guy with a bunch of broken ribs, a broken sternum, a broken sacrum (bones near bottom of spine, which explains why he's been in so much pain while sitting), and a mass of other bruises and hematomas. But he can sleep for several hours at a time, he's working a few hours a day from home (by choice, he's getting antsy), and he's had my brother/his best friend home for the last three days. It'll be a long recovery, and he's going to get a whole lot more stir crazy, but for now he's glad to heal and feel all the love of family and friends through email and phone calls. I continue to refuse to dwell on what could have been (with a 98% success rate) and am just so glad he's home.

(2) JP took Landon to get a haircut on Saturday. Since Landon's first haircut (oh my gosh, look at the little toddler Landon! he's about the same age Claire is now... his babyhood did not go by quickly, but toddlerhood has flown), they've gone to the barber shop together every 6 weeks or so for a little trim. Except this time, Landon came home with all of his hair buzzed off:

Once I recovered from my shock, I decided he looked pretty adorable, and EXACTLY like my little brother when he had his little buzz cut at age 5. Which is funny, because Landon has always looked more like JP than anyone in my family, so maybe the matching hair cut is unduly convincing.

Claire was also intrigued:

And (3), speaking of Claire, she is (a) adorable; (b) suddenly looking much older and it's freaking me out; and (c) never, EVER without a book in her had. Ever.

kills me

And now I'm off to bed- tomorrow is a big day of travel before SKIING on Tuesday! Packing for a ski trip for a family of four with two car seats and one kid who still needs her pack 'n play and diapers and sippy cups has destroyed my previously proud reputation as a light packer. Business travel is so much easier- a carry-on suitcase and my kindle in my purse. Now I have 5 checked bags (ski stuff is bulky), 4 carry-ons, 2 gate checked car seats, and a pink blankie to lug around. But I suppose getting to travel with JP and the kids makes up for the extra burden. We're going to have so much fun!

New Adventures and a New Tag

2012-01-19T22:22:00.002-06:00

I've told the firm, so now I can tell you: I've accepted a new job. In Fort Worth. With the SEC. I am over-the-moon excited and overwhelmed with a to-do list a mile long. We have to sell a house, move, buy a house, unpack, find new daycares, find new schools, meet new people, find new doctors, find new EVERYTHING. I don't know a single person in the DFW area. Having lived in Texas for 20 years and having gone to undergrad at UT, it's kind of amazing that I don't. I've only been to Dallas twice and Fort Worth twice. I never, ever would have thought I'd move away from Austin to somewhere more Texas-y. But I am and I am SO EXCITED.

I said this would be a year of adventure and it's going to start out with a bang!

(To get the back story, see New Adventures parts 1: the Application; 2: the Interview; 3: the Background; and 4: I got the job! Or, just click on the new tag "Ft Worth" to read them all.)

Squeeeee!

Three Things

2012-01-16T22:41:00.000-06:00

First, thank you all for your comments about my dad. I waited a few days to write because I was having trouble figuring out how to address it. It was a big, scary event and it affected me, and I wanted to share it, but we knew he was going to be okay, so I didn't want to be overly dramatic about it, but it was scary, but he IS okay... so I waited. We didn't really even know the story until my mom got out there Saturday morning and then, after reading her detailed account, I was actually more upset than I was when I first found out on Friday (the idea that he was in an ambulance, alone in Germany, thinking he was going to die, ripped my heart out). But I have good news- he was discharged from the hospital in Munich this afternoon and he and my mom are booked to fly home tomorrow. It's going to be a hellish journey- navigating the airport, flying from Munich to Frankfurt and then Frankfurt to Houston, with a broken sternum, a bunch of cracked ribs, and terrible bruising all over (most of it on his back and backside, making sitting incredibly uncomfortable), but I know he's anxious to get home and hopefully he can max out the oral pain meds. My brother is driving over on Thursday to keep him company while my mom goes back to teaching and we're planning to head over as soon as he feels good enough to risk being in the same room as two children under 5. I'm just... I'm so glad he's okay.

Second, my firm was closed today, as was daycare, so I spent the day moderately supervising my children and engaging in one of my favorite activities- cleaning out closets! After doing this for much of the Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks, you'd think I'd be out of closets by now, but every time I go through one, I find more to give away. Claire's closet is now down to a chest of drawers and the hanging items that she is wearing now and those that she will be wearing in the spring and THAT'S IT- not a single box, bag, or shelf item remains. I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I did the same with Landon's closet, the guest room closet, and the top-of-the-stairs closet that previously housed a random assortment of items that are now either at Goodwill or relocated to labeled storage bins in the attic. I also cleaned out our junk drawer in the kitchen, something that hadn't been touched since we dumped a box of stuff in there after our 2008 move, the hidden shelves in our study where we throw things through squinted eyes so we don't have to see the mess behind the doors, the hutch behind the kitchen table that previously housed birthday party decor, board games, art supplies, laptop power cords, and 2008 New Year's decorations and noise makers, and our jumble of dvd's in the entertainment center. IT FEELS SO GOOD. I packed up an entire car full of stuff for Goodwill, packed bags of giveaways for friends, and just generally felt 10 lbs. lighter. I gave JP the grand closet/drawer tour when he came home from work. He was appreciative, but he doesn't quite understand the post-clean-out high. The homemade chicken lasagne with homemade tomato cream sauce received far more enthusiastic praise, he just doesn't quite share my loathing for extra Stuff and the way it just sits around taunting you while it takes up space for no real purpose. And I'll admit, the lasagna was pretty tasty.

Third, while backing my car out of the garage this evening to take my "entire car full of stuff for Goodwill" to Goodwill, I backed directly into JP's car. It was a moment of breathtaking stupidity. I have a back-up camera and JP is always parked behind me and over to the right. The crunch of the metal felt exactly as bad as my previous 8 hours of cleaning felt good. My Highlander has some deep scrapes; his Sonata has a huge dent that messed up the alignment of the whole bumper. Fixing that (or, more correctly, finding someone else to it quickly so we don't lose a car for multiple days and without costing too much money in the month of our long-awaited ski vacation that I'm already kind of freaking out about the cost of) is now #1 on my to-do list for tomorrow. Ugh. Though, this close to my dad's horrible accident, I know to be grateful that my little incident will only hurt our credit card, even if I feel like a complete idiot for causing it.

Bonus fourth thing- behold, my somehow suddenly much bigger and more grown-up children as captured with my iPhone because despite my resolution to get back into photography, I haven't yet picked up my camera this year:

Landon, trying on his new ski gear, and Claire, showing my grandma her new laptop (which was a gift from my other grandma- we love having all four great-grandparents in the same building!).

Namaste

2012-01-15T15:15:00.006-06:00

I went to yoga this morning- a 90 minute "Gentle Hatha" class, with a friend. It was exactly what I needed- some core work, a lot of stretching, and a lot of thinking and centering and clearing my mind in an effort to not think at all.

----

My dad was in a serious car accident in Germany on Friday. He was there for business and was on his way to the airport in Munich when his taxi (going 90 mph on the autobahn in the rain) hit an abandoned, stationary vehicle at full speed. He was wearing his seat belt, but was knocked unconscious and has a broken sternum, several broken ribs, and purple bruises all over his body. He came to with a medical team working over him, speaking in rapid German, and the pain in his chest was so sharp (from the broken sternum, we know now) that he believed his heart had been pierced and he was going to die. By the time my mom was informed and then she told us, we knew that wasn't true- that he was going to be okay, even if we weren't sure when he'd be able to fly home, so I took the news calmly, glad that my mom was already booked on a flight out there. But an hour later, in the parking garage of my building at work, as I fully realized what had happened and how bad it could have been- I started crying. My dad is 55. I know that in the natural order of things he will predecease me, but not fucking yet. I hate even thinking of what could have been and how devastating that 4 a.m. phone call could have been. So I'm not. I'm just thankful -- thankful that he will heal, thankful that my mom is there with him, thankful that his company has handled all the logistics and payments for both of them, thankful that we have so many wonderful friends and family who have emailed and texted him across an ocean to let him know he's loved. Thankful for the English-speaking doctor in the ambulance who held my dad's hand the entire ride to the hospital, reassuring him through the haze of shock and pain that he was going to be okay. And while I can't quite be thankful for the reminder of how quickly life can change, I'm aware of it, and I can be thankful for all the love my dad and I have shared over the last 28 years and even more thankful for the love we'll get to continue to share for what better be at least 40 years more.

----

Last night JP and I went on a date. We were supposed to do dinner and a movie at Alamo Drafthouse, but when we got there 30 minutes before showtime, everything was sold out. We go to the movies so rarely, we were honestly shocked to see that so many other people happened to be out on the same night we were. Then we remembered that seeing a movie didn't used to be something we thought of as a once-a-year treat. So, not wanting to waste a booked night of babysitting, we went out for a long dinner instead- appetizers, entrees, dessert, not rearranging the table so everything was out of Claire's reach- decadence! And while we love being with the kids and rarely feel any need to get out just the two of us, it was awfully nice to linger over a Mexican martini and talk idly with the person I love most in the world. JP is my soul mate and the love of my life. He has 10 years of my past and all of my future. He's my partner, my heart, the father of my children, and the only one who knows every facet of my being and loves- or at least accepts- them all. I love him completely, but there's nothing like a dinner spent laughing and talking about nothing to remind me of how terribly much I like him. Date nights are great for that.

----

I'm about to take the dogs on a run and do laundry and prepare the week's meals and do a bunch of other mundane Sunday chores, and I don't know if it's the wake of my dad's accident, or the yoga, or my happy night out last night, but I feel light. Light and profoundly thankful.

I'm doing the yoga again next Sunday.

Freedom and Resolutions

2012-01-11T15:32:00.001-06:00

It's been a week since my last post- there's been a lot going on that I can't post about (yet) and then there's also been so little going on there wasn't much to post about (simple weekend, another hike, getting back in the work routine), and then the new Kresley Cole "Immortals After Dark" book came out yesterday so I had to drop everything and read it (Lothaire- SO GOOD!). But today I'm wearing my ruby red heels, a black pinstriped pencil skirt, and a white button down, and feel sufficiently powerful and lawyerish that I'm sure I can accomplish anything, including finishing and publishing posts that have been languishing in my drafts folder. Like this one about my 2012 resolutions.

I tend to make resolutions whenever I think of them, so January 1st doesn't usually bring anything new to my list of Goals and/or Things To Work On. I actually feel really good about where I am, and where we are, in terms of most of our goals from 2011. We spent a lot of the past year talking about what we wanted and how we were going to get there, and then getting there and reevaluating what we wanted (i.e., wanting JP's full-time employment, getting there and setting a whole new set of goals for how we were going to make that goal work in a way that didn't ruin all our other goals). But reading everyone else's resolutions has made me think about one that is noticeably absent from my more recent lists (that was always number one on my old ones): losing weight and/or working out. In part because I've given up and accepted that I'm never going to work out in my rare and precious free time, but it's in larger part because I am at peace with my body. Yes, I miss feeling as fit as I used to, and my stomach is so squishy that Claire can lose her whole fist in there, and I miss lifting a weight at the gym while looking in the mirror and thinking "I am making my body stronger." But it's okay. I'm active, I almost never sit down when I'm not forced to (like at work on a deadline), I eat well, I lift my kids, I hike and run and play outside with my family. I use my body, even if the physical benefit is now a side effect instead of the whole purpose of whatever I'm doing.

But by far my biggest change has come in my relationship with food. I love food. I consider chocolate chip cookies to be one of my hobbies and eating one is often the highlight of my afternoon. But food does not control me. Now, I eat cookies because I love them, not because I've done something special to "deserve" them or because I've eaten badly and thrown the day away so I should have a bunch or because I ate less at lunch and now "need" to fill that caloric hole or because of anything other than the fact that cookies taste delicious and I like them. If you're someone who's never had issues with food, you can't imagine the power of that sentence.

Food used to have such a hold on me. For the most part, I came by it honestly. Starting in 8th grade I swam 2-4 hours a day and I was hungry All The Time. Swimming itself wasn't the problem, I was just always starving and I didn't make good choices to fill the pit in my stomach. I weighed more than I should have and trying to eat less always failed because I was so hungry. I had major hip surgery in 2001 and had to stop swimming for several months. The thing I remember most from that was waking up a day or two after the surgery and realizing that I wasn't hungry. My first thought was not about breakfast and the rest of my thoughts weren't dominated by what I could have for lunch and then dinner. It was so freeing. I lost 10 lbs. in a month. Two years later, I was 20 lbs. lighter and completely obsessed with every bite I took. I flirted with throwing up when I ate too much (one of the only things I've tried in life and utterfly failed at), restricting what I was allowed to eat down to almost nothing, and obsessively tracking the number of calories I was eating. My college notebooks are littered with tiny numbers lined up in totals in the margins- calculations of the calories I'd consumed that day, with subtractions for the calories I'd burned by working out. The goal was always for the net to be under 1,000. I wouldn't waste exercise running or hiking outdoors because I wouldn't have been able to know the exact number of calories the machine said I was burning and then I couldn't subtract it and then how would I know whether or not I could eat more at dinner? I got better and worse and better again over the next few years.

Then Landon was born and my world was no longer about me. I couldn't control it and I couldn't plan ahead for anything. Rather than cause me to buckle down even tighter on my eating, it freed me completely. Finishing my lunch did not mean obsessing over what was for dinner. Finishing lunch was an accomplishment (making lunch was an accomplishment) and then I was busy with my fussy baby until I was able to make and eat food again later. I also fully realized that I was an adult with a car and a credit card and, theoretically, I could go get whatever food I wanted whenever I wanted it (at least after the baby woke up). This also freed me. I didn't need to eat 10 bites of dessert if I was full after 2 because I could go buy that dessert again one day in the future. And, since I didn't feel compelled to eat every bite of that dessert, I didn't need to feel bad or guilty after the meal, and then I didn't need to work out to lose that certain number of extra calories. I could just eat, or not, based on whatever my body wanted at the time. Freedom.

I haven't worked out in a gym since 2005. I haven't weighed myself regularly since 2007. The scale on our bathroom floor has had a dead battery since my pregnancy with Claire. I have actually forgotten the number of calories in the average apple and every other food on the planet. And despite this lack of focus on food or exercise- or perhaps because of it- my body is now the size and general shape I always wanted it to be. I drink a glass of wine almost every day, but rarely drink two. I love margaritas and have one almost every Friday. I eat the food I want and whatever meal is in front of me and I enjoy it. I don't worry about the next one- what it will be, exactly when it will be, and what I should do in the meantime to earn it. I don't snack, because I don't get hungry between meals, no matter how many articles say many small meals are better than fewer big ones. I don't eat breakfast because it gives me a stomach ache. I eat a huge lunch because I love the feeling of being full around noon and eating gives me energy rather than making me feel sleepy. I eat a smaller dinner because I don't like feeling full when I go to bed. On the mornings I happen to wake up hungry, I eat breakfast, because not eating breakfast isn't a rule, it's just usually what my stomach wants me to do. There aren't any rules to follow any more. When I'm not hungry, I don't eat- because I don't have to eat just because it's a meal time, I can eat when I'm hungry. Food is always available to me if I want it. Just the same, if I'm hungry and it's not a meal time, that's okay too. There aren't any rules.

I'm not sure I can adequately describe how freeing all this is- how impossible my 2003-era self would have found it- or how much I hope Landon and Claire can adopt my more recent approach to food and avoid my former one. I think the best JP and I can do (JP has always had a healthy attitude toward food and eating; his is basically the one I have now- there is no censure in eating, ever; it is a part of life and a fabulous one at that) is to live by example, avoid negative comments about other people or ourselves, and share our love of food.

So if I were to write them out, I think my resolutions for the year are to spend more time outside, to continue going on adventures in and around Austin, to try yoga, to read more legal-type articles and headlines (and probably less paranormal romance, though seriously, the Immortals After Dark series is super fun), to learn how to cook chicken, and to get back to shooting my camera in manual. Meeting those goals would be great; failing at them won't affect my self-image or my self-worth. Freedom.

New Adventures, pt. 4: I GOT THE JOB!

2012-01-10T10:46:00.003-06:00

10:45 a.m., Jan. 10, 2012

That's really all I have to say on this one.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Adventures, pt. 3: The Background

2012-01-08T14:00:00.000-06:00

2 pm, Jan. 8, 2012

I'm still waiting to hear the results from the interview, so I figured I should fill in the story behind this potential move. Because even if this opportunity doesn't work out, that won't be the end, I'm going to keep looking. It makes me sad to type that- unlike nearly everyone else I know, I like working for a big law firm. I genuinely like my job and I like the people I work with. But, for reasons outside my control, both of those statements are changing. And I think it's my responsibility to own my career and make changes before I become a victim of it.

I could stay here for at least another year doing work for other sections that at best maintain my career and at worst knock me off track by learning too much about an area of law I actively dislike. I can't get into too many specifics, but basically, my section is changing. People have left- for personal reasons, and the occasional firm-related reason- it's added up to a lot of people. Right now I'm the second most senior associate in my section. I've lost my mentors. We've gone from being a major player within the firm to feeling like more of a satellite team, lending support of cases centrally staffed outside our city. None of that is necessary bad, but I feel like my learning has slowed and my favorite parts of my job- interacting face-to-face with a group of super smart people, working on big cases involving big money and complicated legal issues- those opportunities are dwindling as the cases move outside my office. I gained some amazing experience working on a huge IP matter this year, but that was outside my section and outside the area of law I actually want to practice and, looking forward and seeing more IP opportunities than corporate litigation opportunities on the horizon, I felt I needed to make a choice: either jump in to IP with both feet and move downstairs and join that section, or leave this office or the firm generally to pursue corporate and securities litigation. I could coast along for another year, collecting paychecks and helping out with small roles on other matters, but I wouldn't be growing and that's what being an associate is supposed to be about. I don't want to interview somewhere as a potential 5th or 6th year and have gained no substantive experience since my 3rd year.

I bookmarked the jobs page on the SEC website over a year ago. I've loved securities law since law school- it's the reason I started out in a corporate transactional practice before quickly realizing that it's litigators who dig through facts and case law and marge the two together in persuasive arguments. And that's what I love. So I switched to litigation and spent a year working on big corporate and securities cases and LOVING it. Then they dwindled. Then I went on maternity leave. Then I was back and all those fun cases were gone or in other offices. I looked at the SEC page again, but suddenly I realized I didn't have the securities experience to apply for anything there so I thought I'd spend a year gaining some and then apply. But finally, a few months ago, I realized I was never going to gain that experience in my current role and I needed to just apply anyway. I updated my resume and included a few bracketed bullet points- aspirational items I hoped to fill in. Things like, "write a securities article and get it published by the end of the year," and "work on another securities matter." And I did all of those things. I researched and wrote a securities article in October. I called partners and got staffed on an advisory matter relating to a previous securities litigation case I worked on. I put google and Westlaw alerts on certain new securities-related bills and cases. I read the BCG report on the SEC (which was mandated by Dodd-Frank), read the manual for the Enforcement Division, read the law.com headlines daily... just generally inserted myself back in the world of securities law after a year-long detour in the world of IP.

While that was going on I also discreetly reconnected with alumni of the firm and my office, talked to a recruiter or two, and updated my firm profile. I didn't really want to work for another law firm- I really like mine. I got incredibly busy again on my IP matter and flirted with the idea of staying with my current job for another year and working part-time, figuring that if I couldn't get the career satisfaction I was looking for, I might as well up the personal satisfaction column and spend more time with my family. Then, at the end of October, I found out about an opportunity to apply for the SEC in Fort Worth. After missing several deadlines over the summer only to see every job on the job board vanish when the budget crisis hit, I knew I couldn't wait. I also knew how disappointed I was last time when the jobs disappeared. I was ready. I filled in my resume, typed up a cover letter (two things I hadn't done since 2006), and sent them off.

The interview was last Friday, January 6th. I spent about 2 weeks preparing in my free time- reading my old case briefing, reading everything enforcement related that I could get my hands on, spending several hours listing out everything I've done at the firm and organizing it into groups of "biggest challenge," "creative," "most proud of," etc., so I could have something pop in my head whenever I was asked one of those questions that are always hard to think of concrete examples in the moment. I re-read the articles I've written and re-outlined the briefs I'd written in securities cases, figuring they'd want to hear details on those and knowing I'd forgotten almost everything about them. I reviewed the organizational chart of the division, read recent headlines, even read a book published by a former SEC attorney (great book, actually, and several of the interviewers had read it as well)... I couldn't think of anything else I could do to prepare. And now that I'm on the other side of the interview, waiting for the phone call that will tell me if this will be the next chapter in my career, I know that short of magically finding a way to work on more securities cases, there was nothing else I could do.

So I wait. If this doesn't work out, I'll be disappointed, but good will come out of it. I've realized I really am ready to move on. I don't think I want to go to another firm. I've gained some interview practice. I've updated my resume. I'll just have to keep looking.

New Adventures, pt. 2: The Interview

2012-01-06T22:33:00.001-06:00

10 p.m., Jan. 6, 2012

I went to a job interview today. My first one in 5.5 years. It was for a staff attorney in the division of enforcement at the SEC's regional office in Fort Worth and I want it SO BAD.

I woke up at 5 a.m., left my driveway at 6 a.m., got to Fort Worth at 9 a.m. I wore my grey herringbone suit, a cranberry shell, and black pumps. I carried a black padfolio thingy with copies of my resume and articles I've written. I never opened it but JP felt VERY STRONGLY that I should have one on my person.

It was a 7-on-1 interview. For one hour I swiveled my chair back and forth in an attempt to make eye contact with everyone asking me questions. And they asked a LOT of questions. Detailed questions. It was night-and-day from my OCI interviews which all revolved around how much I liked Chicago and whether or not I knew what type of law I'd like to practice (before immediately assuring me it was okay if I didn't know and then asking about my hobbies). I'm applying for an "experienced attorney" job now, and then spent 60 minutes making me prove my experience. It was as it should be, but man, it was intense. I had answers for everything. Maybe not the right answers, but answers. I made them laugh. They nodded their heads a lot. I think it went well.

I was back in Austin by 4 p.m. I'd been up for 11 hours and had spent 6.5 of them driving up and down I-35. And 1 hour possibly changing the next several years of our lives and the vertical trajectory of my career (it could now be up, very up). I still can't believe we might move within the next two months. I still worry about JP and the kids. JP particularly. But I keep thinking about what he said to me the day I found out about the opportunity- "You have to apply. This is your dream job. I haven't found mine yet." And he's certain he can work remotely for his current company. I hope he's right, because this really is my dream job, and if I get it, we're going for it.

I want it so bad.

Shoes, Bears, Flowers and other things caught on my iPhone

2012-01-04T22:43:00.001-06:00

It's back to the grind, and, well, to the surprise of no one, not working is quite a bit more fun than working. It just doesn't pay as well.

But in order to make the first day back a bit more palatable, I had a whole first day outfit planned: the dark grey dress I wore on Christmas Eve (bought at TJ Maxx on my first trip there in months when my mom visited; when the two of us get together, it's like we're compelled to visit any discount store in a certain mile radius, even when I have a deadline that keeps me working until 4:30 a.m. that same night), a beautiful dark red pashmina scarf my grandparents bought me in China 10 years ago, and my new ruby red slippers (the gorgeous 3.5" heels JP bought me for Christmas). I have never received so many compliments on a pair of shoes. And to think- he picked them out ALL BY HIMSELF, with absolutely no hinting or suggestions from me. He just remembered hearing me say I wanted a pair of dark red shoes. So he found me some. I love them.

I also love how Claire adopted her own supermodel stance in front of the mirror in the picture on the left. Really, at 19 months old, pretty much everything Claire does is my favorite thing that Claire does. She's so freaking fun and fabulous right now.

So is Landon. He just doesn't let me take pictures of him as often. But 4.5 is pretty awesome too- he's such a KID. He has such an imagination and loves school and his friends and playing outside (JP fears that, like him, Landon's favorite subject in school is going to be recess). He still adores Claire and is at times appears more invested in her happiness than JP or me (not because we don't want her to be happy, we're just immune to the false flood of tears that follows when a tired Bear is denied the object of her affection; Landon has no such limits).

(Pictured with his beloved fighter jet and "craft carrier" from Christmas. He loves them almost as much as I love my ruby red slippers, which I love almost as much as my rainbow shoes. There's a hierarchy).

In other shoe news (see these pics are totally all related), I cleaned out my closet. Goodwill made out pretty well with 23 new pairs of rarely worn shoes. I'm simplifying to the classics and divesting myself of my more unique and/or dressy options. Sad, but I feel lighter already- streamlining is also going to be a theme of 2012. Streamlining and adventure. It's going to be a good year.

Claire helped, of course. She's my little shoe nut- she always has to have something on her feet and she usually puts on other people's shoes over her own shoes and tries to wear them around the house. Her favorite is to stuff her sneakered feet into Landon's crocs. She'll walk around and play like that for hours.

On Saturday I caught her secretly caring for her baby behind the couch (the baby she generally throws on the floor in lieu of pushing her stroller around the house like she's in a drag race). She fed it a bottle and then looked genuinely distressed when the baby cried (it cries when you take the bottle away). Immediately after this picture she discarded the baby and zoomed off with the stroller again. Babies are too much hassle and the Bear cannot be weighed down with such responsibility.

And finally, in closing, because the Daily Show Iowa caucus coverage is both distracting and hilarious (I love the mocking of the CNN graphics; I watched CNN for 4 of the 5 hours of the Iowa coverage (parenthetical to the parenthetical- I LOVE election coverage) and I knew that was going to be in a daily show clip), behold my office orchid after my long absence from work. Apparently, it was my very presence that kept it from blooming for the last few months. I leave and BAM- a million beautiful flowers burst forth.

Happy January to you all.

New Adventures

2012-01-01T15:28:00.002-06:00

We celebrated New Year's Eve with my favorite blend of relaxed family fun and relaxed romantic fun. For the first part, I baked two kinds of dessert (s'more bars and brownies) and we had some friends and their kids over for sparklers and contraband roman candles. It was fun and everyone was gone and our kids were in bed by 7:30. Then, for the second part, JP and I cooked up a fancy home date night- filet mignon, twice-baked potatoes, fresh veggies, bread, wine that cost more than $8 (it was $11 and it was good), and champagne. We dressed up, we ate over the light of a single candle (I swear we used to own more, but we couldn't find them), and toasted to a wonderful year behind us and the possibilities of a wonderful year before us. We didn't stay up until midnight, but it was a perfect New Year's Eve anyway.

And in the spirit of the new year that began today, I baked cinnamon rolls from scratch for the first time ever -- from scratch!

Thank you Pioneer Woman for your recipe and step-by-step pictures.

Also in the spirit of the new year, I went on a run this morning before baking, so when I ate two of these babies immediately out of the oven, I felt I was in a place of perfect caloric karma.

The kids liked them too. Landon licked off all the frosting before eating; Claire just sucked off the frosting and abandoned the dessicated doughy bits. Efficient.

Our goal for this year is to go on more adventures. Simple ones, big ones, family ones, career ones... I think it's going to be a year of them.

One little adventure we had the other day was a day trip to Pedernales Falls State Park. I camped there as a little girl and remembered it being so far away, but as it turns out, it's only about 40 minutes from where we live now! It was a beautiful day and we had a blast hiking on the trails and then climbing up and over rocks around the falls.

After two hours of constant up and down, climbing and jumping, my legs were shaking and even JP admitted we were getting a work out. I don't know if I'll ever belong to a gym again (JP currently has a solo membership), but hiking outdoors is the kind of exercise I enjoy and hope to do more of this year. Adventures- it's going to be a theme.

I'm watching The Waitress on Lifetime because both my kids are asleep and JP is at practice swimming some ridiculously hard New Year's set that sounded more like punishment than the two hours of awesome his excited tone implied and my kitchen is clean and my work laptop is broken (it was an accident I swear) so I can indulge in a bit of daytime TV. Keri Russell just had her baby, and she's holding her saying, "We're going to have so much fun little girl. We're going to have SO MUCH FUN." And out of nowhere it made me cry (I'm not pregnant, I swear).

Because we are. We're going to have so much fun.

Not Working

2011-12-29T22:38:00.000-06:00

I like my job. Sometimes I even love my job - sitting in my beautiful office, drinking my 3rd or 6th cup of hot tea, talking to co-workers, researching cases, writing briefs. Finding that perfect quote from the perfect case to cite in a brief that tears the other side's brief apart- that's fun, and I enjoy it.

But you want to know what else is fun? Not working.

Not working is awesome. Being born with a trust fund really would have been the way to go. But then I probably wouldn't have grown up camping all over the US in a little white, orange, and brown striped trailer, creating die hard traditions over things like asparagus casserole. So I wouldn't change my actual family or childhood, but the trust fund thing would still be pretty cool.

Neither JP nor I have worked at all since the 23rd and it has been so wonderful. Christmas was lots of fun, but hanging out at home with the kids the past few days has been even better. We've done a lot of laundry, a lot of cleaning, a lot of organizing (all the Christmas presents have a home and all the Christmas decor is put away), a lot of playing, and a lot of just being. For example, today I felt tired around noon. I lay down in bed and woke up an hour later. JP was asleep next to me and both kids were asleep in their rooms upstairs. I rolled over into his arms and fell back asleep for another hour. Heaven.

In other examples- we've been hiking. Santa brought JP a hiking backpack so we could go on longer hikes around the Austin area without our arms feeling like they're going to fall off from holding Claire. The Bear-carrier is a slightlyly ugly, discontinued pea green color that made it $59 on ebags.com as opposed to $220 at REI. Personally, I think the color is bea-u-tiful.

As is Austin. We've gone on 2, 2.5 and 3 mile hikes around town and loved every minute. Landon is fast and adventurous, though when we're climbing something steep he likes to be in the middle, "so if I fall down, someone can catch me, and if I fall up, someone can catch me!" Exactly. When we were jumping from rock-to-rock over a river, and he had to scramble up a ledge nearly as tall as his head, I moved to help him, but he waved me off with a, "Don't worry mommy, I'm an expert climber."

Indeed.

We're heading to a state park tomorrow for some longer, fancier hikes and I can't wait. JP worked too much around Thanksgiving and I worked too much the week before Christmas - and I'm sure we'll both work too much again some time soon (though hopefully not at the same time), but as long as we can steal away days or even a full week like this, it feels like the balance gets restored, at least for a little while and I have loved every. single. second.

Fun and Family (and presents)

2011-12-27T22:30:00.004-06:00

Christmas! It came, it went, it was wonderful. Because I'm a few days late in my posting, you will be blessed with an abbreviated version of our 61-hour holiday tour. We spent Friday sleeping (well, that was just me), packing, and present-wrapping. We left for Papa and Gigi's house at 9 a.m. Saturday morning with a loaded down car and two very excited kids.

First stop- Kingwood. The suburban bubble I called home from 1988-2001 and still call home whenever I drive down my parents' street. We walked in to my familiar home with its ever fancier Christmas decorations (I kind of miss the days of my mom's handmade MOPS crafts) and watched claymation Christmas movies while we prepped dinner and my parents and siblings packed for the lake.

all dolled up in their holiday finery

Dinner was delicious- a medley of family favorites including flank steak, hashbrown potato casserole, asparagus casserole, salad, and rolls- and some very expensive wine my dad got as a present at work. JP, Landon, and Claire remain unconvinced on the merits of asparagus casserole, but the five of us LOVE it. After doing the dishes (my sister and I helped with the china and silver; then she got out of it by going upstairs to "pack"- it was just like old times!), it was time for church.

family foyer picture!

We enjoyed a great church service and I run into lots of old friends and met TWO formerly anonymous blog readers in the foyer. (Frequent commenter, "Patty from TX," saw me walking down the hall from the nursery with Claire and cried out, "Is that Clairebear?!" Patty is very sweet and has fabulous hair. I also met Lori, who recognized Landon first, I think. So crazy that they both go to my old church! I love meeting readers.)

After church, it was a fast change into Christmas jammies and then we all drove the 60 minutes to the lake house in Livingston. We arrived about 9:30 p.m. and put an exhausted Clairebear to bed (which is a shame, her reindeer footed pj's were adorable). Landon was in high spirits and was allowed to stay up for the opening of the presents.

Landon's gift from JP and me was the coolest pop-up super hero book EVER. Of all the presents I bought this year, I think I'm most proud of that one.

And JP was most proud of this one- my "Kate Spade purse basket." I got an iPhone case, purse, and shoes (he broke our specified budget and, appropriately, didn't get me anything for my stocking or from Santa - in his words, "I wanted the credit for it!"). I will admit that I "suggested" the iPhone case (which I adore) and the purse (which was 80% off on the site's cyber Monday sale), though I had no idea that JP bought either, but this part is crazy-- those red shoes are the ones I featured on this site 10 days ago. I had never seen them before that post, never shown them to JP, and he'd purchased them weeks ago! After 10.5 years, I think he finally knows my taste :).

This picture captures Christmas Eve to me. As much as I loved my designer gifts (and I do), what matters the most is the hanging out together, the listening to Raffi, the taking turns to open and exclaim over presents, the drinking wine and eating Christmas cookies -- just being together. That is the best part, and it is my fondest hope that we can raise our children to feel the same way. JP laughs at all of my family's beloved Christmas traditions, mostly because we seem to have a tradition about everything, but it's all rooted in simplicity and love and the fact that we've spent every Christmas for 28 years in the Kingwood house of the lake house. Again, I hope to create such warm memories and feelings of loyalty toward a certain casserole as my siblings and I feel each December.

Christmas morning arrived. As requested, Santa brought Landon a "fighter jet." Santa didn't realize it came in many pieces with 500 decals, but it was some good grandfather-father-son bonding time for them all to put it together.

Claire got a purse filled with accessories that she adores, and both kids got a play kitchen from my parents. Claire mostly just wanted to pet the four dogs (my parents have two; my sister and brother each have one; our two stayed home -- they're all adopted from SNIPSA, get one for yourself!) and dance to the Christmas tunes.

It was cold and wet outside, but we occasionally ventured out for a sword fight or to check the temperature on the smoker for my dad's pork butt (oh, the number of butt jokes that were made that day...)

We ate our traditional Christmas breakfast of tamales and breakfast tacos and then spent the day reading and playing games (Zingo, Left-Right-Center, Sequence) and napping. Finally, it was time for the 10-hour-smoked pork butt to be unveiled. My dad was SO excited. (And the dogs were too!)

We also made time for sitting around the fire pit (it was drizzling, but JP was so proud of the fire he built, we had to go enjoy it with him) and roast marshmallows.

Claire was VERY upset when we put the marshmallow in the fire.

But everyone found the s'mores to be delicious.

We set off a fortune's worth of fireworks that night, which scared the crap out of all dogs and children, but JP, my dad, brother, and I thought they were great (except when JP tried to set a mortar off upside down, that was a little scary as it blew up on the ground). I don't have any photographic evidence of that little event.

All in all, it was a great 2 days. On the 26th we left the lake for Kingwood, then left Kingwood for the Woodlands to visit and aunt and uncle and eat morgan kenveiders (delicious crepe thingies), and then left the Woodlands for Austin, arriving home about 10:30 p.m. I'll report on that later. First, before everyone gives up on this Christmas novel, I have to write down my most special memory of this Christmas. My mom and I had worked behind the scenes to get all of my family's VHS tapes transferred to DVD's. She surprised my dad with the bag of them at the end of the present-opening on Christmas Eve and we spent about 2 hours that night drinking wine, beer, and/or bourbon and watching our family in the 80's and early 90's. It was awesome. Watching my brother's first Christmas (I'm 6, my sister is 3), with our new bikes (my actually got my old bike, but my dad buffed it and cleaned it and added some very cool accessories; Santa is frugal and handy like that) and SO excited to go through our stockings. Seeing my dad holding my 6-month-old brother, saying, "he's going to be my little helper and best friend" and then looking around to see everyone all teary eyed because it's TRUE. It was so much fun and it made me re-committed to taking video at the big and little moments. And not just video clips- just letting the video roll to capture the kids in all their animated cuteness and JP and me in our early 00's glory (because someday, I'm sure, whatever we're wearing now will look silly, just like my mom's Crazy outfits from the 80's). It was a perfect end to a chilly, rainy, wonderful lake house Christmas.

I hope that you and yours had a great holiday as well, and if you ever see me in the church foyer (or wherever), be sure to say hi!

Partners

2011-12-22T14:07:00.000-06:00

I have billed 50 hours in last 4 days, including Sunday when I didn't start working until 8 p.m. It has been unpleasant. I went three days without seeing the kids or JP awake because I was coming home so late and then sleeping past the time they leave for work and daycare (and sleeping so deeply, I didn't even hear them). Yesterday I dragged myself into the office at 10 (after leaving at 4:30 a.m. the night/morning before) to find these sitting on my desk:

The note read, "Friday's almost here! love, JP". I love him so. The two nights I came home after 4 a.m. I found a perfectly clean house with sparkling kitchen counters devoid of any lunch boxes, papers, toys and/or food containers. This kitchen-counter-OCD does not come naturally to JP, he did it for me, because he knew that if I walked into our kitchen in my exhausted, shaky, over-caffeinated state to find STUFF on them I would probably cry. Truly, putting in the effort to make the house look as if I had been there to do my nightly sweep of the downstairs meant as much to me as the flowers--and those meant an awful lot!

But my two briefs are in nearly final form, I just need to check the TOA and TOCs that our document support group just added and incorporate a few comments from a partner who has been on vacation but couldn't help chiming in with suggestions from his blackberry (I think this kind of crazy dedication, and the ability to review documents and painstakingly type out 2 pages of comments all on your blackberry, is a partner requirement).

As soon as my two briefs, and the five others we have due today, are filed I am DONE with working and billing in 2011. It has been an interesting year for my career. But one thing is for sure, despite some very low lows with this crazy case, I have learned an enormous amount. Eighteen months ago I'd probably only written 2 substantive briefs from start to finish. I have now written 19. I have doubled the number of depositions I've attended, greatly increased my client contact, and tackled complicated legal issues that still only barely make sense. I may be exhausted and slightly demoralized, but my resume is fantastic, so that's something. And while I don't know if I ever want to be a partner in the legal sense (see above: typing redlines on a blackberry while on a beach in Puerto Rico), I definitely have a great partner in the personal sense and I'm incredibly grateful for that!

Holiday Dispatches

2011-12-19T16:03:00.000-06:00

Dispatch A: I write to you through a haze of exhaustion. I appear to be unable to do any legal writing for the moment, so I thought I'd turn to something more free form. I worked on my Reply Brief #2 until 2 a.m. Friday night/Saturday morning, but didn't get nearly as far as I'd hoped, particularly with my unusually full weekend up ahead. On Saturday JP coached a swim lesson, I did some work, and we left at 5:30 for a very rare and much anticipated date night that I was almost too tired and too stressed out to enjoy. A glass of champagne over a dinner purchased with a long unused gift card to our favorite Austin restaurant helped, but as we headed over to the new Austin City Limits music venue in the W Hotel I did fantasize a bit about just going home and curling up in bed with my kindle. Luckily, Robert Earl Keene is a fabulous live show and JP's floor tickets had us standing six feet away from him. Less luckily, JP didn't tell me we had floor seats (or, "seats"), so I ended up standing for 4 hours in 3 inch heeled boots which is less than ideal, especially when you're running on less than 5 hours of sleep and have a back that gets very angry when you stand up for long periods of time. It's a testament to how entertaining my new friend Robert is when I say that I wasn't looking at my watch or hoping to leave early. And JP was so happy and excited to see his favorite country singer, he was grinning from ear to ear the whole show (while holding my too heavy leather purse that I totally would have left in the car had I known we had floor seats).

On Sunday I woke up much earlier than I wanted to continue researching and writing my brief. My parents, brother, sister, sister's boyfriend, and one set of grandparents were all coming to my house around noon to celebrate my sister's birthday, so I left JP a to-do list and headed out to Starbucks to read a giant stack of Federal Circuit cases. I got home in time to drink champagne and eat pizza and red velvet cake (it all went together better than it sounds) and generally enjoy being with my family, though I couldn't help but think about how much I needed to do for work. At 7 p.m. I was able to get back to my laptop and I sent my draft to the partners at 4:30 this morning.

I was up at 8 to get the kids off to daycare and get myself off to work to start Reply Brief #2 that is due tomorrow. I have reorganized stacks of papers for the last few hours, trying to blink through my exhaustion enough to actually start writing, but it's not working. My one highlight has been the chai tea latte my dad picked up for me this morning from Starbucks. He forgot to add the "nonfat" to the order, so I ended up with full fat deliciousness (or maybe 2% deliciousness? whatever their default is) and oh man, it is SO MUCH better. I had no idea. I'm not sure I can go back. Unfortunately, the caffeine content was not high enough to kick my brain into the fully awake and functioning mode. I'm starting to think my time would be better spent curling up under my desk and taking a nap, but I've never been a very successful napper and I think I'd just be haunted by how much I need to do.

But somehow, some way I'll send out another brief by 4 a.m. tomorrow morning. Then I'll sleep, and then I'll come back and incorporate comments and turn new drafts. And again, somehow, both of these suckers will be filed by midnight on the 22nd and then I'm not billing a single other hour until 2012. I know I'll be glad for these crazy deadlines when it's Christmas Day and I can just sit back and enjoy my family, but right now, all I really want to do is sleep. (As a side note, this is exactly why I do everything Christmas related as early as possible. If I still had to shop or decorate or address cards right now, on top of all this work, I think I'd have some sort of breakdown. At the very least, I'd find the impending arrival of Christmas Eve a source of stress instead of happiness. Instead, one of the only things getting me through this brief is knowing that soon I get back to my warm, happy, already-prepared, low-key, love and laughter filled family Christmas holiday. I really can't wait.)

Dispatch B: On a related note, I offer you a slightly modified version of this year's Lag Liv family Christmas card:

Happy Holidays from our home to yours!

Friday Faves

2011-12-16T16:19:00.000-06:00

I'm brief writing today- all day- again. My Opposition brief from last week was filed last night (for once I'm not remotely concerned about their Reply, there is nothing they can say to resucitate their original brief after I ripped it into teeny tiny pieces. The fact that their expert made a mathematical error that vastly overstated their claim was just icing on the cake- icing I used for the top, bottom, and middle of the brief, of course. So fun!). These two briefs are less fun-- they're both replies in support of our original briefs on the two topics, which the other side just tried to kill in their own oppositions. Replies are frustrating- you can only respond to what they wrote, and you're kind of tired of the whole topic, having just spent a million hours writing the original briefs, and I mostly just want to yell at them in all caps for purposefully mischaracterizing everything I wrote in the first place. I got the documents this morning. I read them each quickly one time so I could get over the anger at their false accusations regarding my ability to interpret case law (they do it in every brief, so I'm used to it, but it still annoys the crap out of me), and then set about outlining a way to correct nearly everything they say. The replies have to be filed on December 22nd (6 days away), so I have a lot to do. I have a very fun and busy weekend planned (date night with JP to see Robert Earl Keen play at ACL on Saturday; family in town to celebrate my sister's birthday in my house on Sunday) and I refuse to lose another weekend to this case. So I will sacrifice my Friday night and the usual frozen margarita that comes with it. Dedication- it comes in many forms. I'm comforted by knowing that as soon as these documents are filed on the 22nd, I'm not coming back to the office until 2012. Huzzah.

But on to things more fun than yelling at opposing counsel about lost profits- a random collection of pretty things I'm either coveting or loving (or both) at the moment.

(1) This Fendi bag. I love it. It's somehow ugly and gorgeous all at the same time. At $2500, I will never have it, but if I could look like Blake Lively while holding it, it might be worth the investment. (She's holding it here while filming a scene of Gossip Girl)

(2) This Burberry trench. This I am actually determined to own one day. One day many, many years from now.

(4) These Kate Spade shoes. They are the perfect shade of red and I need them. (Though without the novelty of the rainbow heel, I will not justify the purchase)

(4) Argyle tights. I wore this outfit to work the other day and received more comments and compliments on my tights than I have ever received by wearing anything, ever. They are from Target and cost $7.99. In other words, the opposite of my pretend Fendi bag and Burberry coat, which both cost a fortune and live outside my home.

(apologies, my bathroom is apparently very poorly lit)

(5) My Old Navy Rock Star jeggings. Another item I have received an undue number of "where did you get those?" comments. My $35 jeggings, purchased at 30% off with a $20 reward coupon, are made of stretchy denim magic. When you hold them up, you think they are meant for a small child (JP once tried to put them in Landon's folded laundry pile), but when you close your eyes and pull them on, they fit! and they look fabulous with high heels or, as I'm currently wearing them, with a sweater and riding boots. And they have functioning pockets and belt loops! A plus in the jegging world. Whenever these stretch out or disintegrate I'm immediately buying another pair.

From Fendi to Old Navy, so many lovely things in the world. Now back to my writing. I just keep reminding myself that in six short days this case will be over for me forever!

Numbers

2011-12-15T23:06:00.000-06:00

As the holidays arrive and I look at our four stockings hung by the chimney with care, and I clean closets and wonder whether to save the baby and toddler clothes, and I investigate new career paths that pay less and/or require moves to bigger cities with smaller homes, my mind is constantly returning to the question of whether we're going to have more kids. But I don't know. And that bothers me.

There's a lot I don't know that doesn't bother me at all- the fundamentals of organic chemistry (despite 8 college hours in the subject), the appeal of Sara Palin, the appeal of Kim Kardashian, and how to cook a chicken breast without making it dry (well that one bothers me a little). But it seems that I should know if I'd like another baby and if I want my family to contain four or five human members.

When JP and I got married we thought we'd have 3-4 kids. I was one of 3 and it seemed like the perfect number to my 12-year-old brain- not as perfect or boring as the 2 kids/2 parents combo and not as crazy as the 4-5 kid families. JP is an only child and definitely wanted 3+ kids of our own. And then we had Landon. And while we loved him, we couldn't imagine voluntarily signing up for the first 12 months of baby care-taking again. Two years and a few months later, we accidentally got pregnant with Claire. Six weeks into Claire's infancy, I was absolutely certain we'd have more babies. I think I could have found out I was pregnant right then and been thrilled with it. But then Claire got bigger. She stayed just as awesome but we saw the way she and Landon interacted, and the way our family worked as a unit of four, and it was just so good and so easy. JP got a job and it was a bit rocky, but we figured that out and it's good again. While more time in the day would always be welcome, I honestly believe we get to spend enough time with our children and that they think feel the same. We're involved in their daycare classes, with their teachers and friends and parents, and we spend a lot of time together at home. And while I've learned that adding a child doesn't cut your time with your existing child(ren) in half, I do wonder how we could give enough to three kids and still give enough to each other (I'm a firm believer in the priority of the marriage before the kids- JP and I were a partnership before we had kids and we do our best by them in maintaining that happy, supportive, loving relationship as our family's backbone). And then there's finances (daycare is about $60,000/kid over the 5 years), logistics, and the increasing realization that in about another year we'll be done with diapers, cribs, strollers, and all other baby accoutrements. And that sounds pretty awesome.

But- if I'm done, shouldn't I know that? It's so big- creating a whole new little person to love and care for, to find adorable and brilliant and hilarious and everything we think about Claire and Landon- how can I not know if I want to do that again or not? To have a family of four v. a family of five? The idea of not having Clairebear is devastating, and I know I'd feel that way about baby #3 should I get a chance to meet him/her. Ambivalence just seems out of place and yet that is exactly what I feel.

If I were to bet (and I wouldn't because I hate gambling and even the fact that we have money in the stock market drives me crazy), I'd say we're done. It makes sense. We're happy. The world is generally built for groups of four. It's easier to travel, something we desperately want to do more of, and we can start taking big trips sooner if we exit the baby years at Claire. As a kid I thought the four person families were too perfect. As an adult I see that a table for four (and hotel room for four, and car for four...) is a wonderful thing. The thought of being done with pregnancy and the need for new clothes and making my body gain/lose 40+ pounds in a year, that sounds pretty good too. I love both of my siblings and can't imagine life or my childhood without them- I never once wished for a smaller family. But I also don't think that had it been just two of us, that I would have felt that something was missing. JP claims that if he were to bet (and he actually would because financial risk is something he finds fun) he thinks we're having more, but he's okay if we don't.

I don't know what we'll do. As I cleaned out the kids' closets I made two sets of bins. One "memory bin" for each child with the special clothes- the ones that even if we were to have a third and fourth I wouldn't reuse. The baptismal dress, the home from the hospital onesie... those are preserved forever. Then I made another bin of the clothes for each sex, at each age, that are nice, unstained, and cute enough that I'd look forward to using again, but should we not have more children, I'd give the whole bin away without a second thought. We've done the same with baby toys and gear- given away most, kept a select few favorites. I look at the pictures of friends with their brand new babies in the hospital and I can't imagine not having that experience again- of being in the hospital, marveling at what you created, and spending those weeks at home, snuggling on the couch with your sleepy, stretchy little wombat. But then I visited a friend today and held her newborn baby girl, and while I loved being able to chat with a tiny baby sleeping on my chest, I didn't feel a single pang of jealousy or desire as I handed her back over to mama.

Part of me thinks we'll wait a while, see where are careers go over the next few years, and then, if we do want to expand our family, try to have two more close together again. We're 28 and 30, we have time. Most of me thinks we're done. All of me wishes I knew what I wanted, and I wonder why I don't.

Christmas Delicious

2011-12-13T17:02:00.002-06:00

I promise that not every post I write this month will be about Christmas, but the holidays do sort of dominate between late Thanksgiving and early January. This past weekend was all about cookies. Specifically my Swedish great-grandmother's absolutely delicious though very time consuming sugar cookies. And frosting. Lots and lots of frosting.

I made up a huge batch of dough on Saturday, after a massage (using up FSA funds!) and a P. Terry's cheeseburger date with Clairebear, and before a reptile birthday party for one of Landon's friends (I held a spotted python. He was so soft and smooth, I wanted to put him in my pocket so I could pet him all day- except JP does not like snakes and my jeggings don't have functioning pockets).

With the dough ready, here's how you spend your entire Sunday immersed in sugar and Christmas cheer (and your whole next week eating 6-7 sugar cookies every day, just like the ELF diet recommends):

Pull your tripled recipe of dough (which nearly broke my industrial strength kitchen aid mixer) out of the fridge, turn on Christmas music (preferably, the Frank Sinatra/Dean Martin holiday station on Pandora), clean off your counter, put on some supportive shoes, and prepare to spend the next 3 hours rolling out and cutting the dough into festive shapes. And making a giant mess because by the time you are done, flour will be EVERYWHERE.

Your children can help.

love Claire's concentration tongue; dislike Landon's sudden morph into "big kid"

Then they will be tired, because pressing the cookie cutter into dough that mommy has lovingly (and repeatedly) rolled into smooth submission is really hard work. Put the little one in your bed because you don't really want her to take her nap yet and she won't sleep long without her blankie or the ability to wedge her face up against the bars of her crib.

You will continue cutting and rolling and cutting for another 2-3 hours. There will be no pictures because you started this project in glasses, pj's, and unbrushed hair and now feel compelled to finish it before you do any of those things. By the end you will probably just make whole trays of Christmas trees and stars because they're the easiest shapes to cut (the snowflake cookie-cutter having been immediately abandoned as too intricate, along with the wreath and its impossible cut-out center and skinny ribbon strings). The dough will keep multiplying until you finally just eat the last cup or so raw. It will be delicious.

Wash it down with a diet coke, take a shower, and get ready for decorating and the eating of much frosting! Invite friends over to help if you can.

For the decorating-- make a rainbow of super sweet frosting (powdered sugar, skim milk, a dash of vanilla, and food coloring) and get out sprinkles and a giant bowl of red hots (the best cookie accessory).

The children will want to help- don't let them leave the table until they've decorated at least 10 cookies. Marvel at the fact that your little girl refuses frosting and only eats naked cookies. Ponder how you can possibly be related (despite the fact nearly every other thing about her is exactly like you).

As the kids get tired, force your husband to decorate at least half of what he plans to eat. It will be your responsibility to create any cookies you can actually give to people (daycare teachers, etc.), so take care with the frosting and use the colors appropriately. In other words, be the opposite of your husband who dumps pink frosting on snowmen, doesn't use red hots as little buttons down the tummy, and otherwise acts in complete disregard of your sacred holiday tradition. Make him clean up.

At the end of it all, pop in a Christmas movie- preferably a claymation version from the 1960's- so your kids can detox from the sugar while you (or, preferably, your husband) clean up.

Wrap up a selection of cookies for your kids' teachers in pretty bags with ribbon, try not to wince at the sudden decrease in your cookie stash, and then eat one more cookie (an ugly one, decorated by your husband, because that's all you have left) and curl up with your kids on the couch for at least an hour before attempting to make a non-sugar based dinner or pack lunches for the week ahead.

And then later, after all that is done and the kids are in bed, eat a few more cookies, drink a glass of wine, and know that you have done everything necessary for the holidays to arrive.

Stressless Christmas

2011-12-09T15:04:00.000-06:00

My Shutterfly photo books are heeeeeeeeeeeeeere! They arrived yesterday and I am SO HAPPY with them! I actually squealed when the mail guy brought them to my office and spent the whole afternoon all giddy and jittery and failing to restrain myself from flipping through each one for the 42nd time. I talked to opposing counsel in my tax case and I'm sure he thought I was WAY too excited about tax qualifications, but they are just so beautiful (the books, not the tax provisions) and I love the pictures so much! This year I incorporated excerpts from emails and blog posts to capture the kids in various months. Last night, as I was forcing JP to read Claire's Book for the second time, he asked why the letter he was reading was signed, "love, mama" instead of being from both of us. I answered, "because I'm the one who wrote it! I write them letters every once in a while and save them." He looked shocked. A few thousand people have read those letters on the internet and my beloved husband had no idea they exist. But back to the books- I ordered an extra copy of each this year because I realized I wasn't going to part with them until I die, and maybe not even then, so now the kids will have their own set. Oh I love them so.

Along with the photo books came the 125 Christmas cards I also ordered on Shutterfly (with matching address labels because they were pretty and my magical coupon codes made everything so inexpensive I started trying to think of more things I could order with photos on them- until I realized no one needed a large blanket or life-size stand-up photo of my family, not even me), so now I'm happily sticking on my address labels (printed a few days ago on holiday labels I bought at Target) and matching return address labels and humming to the tunes of the Frank Sinatra holiday station on Pandora. Other than the yearly baking of the Swedish sugar cookies (planned for this weekend), Christmas cards are my final holiday task list item and I was getting a little antsy about it. The presents are bought and wrapped, the house is decorated, and the Christmas outfits are hanging in the closet. I've been busy every December I've had at the firm, so I've learned to plan for Christmas in whatever pockets of free time I have in the months preceding- something I can't really help but do anyway.

I know the holidays are supposed to be stressful, but I've always found them to be nothing but wonderful. Maybe I have low expectations, or maybe other people do way more than me, but decorating the house takes about 2 hours, and I can do it after the kids go to bed with Love Actually on TV or Christmas music playing off the CD's I copied from my mom's collection. JP decorates the outside of the house, something he did this year between conference calls the day after Thanksgiving (he worked about 10 hours a day every day that whole week; as it turns out, working in the consumer industry is not so fun around the holidays). I start my Christmas shopping whenever I find something I think the person I'm shopping for will love. This year, I bought my mom's Christmas present in March and it is perfect. My brother's was purchased in May, my sister's in June, and my dad's just last week (he was tougher). I have a covered bin in the coat closet where I add the items, mentally checking off my list. The kids were done a few weeks ago (though a last minute order of new crocs is on its way- they need them and the cyber Monday deal was too good to pass up). Now I just get to go to parties and sing along to Michael Buble and excitedly check the mailbox every day to see holiday cards from friends and family. I LOVE THIS MONTH. Not even the fact that I have three more briefs to write and file before the 25th can mess it up.

new assistant

In other holiday fun, my firm's family Christmas party was yesterday. You might remember that Claire was a bit suspicious over the whole "hey little girl, come take some free candy out of this bucket" thing at Halloween. Well that is nothing compared to the face-crumbling, finger clawing, PANIC that occurred when I tried to sit her next to Santa Claus (in a separate chair, on my lap). Landon sat next to Santa and asked for a jet (a fast one, because seriously, who wants a slow jet plane?), but Claire would have NONE OF IT. She who walks up to strangers in stores with her arms up, begging to be held, and will follow strange families to their cars at parks, would not get within 3 feet of the white-bearded Santa man.

We moved on to decorating gingerbread squares (aka, eating the candy that's supposed to go on the squares), making ornaments, and eating pizza before heading home.

We've also recently attended JP's work party (mine is tonight and then we're done) and it was so nice to finally meet some of his colleagues. They were all so complimentary of JP (and full of awe at how much he eats; yes, it's that noteworthy) and had such great things to say about his work and general self. It's always fun to hear your spouse be properly lauded- especially when he works All The Time. (Also fun: overhearing your spouse's boss say, "man, you married UP").

normal work outfit + red lipstick = work party outfit!

This weekend will be all about cleaning out my last closet for another pre-holiday goodwill run, driving around to look at Christmas lights, making the daycare teacher gifts, and rolling out, cutting, and baking 25,000 Christmas cookies-- and having friends over to help decorate them :). JP will work some, I'll work some, and at night we'll watch our DVR'd shows that we never get to watch during the week because we're (guess what?) working! But the holidays are here and the red lipstick is out and the sugar cookies are coming- life is good.

Healthyness and Other Blessings

2011-12-07T10:07:00.000-06:00

I got home from work on Monday at 1:30 a.m. Tuesday morning. I left at 1, but had to stop at the gas station because JP drove my car all weekend and left it for me with a cruising range of ELEVEN MILES. So at 1:09 a.m., in 29 freaking degree weather, with my little screen computer telling me I had a SINGLE mile of driving range left, I had to stop to fill my tank. I left JP him a special voicemail to listen to in the morning. I suppose I could have waited to share my irritation in person when we both woke up, but I feared that sharing a bed and morning cuddles would taken away my ability to make him fully appreciate how unbelievably annoyed I was in the moment.

Then when I parked my now-full car in the driveway and walked in the door at 1:27 a.m. I heard wails coming from upstairs. It was the Clairebear, growing her canines and VERY upset about it. I snuggled her for a while, forced some ibuprofen in her mouth, and cuddled her some more. I finally got in bed a little after 2 only to find myself too hopped up to fall asleep. I couldn't let go of the feeling that I should have stopped writing my draft 2 paragraphs before I did... the rambling words I hazily remembered writing just keep getting worse and worse in my mind until I was left with a deep-seated fear that I had lost all punctuation and possibly proper English before I sent the draft to the partner. The thought haunted me all night. At nearly 3 I was finally drifting off when the wailing began again. I kicked JP out of bed to go comfort his daughter but lay awake until he came back. And so the pattern repeated- Claire crying, me kicking JP out of bed, every 45 minutes until 5 a.m. I was so tired at work yesterday that my body ached from the inside. But, it was okay. My draft wasn't as terrible as my exhausted 3 a.m. mind made it out to be (though the partner did highlight the last paragraph and insert a comment, that said "it seems we're repeating ourselves a bit- perhaps we could shorten? or remove? this paragraph". I deleted my text immediately without reading it again).

And that long exhausting night with Claire was a nice reminder of how well our kids sleep most of the time. I don't think we've been woken up in the middle of the nice in at least 6 months. Usually it's a book, a goodnight kiss, a song, and a closed door - it all takes about 10 minutes and JP and I are back downstairs by 7:45 continuing on with our evening. Landon wakes up about 7, checks on Claire, and either plays with her in her room or comes downstairs and entertains himself until about 7:30. It's a blessing I'd temporarily forgotten to be thankful for.

And speaking of blessings- we headed to the ER (or really, minor ER) for the first time in THREE YEARS last Friday. Landon had slipped off the monkey bars at daycare and busted open his chin. According to JP (who happened to be working from home that day and was thus 1 mile away when he got the call instead of his usual 55 miles away) there was blood everywhere, but Landon was calmly holding an ice pack to his chin and asking a lot of questions about these "stitches" everyone kept talking about. I left work to pick up Claire (daycare was going to close soon) and meet the boys at the Immediate Care place. I found Landon just as JP described- dried blood all over his shirt, holding an ice pack, now asking questions about the fountain on the wall behind him ("but where does the water COME FROM? Can I drink it? Where does it go?"). We were seen quickly and though JP and I both held our breath during the "how did it happen" questions, it seems now that Landon can talk for himself and give his own detailed account of just how his fingers slipped on the bars, we weren't subjected to any additional scrutiny. I don't think a spike of anxiety in that moment will go away until our children are grown and we don't accompany them to the doctor anymore.

(Side story: Claire was so offended in triage when the nurse didn't pay attention to her. She sat very nicely in the chair next to Landon and looked genuinely shocked when the nurse only took his temperature, his pulse rate, his blood pressure, etc. She kept looking at me like, "Um, I'm RIGHT HERE! Is she ignoring me? NO ONE IGNORES ME." It was pretty funny.)

We were quickly seen by the doctor and found out that Landon was a perfect candidate for the dermabond glue instead of stitches. What an incredible invention. After cleaning the cut and rubbing some clear sticky stuff, we were released! He had a bandaid we could take off in 24 hours, he could take showers and baths, and could even attend the bounce house birthday party of a friend the next day. My two siblings and I each had stitches once or twice as kids and I wish that glue had been around back then.

Landon's "bonked" chin (as he calls it) has been our single medical issue this year, another blessing I'm meditating on this morning. I'm a little irritated I have nearly $1,000 wasting away in a health FSA account that has me I'm frantically trying to think of eligible things to purchase, but am overall so thankful at our remarkably healthy year. Claire didn't have a SINGLE sick-baby visit and neither did Landon (though we had a few nurse calls during his big stomach bug in March). JP's ear was truly cured through his surgery last year and I've just had check-ups. In the 10 years JP and I have known each other, we've been in the hospital about seven times, had three surgeries between us, and been to the ER on numerous occasions. Landon's had two surgeries and went to the hospital more times than I want to remember his first year. Claire seems to have stopped our pattern.

And speaking of the Bear. She turned 18 months old on Sunday and had her check-up yesterday. She's in the 75th percentile for height, 60th for weight, and 99+ for head. She was very angry about her shots (daddy took her, so it was all his fault) and glared at everyone during check out. I need to write about her at 18 months, but turning a new draft of my brief takes precedence. So until then- she's healthy and happy, independent and cuddly, smart and sweet, and just generally adorable. 18 months might just be my very favorite age, with 2 and 3 years taking close seconds.

Now I'm off to turn a brief and research what else I can spend FSA funds on in the next 3 weeks besides a 5-year supply of contacts (and I only wear a contact in one eye, so that's a LOT of contacts...).

Today's Task

2011-12-05T08:16:00.001-06:00

Today is going to be a busy day. Due entirely to my own fault (well, a discount Shutterfly code shares some of the blame; it expired on 11/30 and I felt compelled to get in all my photo book, photo calendar, stationery, and Christmas card orders -- $800 of merchandise for $295! It was a highlight of my week. And then on Friday afternoon I had to race out of the office early because Landon fell at daycare and needed stitches (he's fine; it's another story). And Claire and I went to Houston for the weekend), I have an entire brief to write today. Approximately 20 pages long, incorporating research across a variety of damages and intellectual property issues, in response to an issue of enormous importance to the case and the client. I promised the partner a draft on Monday. On Friday, sensing the fact that I really had not left myself enough time to do this, I clarified "Monday" to mean "before he wakes up and checks his email on Tuesday."

So today, I am writing.

I think one day soon I will write a post about writing a brief. It occurs to me that I had no idea what that meant before law school and reading about the process (i.e. about what it is litigators do when they're not dealing with discovery) will probably turn a lot of law students into future transactional attorneys, but I love it. It's hard- I'm staring at this stack of cases, a few half-written outlines, a highlighted and marked up copy of the opposing side's original brief (with things like "that's not what that case really says" or "check trial trascript, day 6- pretty sure we countered that in direct testimony" hand-written in the margins), and my big cup of Earl Gray tea and think, I love my job. Where else, outside of academia itself, could I get paid to be this academic? To simply write and think and write and think and write some more. Hopefully, by 5 a.m. this morning I'll have a coherent, well-organized response for the partner to redline. Then I'll incorporate his comments and we'll do another round of commenting, then I'll send it to the client and incorporate their comments, then it will go to a paralegal to cite-check, and then, on the day it has to be filed (the filing deadline in federal court is midnight), I will print out our latest version around 9 p.m., sit in an empty office somewhere on my floor, and read it from start to finish, making small hand-written edits to change a word, add a comma, etc. Then it will be filed, along with the exhibits and declarations in support and whatever else it needs. And then we will wait for their Reply brief where they'll try to convince the court that I didn't just really tear their original brief apart.

Because I will. Starting in about five minutes. Happy Monday everyone!

portraits of 2011

2011-11-30T23:06:00.003-06:00

I got the proofs from our family pictures today.

Every outfit but Landon's is different from what I originally picked out, and the kids were only borderline cooperative-- and in only 2 of the 60-something the photographer took are we all actually looking at the camera. But. We look happy, and we look relaxed. And no matter what else is going on in our lives, that is how we usually are around each other. And that is exactly what I wanted the pictures to capture.

This has been an interesting year. It was not marred by any bad events or tragedies, but more mundanely complicated by a series of smaller struggles and adjustments. There was the struggle of JP's job search hitting its 1-year mark, and then the adjustments that came with the wonderful job he began in June. And my job, which had been a consistent positive, finally threw me into a brick wall of hours, travel, and (low) morale. But, we are all healthy and whole and remarkably blessed. A few weeks ago I saw this quote, "If you take care of this moment, you take care of all of time." I would add that while taking care of the moment, it's helpful to at least run a few google searches on whatever you plan to do next, but still, it's been a nice little mantra for me lately. Taking care of the moment- whether that means lingering over something wonderful, or pushing through something hard or difficult to get on to the next thing, just take care of it. It's what you've got.

We're still figuring out this life of ours (something I suppose will never really stop)- determining how it's going to work now, how we want it to work in the future, and where we want it to go next. But anytime I get caught up in the question marks, I just try to remember that I have everything I need in JP and my family, and together we'll work out each step along the way.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2011-11-28T16:01:00.000-06:00

I love this time between Thanksgiving and New Year's. From Thanksgiving Day itself, with all the food and wine and relaxation, through the whole month of December, with the lights and anticipation and music everywhere, I adore it all.

I found the motivation to put up the Christmas decorations on Saturday (after finishing Landon's shutterfly photo book! and starting the first page of Claire's...). The kids LOVE them. We read "The Night Before Christmas" and when we got to the line "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care" Landon exclaimed, "our stockings are hung there too!!". What a coincidence.

We picked out our Christmas tree last night. Landon was very proud of our selection.

Claire just ran around and giggled and then gave me about 25 kisses when I picked her up. She's very into giving kisses right now, complete with a little smacking sound. I love it.

The weather FINALLY decided to let go of summer and the temperatures dropped to an appropriate 50 degrees yesterday. We went for a bike ride while it was still in the 40's and this is how Landon prepared:

Cowboy boots, blue pants, justice league t-shirt, green jacket, Ironman gloves, Spiderman mask, and, of course, the green shark helmet. He assured me he was very warm.

here to save the day, or, maybe rob your house

Claire did not have the benefit of the Spiderman mask and squawked several complaints from her stroller when the winds kicked up. I blame the fact that she was born in Austin and not Chicago. But as long as she wasn't being forced to go on walks in 40-degree weather, she was her adorable, delightful, entertaining self all week.

All in all it was a wonderful, restorative 9 days off work for me (3 vacation days has never stretched so far!). I loved being with the kids so much. I loved watching them play together, eating dinner together at 5 (JP worked all weekend, but he did it from home), and gathering on the couch in pj's- with everyone bathed and the kitchen cleaned- to watch old claymation Christmas movies at 6:30. I'm not sad to be back at work today- in fact, I felt more enthusiastic about work today than I have in months (it helps that I can now play the Frank Sinatra holiday station on Pandora, oh that makes me so happy), but it was unreservedly wonderful to spent the last week solely as a wife, mom, daughter, niece, granddaughter, amateur chef (I cooked a giant brisket!), and creator of photo books.

Now, on to the next legal brief. (With a bit of cyber Monday shopping on the side.)

Pictures and other things

2011-11-25T16:31:00.000-06:00

It's been a great past few days. Our trip to Houston was wonderful.

new princess dress from Gigi

We went to the zoo, spent time with aunts, uncles, and cousins, and watched Harry Potter 7.2. JP missed us terribly and was very happy to come home to us on Tuesday night. He's been working like crazy, and is on conference call number four of his six today (with five more scheduled over the weekend). I, on the other hand, have not worked for a single minute since last Friday. And it's a good thing- only one of us is allowed to complain about our jobs at a time. Plus, one adult needs to be available at all times to entertain and/or generally supervise the children.

The Bear, with the bears

Since we returned I've been pleasantly busy crossing off fun (non-legal) to do list items. We baked pumpkin bread, I read the new Lords of Deliverance book (the sequel series to Larissa Ione's awesome Demonica series), and after a brief Target run today, I'm 95% done with my Christmas shopping. I started making my lists for the kids, JP, and my immediate family over the summer- thinking of things they might like and figuring out the price range for each. This year I've done a good job of sticking with it. I have exactly what I want for the kids and spent about $75 for each (most of it is from Santa). Now I just need to avoid stores for the month of December so I don't get tempted by anything else. I have a weakness for children's books and toys, particularly the ones I had when I was little (someday I will re-buy all my "vintage" Little People on ebay... someday).

very intently watching The Incredibles and Papa and Gigi's

But by far my biggest accomplishment has been finishing Landon's "Year 4" photo book on Shutterfly. Those things take me FOREVER- if I billed that time, the book would be worth about $100,000, but I love and cherish them so much when they're finished. My problem now is that I started these books when Landon was an only child, so we have "Landon's 1st year," "Landon's 2nd year," etc. I'm going to make a "1st year" book for Claire, because there's so many milestones in those first 12 months, but I'm not really sure I want to continue making a separate book for each kid. Finding the time each year to make the one book is hard enough. And then what about a general "Lag Liv Family" book for each year? I'm not going to want to hand all these books over to the kids when they move out, so maybe I should be buying two copies? My other dilemma is timing. Because Landon was born in July, each book I've made so far runs from July-July of each year. Claire's will run June-June. But if I make a general family photo book, I'd rather it just be for full the calendar year. So do I start that now for 2011? I'm 6 months behind just trying to make 2 books- and I haven't even started Claire's yet- so I'm not sure why I'm puzzling over the time frame for this hypothetical third series, but I do feel like making a transition to a "family" book would make sense. There's just not enough time in the day- or the wee hours of the night, which is when I work on most of them- to make it all happen.

family picture in two parts
(taken before Claire dumped milk all over herself at dinner)

We ate Thanksgiving dinner at my grandparents' retirement center in San Antonio yesterday. It worked out wonderfully. A 60 minute drive, no shopping, no cooking, and no clean up. And we got to eat with all four of my grandparents at the same table- four grandparents who were thrilled to have us there. Landon picked out his outfit (including the bow tie) and Claire finally got to wear at adorable dress I bought for her a year ago (you can't see them, but there's a row of gold buttons down the back, it's very snazzy). Both kids behaved generally well in the formal dining room and Claire made lots of new peek-a-boo friends at various other tables.

if it has wheels, Claire would like to ride in it

JP is now outside stringing up Christmas lights between conference calls, so I suppose I should do something about the three boxes of Christmas decorations sitting on my kitchen floor. But I really just want to play with pictures and make another photo book while the Frank Sinatra holiday station plays on Pandora. I love Christmas, but I'm already kind of over the whole idea of decorating for it. And I don't do nearly as much as my mom did when we were little. I'm just keep reminding myself of the magic of coming home from school one day in early December and finding the whole house redecorated- it was pretty awesome, and I figure I can at least do a slimmed down version of that for my kids.

With a full 9 days off work and UT winning the football game last night (a football game I actually watched- at least for the last thirty minutes- and got seriously stressed out about. Who knew I had it in me?! JP is now glad I usually don't care because I spazzed out on the couch the whole last quarter and kept gripping his arm and repeating things like, "this is SO STRESSFUL!" and "I CARE! I seriously care! THIS IS STRESSING ME OUT."), perhaps the only thing that could have made this Thanksgiving week better is if the weather would drop below 75 so we could pull out the kids very nice Fall clothes and stop wearing the very worn out summer clothes. But I'm not going to be picky.

Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone. I'm thankful for so much and that includes all of you. I can't tell you how much it means to see your comments and to know you're out there reading. It was only four years ago that Thanksgiving was a little darker and things were a lot less clear. I'm so thankful for where we are now, for the role you all played in that, and for the fact that you're still along for the ride.

Home

2011-11-20T22:38:00.001-06:00

The kids and I are in Houston. We drove over yesterday, jogging stroller, bright orange bike (with lime green shark/dinosaur helmet), and pink blankie in tow, and we're staying with my parents until Tuesday. I'm taking this whole week off work. JP was supposed to be with us, but then he found out the week of Thanksgiving is one of his group's craziest weeks, so he and the dogs are holding down the fort in Austin (and missing us like crazy). I realized a few months ago that I hadn't spent much time in Houston this year, and when I had, it was always for some event or party, with much fun and little down time. Now that we're only 3 hours away from my parents, we're both terrible about taking real time to see each other. We get more frequent visits, but they're much shorter, so we planned this trip for the days before Thanksgiving to just relax and enjoy the family and the neighborhood. At 29 hours long and counting, this is now my longest trip home since last Christmas and it's been everything I'd hoped it would be.

I'm always surprised at how nice it feels to come home- how familiar and warm. We've lived in this house since I was 5 (my driver's license informs me that I'm now 28). Our hand prints are set in cement in the driveway- then a family of 4+, recently arrived from Los Angeles, and awaiting the birth of baby #3. There's so many memories here- my new baby brother coming home from the hospital, packing for camping trips with the trailer in the driveway, waking up at the crack of dawn for swim meets- finding the cereal bowls my mom had set out the night before and listening to "pump up" music on the stereo. Elementary school, middle school, high school- I loved every single year I lived here; it would be impossible to pick a favorite. My best friend lived across the street and every other friend lived less than 5 minutes away by bike or rollerblade. I learned to drive on our circle, got ready for my first middle school dance, my senior prom, and my wedding in the upstairs bathroom that all 3 of us had to share. I remember when I brought JP home for the first time from college. It was October of my freshman year and he'd brought a bottle of wine for my parents that neither of us could legally buy. We pulled up in the driveway and honked the horn and I had this vision and thought, one day we're going to do this with our kids. Later that night, after he'd snuck into my room from the game room where he was supposed to be sleeping on the pull-out couch, he said, "you're going to think this is weird, but when we pulled up in the driveway today... I could see us doing that with our future kids in the backseat." We'd been dating for 6 weeks. Eight years later we pulled into my parents' driveway, in that same car, with a one-year-old Landon in the back. We opened our wedding presents on the ping pong table on the back porch. After our wedding reception, we didn't want to say goodbye to our friends just yet, so we came back to my parents' house, tapped a keg on the back porch and partied till 3 a.m. Two days later, when it was time for JP and I to drive up to Chicago so I could start law school, we waved, all smiles, and pulled out of the driveway to start our long drive. I was sobbing before we got 10 houses down the road. JP kicked the car in reverse and zipped back up my driveway so I could jump out of the car and give my parents one last hug in the kitchen (where I found them both crying).

So. Many. Memories.

I was thinking today that JP and I seem to move about every 3 years, and I could see that pattern continuing. There's so many places I want to live- different parts of the country I want to explore and new cities I want to experience. I wonder where we'll eventually settle and where our kids will consider home. I wonder if there will be a house we live in for the 20+ years my parents have lived in this one. But then I think about something my dad said about 10 years ago. About how his parents' house, then in Florida- a house he never lived in growing up- was home, because they were there. And there was something about walking in the door of that familiar place and knowing, you're home, because mom and dad are there and for a few days, you're a "son" again, along with your usual daily roles of husband and dad.

And I think there's something to that- that there will still be a feeling of "home" - of comfort and warmth and security - wherever my parents live next, because they will be there. But then I think about how we took a walk this morning to my elementary school and I was able to show Landon the window of my Kindergarten class. And that part of me-- the part that loves telling Landon, as I tuck him in bed, that this is the room that mommy slept in when she was a little girl-- that part knows there's something special about the feeling of family combined with this physical place that simply can't be replicated. And I'm really glad I still get to come here, to come Home.

Lighter

2011-11-16T23:03:00.001-06:00

I just lost 6 inches of hair. My last haircut was in April- I'd been wearing my hair back in a messy bun pretty much every day for weeks, and that's my sign that it's time to finally call the salon and make an appointment. And of course it was on the day we FINALLY get a good hard rain (which is YAY! x 1,000,000, but it totally messed up my post-cut blowout).

The expression on my face says, "oh crap I hope this is the right button to press on the phone because someone's going to walk in any second and wonder why the hell I'm taking a picture of myself in front of a mirror." The perils of self-portraits in the firm bathroom (well, that, and terrible lighting). Anyway, I think I like it. It's shorter, it's lighter- I feel like I've lost 5 lbs. just by cutting it. My favorite length is about 2 inches longer than this, so I should be there early in 2012.

P.S. Claire says hi.

P.P.S. That's one of our favorite books, "Mommy's High Heel Shoes." It's a cute, positive book with a happy working mama (and her awesome shoes), that has bright, colorful drawings (and a hidden heart, cupcake, and ladybug) on every page. Landon went through a phase where we read it every night. Our other favorite working mom book is "Oh My Baby, Little One." I think that one's applicable for any kind of separation, including mother's day out, preschool, etc., but the mom does happen to go to work while the little one is at school and I like that. It also contains my all-time favorite closing line:

"But oh my baby, little one,
the sweetest thing I do
is sweep you up and hold you tight
and come back home to you."

So true :)

New Adventures, pt 1: the Application

2011-11-14T22:22:00.000-06:00

10 pm, Nov. 14th, 2011

I don't know when I'll be able to post this, but feel compelled to write. I submitted a cover letter and resume for my dream job today. I haven't written a cover letter since 2006 and hadn't updated my resume since my summer associate internship in 2007. I made my secretary and good friend read both before I sent them because I suddenly become irrationally afraid I'd included a typo. My hands shook when I sent it. Both because I'm so excited about this job it scares me, and because it is such a huge step for my family. It would involve a move, a new city, a new daycare, new schools, new friends, new everything. It is terrifying on both levels- that I'll get it, and that I won't.

I've mulled over applying for a week. When I got the call inviting me to do so I sounded hesitant- it's my nature. The job sounded amazing, but my mind immediately jumped to the 100-item task list I would have to write to move my family. I thought about it for a few hours, talked to JP, and spent 3 hours on citydata forums picking out a neighborhood and a hypothetical house. Okay, I thought, we can do this. I called the person back the next morning. I wanted it, I said. And I did.

My biggest concern was JP, followed by the kids. They're young enough that I think they'll be fine in a new place. Both are gregarious, both have been in childcare since infancy. It hurts to think about leaving our daycare. We just had our bi-annual parent-teacher conference for Landon and loved hearing the stories of his day, all of which illustrate just how much he is thriving in that school. He's the leader of his pack of friends during outside time- he narrates all their imaginative play, generally involving Power Rangers, knights, and "fighting princesses." The day after I found out about the job, Claire had a tough time at drop-off. It's rare, but it happens, and she clung to my neck and cried and cried as I pried her off. I hate those mornings, but by 11 a.m. I had two emails- one from her former infant teacher who stopped by to check on her (upon hearing from the front desk lady, and Claire's biggest fan, that "our Clairebear" had a tough morning), and one from her current lead teacher, letting me know that she was happily playing with her friends after a few minutes of special cuddles from Ms. Molly. I'm going to cry on our last day there. Hell, I'm crying now. It's been a special place.

But JP was my biggest worry. He just spent 12 months looking for a job, how could I possibly ask him to do that again only 6 months after finding one? I wouldn't, I decided. I could wait a year- maybe going part-time at the firm for that time- and wait until he'd worked for Current Employer for 18 months. I told him about the phone call, because I tell him everything, and he said, "apply for it. It's exactly what you want. I'll be fine." I laughed a little and admitted it wasn't pure selflessness that had me skittish, his looking for work was hard on me too. "But we'll be fine, you know that," he said. And it's true, we're stronger than any of that. Five minutes later, I heard JP call out from the study, "I found a master's team I can swim with!" And so we checked off a task that wasn't even on my imaginary list.

On our weekend hike I mentioned that I was already worried about daycare. JP looked confused- why? Did we pay for the whole year already? I gave him an annoyed look, "no, a daycare for the new city." Oh, he waved a hand, that'll work out. Breathing deeply to avoid a tirade about how things don't JUST work out, they work out because I spend hours obsessively researching things and MAKING them work out, I decided I could delay most of the worry until I had some indication the move was likely instead of just possible. And then we hiked up another hill and talked about how much we loved Austin.

I just priced moves, checked on my hypothetical house, and talked to our old realtor about selling our house. I'm so excited. I'm terrified at how much I want this job. I'm overwhelmed at the thought of actually moving to a new city where we don't know a single person. I'm so excited.

Austin Adventures

2011-11-13T21:55:00.003-06:00

Another personal resolution was to take better advantage of this beautiful city I live in--at least in the cooler months. Most people don't think of trees and forests and rivers and breathtaking hill country views when they think of Texas, but Austin has all of that and more.

(from a separate hike, two weekends ago)

We took our family pictures yesterday at Bull Creek Park. Landon was the only one dressed in something from my original selection of outfits; I wasn't thrilled with my top and Claire did NOT appreciate being given direction on posing or facial expressions, but I'm hopeful that we got a few good shots. Bull Creek was a new park for us, but we couldn't explore much because we were in our "handsome clothes" (as Landon calls them) and Claire needed a nap, so we drove back early this morning to explore.

And explore we did!

JP and Landon jumped the creek first to climb up the steep rocks on the other side. Mommy watched from the other bank, trying not to yell "Careful!(!!!)" while Claire looked on with her concerned face.

When they came back, I wanted a turn at the fun, though Landon insisted on going first because he was now the "climbing expert."

(I totally love this picture)

After we climbed the rock faces, we decided to hike one of the park trails.

Claire worked really hard.

We came across another part of the (drastically lowered) river bed; this one had old wagon wheel tracks that a sign told me are from the 1800's when this was a popular route for commerce, before the dam was built. Pretty cool!

The hike back was a bit longer than we expected, but Landon is a trooper and JP has nice strong arms to carry the Biscuit. We drove home along 360, admiring the limestone cliffs beside us and the hill country all around and below us, and alternated our discussion between a very-possible, near-term move and how very lucky we are to live here now.

Personal Resolutions

2011-11-11T11:47:00.002-06:00

I have at least 6 half-written drafts in blogger from the past few days. I'm trying to save you all from rambling brain dump drivel, save me from oversharing about work, and save everyone from the ping pong balls in my head going: "you have a great job and you LIKE it;" "I need to work less;" "I don't like the jobs that promise I'll work less;" "and I like my job way more it's coming across in my blog posts, I should fix that;" "but I should stop talking this in general because work angst boring and it's all I've been writing about;" etc.

So, moving on. Many moons ago I mentioned I was embarking on a self improvement project. I made many of the improvements and then forgot about the project until blog reader/new friend CZ asked me about it during our meet up dinner in Palo Alto in August. The good news is that I'd forgotten about it because I'd actually incorporated several changes into my daily life. The bad news is, in forgetting about the reason I made those changes, I've let a few things slip. So now I'm writing it all down to introduce elements of internet permanence and public shaming into my personal project.

My list, in brief, with the possibility of expansion later, of the things I decided sometime early this year I wanted to do to improve myself:

1. Speech Therapy. I stutter. I have since I was little. I doubt people notice it much anymore as I've learned my words to avoid and don't get as flustered when I get stuck, but I hate it and it is the #1 thing I would change about myself if given the opportunity. What finally motivated me to try speech therapy was hearing Landon stutter. As it turns out, for him, it was a very temporary, developmental thing, but the flashbacks to being made fun of as a kid gave me a near panic attack as freaked out about it to JP. Within a week, I had my first speech therapy appointment. It gave me hope I wouldn't always have to avoid words like calculator, emergency, and Israel (oh I have a whole long list, which includes my own fucking first name (curse words, incidentally, are never a problem)), but then I got busy and stopped going

2. Family Dinner- now with vegetables! As I've mentioned many times before, we have family dinner every night and missing it is a complete killer for me work/life balance-wise. We've been doing this pretty well for years (I've never gone through a drive-through after work, or ordered takeout mid-week, ever), but I noticed we'd been lax about side dishes - making pasta, but not having a salad or vegetable. So now, (almost) every night, there's a vegetable- even if it's often a bunch of frozen peas dumped in a bowl with some water and nuked for 2 minutes. Pizza nights are the hardest- I hate chopping veggies for a salad, but I also just never feel like eating green beans, carrots, or peas (my go-to frozen veggies) with pizza. But I do because it's good for the children (and also, those little cubed carrots and peas are one of Claire's favorite foods- she eats them with her own little spoon and always looks so pleased with herself when she gets multiple peas on her spoon and all the way to her mouth; like pretty much everything about the Bear, it's adorable). But we should really add some more vegetables to the mix- and some new entree ideas while we're at it.

3. Physical Activity. I don't work out in a traditional sense. The last time I was in a gym was 2006- I don't have time, and if I did have time, I have admitted to myself that I wouldn't use it to go to the gym. But I'm an active person. We go on walks most nights (for a while it was every night, then it was 10000 degrees outside and we got lazy- and justifiably concerned about being incinerated by the sun), we go for hikes on the weekends, I pretty much never sit down when I'm at home... little things, but they add up I think. We're getting back on track with walks every night - sometimes it's just once around our big circle (about 3/4 mile) while the water gets to boiling on the stove before dinner, but I think it's important- for us and our increasingly pudgy dogs.

4. Classic Clothes. This is more superficial, but I've decided to stop buying clothes because they're on sale and start buying pieces that are well made and classic (with "on sale" being a sought-after bonus). Like my general decorating philosophy, I'd rather have one nice thing than five cheaper things and I hate clutter and I'm applying that to my closet. This has gone well, but mostly because for the past several months, I've been too busy to shop.

5. General Health. I finally made a general practitioner appointment a month ago. In our "why are you here today" talk I mentioned insomnia, severe chronic headaches, and chronic stomach trouble. I'm 28 and a poster child for what stress can do to your body. So I'm working on all of the above- there's some bloodwork and traditional medicine, perscription drug type therapies, FSA-approved massage, and I bought a groupon for yoga. I've haven't actually gone yet because yoga intimidates me (I can't touch my toes, it's embarassing), but I'm determined to try. I need to learn to meditate, I need to stretch, and I should probably get more physical activity. Beginner yoga seems like a good place to start. I just have to make myself go...

Little Moments, in Hipstamatic

2011-11-07T23:25:00.000-06:00

So my 4-day weekend last week wasn't enough to recover from The Case (the case to end all cases; the case that very nearly made me quit my job; the case that made me cry TWICE- 2x more than the births of my children made me cry -- that case). I returned to work on Tuesday, relaxed, but utterly apathetic. I worked on things, I did a good job- an acceptable job- but not a me job. I gave nothing more than the minimum, I had no burning desire to get more involved in these new matters. I just wanted a week of sitting at my desk and playing on the internet- was that too much to ask?

Yes. I'm now on four cases. I should be flattered I got snapped up so quickly, and I suppose I am, but mostly, I just really wanted to do a little online Christmas shopping and maybe secretly re-read a few books on my iPhone thanks to my Kindle app and a strategically placed book of the federal securities statutes.

So I left early last Thursday and stayed home last Friday. I had a cold, which gave me an excuse, and an appointment with a plumber to fix some sort of valve that was causing our pipes to shake and moan every 30 minutes between 2 and 5 a.m. (which was just awesome for an insomniac and light sleeper). I kept the kids home with me, of course- I find myself generally unwilling to be parted from them for long. It would be easier to get back into the work groove if they would make caring for them difficult- if there was a tantrum or a day without napping or something... but no, they're absolutely freaking delightful. They play together more and more- not just near and around each other, but together in the same game. Claire's personality grows bigger every day, but as big as it is, it barely rivals her sweetness and smiles. She gives impromptu hugs and kisses on your cheek, and also throws kisses from a distance with a widely outstretched arm and a loud smacking "bwaaaaa" sound. Landon is almost always dressed as some sort of super hero and Claire is always his side kick. When he goes anywhere- even just to the living room from the kitchen, he'll say, "Claire, do you want to come too?!" and she'll nod very seriously, climb down from whever she was, and toddle behind. On Sunday, I spent about an hour on the floor of the play room just hanging out with them- sometimes playing with them, often just watching them play with each other and it was perfect. I can't believe we ever questioned adding Claire to our family. Later, when we were playing outside on the driveway, Landon fell off his bike and skinned his knee, and before I could get to him, Claire had run over on her chubby little legs and hunched down to kiss him all better.

Today was a good day at work. I got in at 7:45 and plowed through a whole lot of work on four different matters. I was assigned to a 5th one as I was leaving and am working on a Response to a Motion to Expedite as we speak (or as I type?). And as I research case law and massage legal holdings into pursuasive language, I become engaged again, and I remember why I like so much of what I do. But then I field head hunter calls and calls from former colleagues with job leads and wonder if I should make a change and what change should that be? When I leave the office at 2:00 in the afternoon to take my kids to the park because I worked late the night before and have a lull between rounds of revisions, I wonder, is there anywhere else I can do that? But then I think, maybe at that other mythical job, I wouldn't have been up until 2 a.m. drafting a brief in the first place.

I don't know. I look at my happy, healthy, thriving, loving children and know that they're okay. They're in a wonderful daycare with teachers who care for them. They have a structure and constance to their days, and barring the very rare late night in the office, we eat dinner and play games and read books as a family every night. They're good, I truly believe this. And JP and I are good too- we can do this, this two full-time working parents thing, we're making it work. But, we've started asking ourselves- why? and, do we have to? If we each had the option to step back a bit at our jobs- make slightly less money, and maybe delay or pause a bit on the career ladder- why wouldn't we do that? For our own sakes, just to have that extra time with two ridiculously sweet children and with each other? And even though I used to grind my teeth when anyone asked me if I was going part-time, mostly because no one ever asks the male working parent that question- I no longer think that stepping sideways for a bit will permanently unend my career. Though, I admit, that thinking that and actually stepping aside are two very different things. And the fact that we pay 3x the cost of our mortgage in childcare + student loan payments each month is a road block to certain options, but not all.

I think JP and I both will have made certain changes to our jobs and/or schedules by January. Or at least they'll be in process. Just thinking and talking and planning for them is a step. A step that makes me happy and calm, even as I have about 4 more hours of work to do tonight (and it's now after 11 pm).

This post was supposed to be about the iPhone pictures I took below over the weekend. I love having a camera on my phone- it captures so many more of the little moments. But I guess that's what the above rambling is about though- the little moments and how we can be there for more of them. We're working on it.

Landon and Great Uncle Carl the Pilot on Friday,
watching airplane videos on youtube while mommy worked a bit
(we love when Uncle C has layovers in Austin)

Saturday hike in my beautiful city

urban view

Claire, following Landon up any rock he climbs

making daddy so pretty

Claire's favorite set of wheels

tricks

Batman mask from the back of the Cheerios box
apron from mommy's kitchen drawer

wearing every Batman item we could find in the house

heading out for the day: blankie and a lunch box

Continued coverage of Halloween 2011

2011-11-03T22:41:00.004-05:00

I took a few days off from pretty much everything except my children, my husband, and that darn 2,000 word article. It was lovely. I feel so much better and I no longer fantasize (much) about JP and me quitting our jobs and traveling the country with our two children in a beat up Winnebago (or anything else that is the polar opposite of our life now). Perspective, sleep, a pedicure, and a large amount of candy corn--and four straight days with only brief separations from my children-- and I'm much better.

It already feels like a lifetime ago, but it would be a blogging travesty not to update my riveting Halloween coverage with pictures from the actual Halloween day costume parade and trick-or-treating experience.

First up, the daycare party and parade. Claire morphed into an mad little hornet and yelled at anyone who told her she looked adorable in her tutu.

angry bee

Landon had fun, but was really just holding out for the evening trick-or-treating. For the first time, he remembered the year before and he knew it was going to be AWESOME. He checked with me about six times to make sure he was allowed to have TWO pieces of candy after trick-or-treating, and then after making sure of his future good fortune, spent the rest of the afternoon reminding me that I'd told him he could have two pieces of candy after trick-or-treating.

We spent the afternoon of cooking, cleaning, dancing, and napping, before our good friends came over to eat dinner and trick-or-treat around our kid-friendly, conveniently circular neighborhood. I made chili, and because we're fancy, the kids ate Halloween shaped macaroni and cheese without any vegetable side dish. We attempted to herd the children for a group picture, but ended up with a series of kind of awesome outtakes. Finally, at 6:30, we headed out with our wagon, our glow sticks, and our adult beverages.

The picture above notwithstanding, Claire was a very happy bee. And Landon (who has generally stopped letting me take pictures of him, which is why I had to include the one above) was SO excited to show the two younger girls the ropes of trick-or-treating. Everyone thinks this about their kid - and everyone should - but Landon really is a special little 4-year-old. When our friend's 3-year-old daughter walked in the door, Landon couldn't wait to show her his toys and even tried to send her home with a few. He wants everyone to be happy and safe and he made the girls' positive trick-or-treating experience his own personal responsibility. He spent the whole night using his sugary sweet high-pitched I'm-talking-to-a-baby voice saying things like, "Okay, this house has its lights on! We can trick-or-treat here!" and "oooh did you get a good piece of candy?!" and "See that house? We're going there next okay?!" Cracked us up.

line leader

Despite Landon's tutelage, Claire was bemused by the whole process. She would carefully select a piece of candy only to put it right back in the person's bowl before turning around and leaving. She also kept trying to walk in the person's house and was continually surprised when they didn't let her in.

first house!

But she did insist in going to the front door of EVERY house, generally 30 seconds after Landon and E had finished and were ready to move on.

She also insisted on taking her OWN path to that front door. A path that usually lead her over grass, bushes, and drought-killed flower beds.

She also communed with lawn decor, giving these flamingo skeletons a bat just before punching them in the head. Repeatedly.

She never rode in the wagon we brought, preferring instead to push it from the back or tromp through people's yards. At one point I lost sight of her between houses, only to spot her between some bushes in an unlit side yard, attempting to climb up the gated side of someone's porch. As our friend said with a laugh about halfway through our journey, she's a character.

The kids had a blast and we adults had a lot of fun ourselves. There's something so happy about Halloween- at least at this age. Before the slutty costumes (oh ugh) and the I'm-too-old-to-trick-or-treat-but-I-put-on-a-mask-give-me-candy thing, there's just this magical night where the kids are running ahead of the laughing group of picture-taking adults and half of the fun is that it's past their bedtimes and getting the candy is as exciting as eating it. I had so many flashbacks to my childhood, running around a similar circle of houses where we knew all the neighbors, with the dads and their beer wagon and the giant post-treating candy exchange on our living room floor at the end of the night, and it just made me happy.

It was a good time and I'm looking forward to next year just as much as our resident super hero.

I'm sure Claire is looking forward to it too, but mostly she just wants you to go get her milk.

Happy belated Halloween everyone.

In the Office while Out of the Office

2011-10-28T22:51:00.002-05:00

I ended up going to work today, but only for two hours of fun and candy and costumed children enjoying both.

Today was the Firm Halloween party. It's my favorite party of the year- all employees and their kids are invited, there's trick-or-treating around the offices on the third floor, and the conference room is transformed with treats, toys, and food (Whole Foods catered Hot Dogs, chicken strips, tater tots, and fruit- it's very clearly a kid event :). Not even my bone-deep need to get away from work today could keep me away from the party.

And the kids get to try out their costumes before the big day. Behold --

Optimus Prime and Bumblebee!

Partners in Crime and Candy! An Autobot Team United Against Decepticons and Naptime!

And Mommy in Her Magical Crime-Fighting Riding Boots!

We headed to the office to begin the trick-or-treating.

Claire was HIGHLY suspicious of everyone's attempts to give her candy. HIGHLY suspicious.

Why are you showing me that pumpkin filled with delicious candies?

Why are you trying to put candy in my bucket?

I'm taking my bucket purse and getting outta here.

Phew made it through without acquiescing to anyone's need to put something in my purse!

On to the conference center:

Optimus runs SO FAST.

Claire accepts a pink eyeball cup filled with lemonade, but remains suspicious of candy-filled pumpkins.

Shooting in manual!

Wings!

60 seconds later, both the wings and the tutu were off and my bumblebee (who had already rejected the adorable headband) was running around with the big kids in tights, black patent shoes, and a striped tank top.

We headed home to naps, giggles, piles of pillows and a showing of Toy Story. We cuddled and cooked a frozen pizza and generally did not much of anything for the rest of the afternoon.

It's been a great day.

Out of Office

2011-10-28T00:49:00.001-05:00

I fell apart in the parking lot outside daycare this morning. I woke up to a million emails on 3 other, long-ignored cases and a separate email informing me the extension I sought for my article was denied and it needed to be 1,500-2,000 words long, so not at all the little e-lert brief I was thinking of. I had to back out of chaperoning Landon's pumpkin patch field trip (thank goodness I'd never told him I was planning to go), and I forgot his water bottle, and Claire had spontaneously given me the sweetest hug before we left the house this morning, resting her little cheek on my shoulder, and she looked sad when I dropped her off, and I don't know... I got in my car and tears just started falling. I called JP to tell him I was quitting my job, but he was in a meeting and couldn't answer, which is good, because he probably would have advised against that course and I was in no mood to hear it.

I got to work 20 minutes later, closed my door and worked for 6 hours straight. I got a lot done and have successfully cleared my plate to be able to take this Friday, Monday, and maybe Tuesday off. I need time with my family. I need some freaking sleep. I need a strongly worded out of office message.

But first, I need to finish this article (it's 12:48 a.m. and I'm at word 1002; unfortunately, it's a really crappy 1002 words, but they exist and that's the best I can do right now).

In the mean time, iPhone pictures:

At the park yesterday:

My office, after Landon decorated it with post-it flags last Sunday:

"I made it SO beautiful mommy"

My office, as I was leaving at 4:30 a.m. Wednesday morning:

I really do take more pictures of my kids than my office (though I have undeniably seen far more of my office than my kids lately; that's changing), but I use the DSLR when we're at home and I keep forgetting I have a camera on my phone when we're out.

This is going to be a good weekend and the start of a new, better few months work-wise. I've reached my limit- went well beyond it actually- and I can't do that again.

Delirious Stylings

2011-10-26T11:35:00.004-05:00

I'm just going to warn you, I got 3 hours of sleep last night and I'm exhausted and my eyes burn and my fingers aren't listening to my brain telling them which keys to hit on my keyboard. There's a lot of backspace going on. Yesterday I was in the office for 20 hours, leaving here just after 4:15 this morning. I can say that without bitterness or complaint because today this case is OVER. The jury will deliberate, things will be decided, and a matter that has consumed 14 months of my life will close (except for the Federal Circuit appeal, but I won't be working on that... much, and technically it will be a new matter number).

This case has taught me a lot and has given me more respnosibility and client contact than I've ever had before, but it is also directly responsibile for the few times I'm in my career I've wanted to cry or quit (or both). Last night's project consisted of drafting two Judgments as a Matter of Law that will need to be filed this morning in that tiny window between the close of our case and the jury leaving the courtroom to deliberate. And because it's a motion that basically says "hey look at all this evidence on our side! no reasonable jury could ever find against us on X issue, so judge, just decide it our way now before they get their instructions," you (I) have to cite allllllll the evidentiary trial testimony to back up your factual statements. And because of various issues in the case and the way the trial was trifurcated, everything I needed to cite came from testimony given yesterday. So I was up until the wee hours reviewing the trial transcripts as they were filed to drop in the citations we needed for statements I pre-wrote based on the direct- and cross-examination outlines, craft eloquent parentheticals to force hostile witnesses to agree with what I was writing, and otherwise re-work my motion with each new transcript I received because I'm not in court and don't actually know what was said until I can read it. (Bonus road bump: there were four transcripts to cover all of yesterday's testimony, covering 700 pages of single-spaced court reporting, separted into volumes A-D. I received each volume about 90 minutes apart starting at 9 p.m. in the order: B, D, A, and C. Extra fun!). I sent it to the partners at 4:30, they read it at 5, I woke up to edits at 7:30 and it's now ready to be filed. And I have to admit, after my final read-through this morning over tea, I'm pretty pleased.

The other issue taxing my brain lately, outside my case and its crazy trial, is selecting outfits for our upcoming family pictures. Our last attempt at pictures was rather disastrous (see Outtakes), so we've re-hired the original photographer who took our beautiful newborn portraits to do a "mini" session to get some updated pictures of the kids in time for Christmas cards (and to replace those 1 year/4 year shots, which have little value beyond their potential for comedic captioning).

Getting four people to "go" but not "match" and to look "nice" but not fussy or too "done" while thinking about what colors will look good in an outdoor setting, in Fall, with cool morning temperatures is REALLY HARD. Also, we all have different coloring, different sets of already-owned clothing, and I have not had time to shop in months. I perused portrait photography blogs to see what I liked and what I didn't like and quickly decided I wanted something simple and fairly neutral. Then I wanted an excuse to buy riding boots, so I decided I would wear jeans, those new boots, and a white or cream top and everyone else would work around that.

Some late night internet shopping and lots of office deliveries and shipped returns later, I have this assortment, which I'm quite pleased with:

Me: new riding boots, skinny jeans, one of these two sweaters (if they fit):

Landon: jeans, the shirt below (rolled up sleeves), and his tan cowboy boots

Claire: one of these dresses, possibly her adorable little tan boots, depending on how they look with the dresses I haven't yet seen in person

JP: jeans, brown boots, the sweater below

Yesterday I found this picture on our photographer's blog and I decided I want it, but with me and the Bear (and, if at all possible, with that woman's hair and body:

And now that my styling job is (nearly) complete (let me know which of Claire's dresses you prefer, I'm leaning towards the lavender), and I've rested my brain for a little bit, it's time to clean off my disaster of a desk and start reading over 200 pages of materials a partner sent me to read for an article I volunteered to co-author with him over 2 months ago. I've never even opened the attachments to the emails and the draft is due Friday. Oops. Back to work.

Updated on request with links to my selections (many purchased last night with the currently available 25-35% off discount codes for gap and oldnavy.com): White v-neck sweater (Old Navy); white shawl neck sweater (Old Navy); "Becky" brown riding boots (DSW.com); striped shirt (Children's Place); pink striped sweater dress (Gap); lavender dress (Gap); blue pullover (Old Navy).

Friday Things

2011-10-21T15:34:00.001-05:00

Thing 1: I am wearing my new riding boots today with skinny jeans, a cream sweater, and a long chunky bronze three-chain necklace. I feel very equestrian (minus, perhaps, the necklace) and am enjoying the fact that, in case of an emergency, I could ride a horse out of the office. Assuming of course that I had access to a horse (and knew how to ride it).

Thing 2: I've enjoyed your comments on the last post. I wrote it in exactly 8 minutes, edited a comma, and pressed publish. Sometimes that's a bad idea, but I'm letting this one stand. Those really are a lot of the thoughts pinging around in my head right now. Obviously some are more important than others, some are more realistic than others, and many of them can't happen at once, but I suppose that's exactly why they're bouncing around instead of lining up like the nicely ordered bullet points I want them to be.

Thing 3: Remember this motion? It won. BIG. On an argument I fought (loudly and repeatedly) to keep in the motion. Vindication, it is so sweet.

Thing 4: JP surprised me with a beautiful white iPhone 4S last Friday. He was supposed to be buying himself an iPhone for his 30th birthday present (he turned 30 on Tuesday; I was totally excited it, he was rather morose). He's had a tiny, terrible phone he can't operate for over a year so when he got his job I told him he should treat himself to the iPhone of us his dreams, but he decided to wait until the new one came out. Then, he got to the Apple store last week and found out he wasn't eligible for his "new every two" phone for another 10 months and to just buy an iPhone was $650 and he would never spend that much money on himself, so he bought me one instead! Happy Birthday! I had gone without such Apple indulgences because the firm gives me a blackberry for free and I just couldn't justify spending the money on an unnecessary second device, but secretly deep down inside, I lusted. JP knew this, and I have to say, after spending a week with this new electronic love of my life, besides our children and my wedding rings (and wedding watch), it's the best gift he's ever given me. The biggest benefit is probably the camera. I don't always lug my DSLR everywhere and the kids do cute things without warning. My 7th firm issued blackberry broke 48 hours later (perishing in a fit of jealous rage, I think), so I purchased an indestructible Otterbox iPhone case and got the firm to switch my work email to my new love. And then, to be all Gift of the Magi-ish, I sold an old camera body and lens on ebay to force JP to spend the extra money on his own iPhone already because (1) he desperately wants one, and (2) I'm tired of him not answering calls because he can't operate the cheap, half-broken one he currently has.

And now, for the important question- which apps do I need? I have Hipstamatic, Instagram, a Headache diary tracker (awesome), Kindle, Bank of America, Blogger, Pandora, Flashlight, and Angry Birds (though seriously, what was the big deal about that one? I'm just not a computer game person because other than finding the birds adorable for the first 10 seconds, I have no interest in playing). All but two of those were free, which is preferred. Is there anything else awesome (and free?). Which Hipstamatic lenses, film, and flashes do you like? I haven't yet found my preferred combo.

Wants

2011-10-20T11:33:00.001-05:00

I've been doing an unfortunate amount of thinking lately. Mostly this involves the same bullet points running around in my head, but because the bullets frequently contradict each other, none of them lead to any conclusions (except that it would be awesome to have a large trust fund) and they mostly just bump into each other and keep me from sleeping.

My thoughts, in no particular order:

I want a job that challenges me, in an area of law that interests me.

I want a smaller house in a different city.

I want to live in a different part of the country.

I want to live overseas.

I want more time with my family.

I want to pay off my student loans. I want that very, very much.

I want to want to feel done at 2 kids.

I want a family with 4 kids. More correctly, I see a grown family of four kids.

I do not want to spend $240,000 putting 4 kids through full time daycare.

I do not want to stay home full-time, ever.

I want JP to want to stay home in a few years. JP does not want this.

I want to travel with my family, a lot, everywhere, someday.

For reasons outside of my control (having to do with firm direction, etc. and the future of my section), I need to think about lateral job opportunities. This scares me. It opens up options which might be great, but there's too many of them and all have effects I can't see.

I am terrified of working somewhere people expect me to be physically present in the office after 6 p.m. I am terrified of working somewhere that does not provide me with the flexibility I currently have. I bill 2,000 hours a year, but the ability to move those hours around when necessary (for family dinner, for a daycare parade, etc.) makes my hours livable.

I need at least one more year at my current salary level to make a dent in my loans; JP not working for a year slowed down our accelerated repayment plan.

I want to be okay with paying off my student debt slowly and just carrying it for the next 25 years, but I am not. I want it gone.

I'm scared of taking a step back career-wise. I genuinely like what I do. I don't want to take a step back.

I want more time with my kids, now. In the day-to-day, it's fine, but I don't want to look back and wish I had more.

I want to re-learn how to take pictures with my DSLR in manual.

I want the next step to be clear. It isn't. It never is, I suppose, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

Maybe the best day all year, illustrated

2011-10-16T22:33:00.001-05:00

The upside of the downside of last Friday is that I am no longer quite so busy. After billing 220+ hours for the past 3 months, I decided the Lag Liv family needed a vacation. And after reading Becca's blog post, I decided that vacation would be a day spent in Burnet, Texas. I did a little research on Monday, was super excited by Tuesday, and found myself practically giddy as we pulled out of our driveway at 8:45 a.m. Saturday morning for our 90 minute journey. Vacation! Family time! First Saturday in three months JP and I weren't working!! (!!!!!!)

First stop: Longhorn Cavern State Park.

Beautiful and educational.

listening with rapt attention to the tour guide

We embarked on this trip with less than my usual obsessive research, so I didn't fully comprehend that the only way to see the famous cavern was to go on a 90-minute tour. A tour in which you are literally locked in the cavern for the duration of the journey into the deep recesses of an underground wonder. Also, there are tight, low passages, and it's pitch black in front of and behind you. In other words, it's AWESOME.

unauthorized rock climbing

Awesome unless you are 16 months old and you want to GET DOWN and climb the rocks BY YOURSELF. Or if you are that 16 month old's parents and you have to carry your 26 lb. dead weight of a baby through 90 minutes of cavern walking.

Without toys or snacks at our disposal, we spent a lot of time trying to get Claire to look for things that weren't there. Claire, do you see the airplane?! Claire, can you find the kitty?! Claire, do you see the doggie?!

there really was a dog, totally the highlight of the tour for Claire

In truth, she did great and we loved the tour. At 4 Landon was plenty old enough to enjoy it, and Claire put up with our inane requests to find invisible objects with mostly good humor. If you live anywhere near Central Texas, you must go. The history is incredible- that cavern has served as a Comanche council room, a Speakeasy, and a hideout for outlaws, not to mention the physical rock formation and the crystals inside are just amazing. When the tour was over, and my arm truly felt like it was going to fall off (I have no hips, I support the full weight of that toddler on my right arm), we were sprung from the cavern and the kids got to run around on the grounds and inside the old house/museum.

Landon has no idea who we are or why he's in this picture

he remembers

I tried to be Rapunzel in Tangled, but Landon told me my hair was WAY too short

By the time we were done burning off some post-tour energy, it was almost 11 and my lack of breakfast, plus my unusual uptick in a.m. physical activity resulted in a very hungry and very nearly crabby LL. We headed back to Marble Falls, a town we drove through 15 minutes before getting to Burnet, to eat at the Bluebonnet Cafe because I had seen a billboard for it on the way up and my mind fixated on it as though it was our only possible source of food. The billboard told me the cafe had been open continuously since 1929, so I figured it must be good. A line out the door was another good sign, though just to be mean, we had to wait next to a huge display case of their famous pies.

Of course, we had to order a few slices. Landon was pretty excited about the rare post-lunch dessert treat:

After lunch it was on to Sweetberry Farm, conveniently located in Marble Falls along with the pie, to pick out a few pumpkins and do whatever else it is you're supposed to do when you visit this famous farm I've been hearing about for 3 years.

The kids discovered a love for sitting on pumpkins, so they did that for 15 minutes while JP agonized over his pumpkin selection.

We ran into a co-worker of mine and she took a family picture for us-- a picture that prominently features our new family pumpkins:

There was quite a lot to do, but there was also quite a lot of people, and not being a fan of crowds or lines (and with kids who didn't really care about all the activities), we decided to head back to Burnet to visit a state park park I remembered camping at when I was little.

And Inks Lake did not disappoint. It was just as beautiful as I remembered, and thanks to a giant dam, the lake hadn't disappeared with our drought.

The kids waded and JP dove in and swam in his shorts (my packing consisted of two diapers, a travel thing of wipes, a towel, and an empty sippy cup- we were not prepared for swimming, or much of anything else). I took pictures from the shore and basked in memories of a childhood spent camping in lots just like the ones all around us.

It was the most fabulous day. We were gone for 8 hours, spent just under $100, and I couldn't stop smiling the whole way home.

Steps

2011-10-10T23:02:00.001-05:00

I had a shitty day on Friday. Easily the worst in my 37.5 months at the firm. It would be unprofessional to get in to the details- unprofessional and unfair given that the person largely responsible came up to my office and apologized in full for the whole mess today. And when a partner makes an all out apology to you, an apology which actually moves them to tears, you either decide to let go or you leave. And since I don't have any feasible offers at this very moment, I rallied some grace and thanked the person for making the apology- while also rebutting a few of the proffered explanations.

That was a victory. Not in getting an apology, though that was undeniably nice to hear. But in accepting it, without offering more. I've spent the last year working to be stronger in confrontation. I am a people-pleaser, a smoother of troubled waters, someone who physically cringes when someone else is uncomfortable in a movie and skims over awkward conversations in books. When another person is at fault, I go out of my way to play it down and make them feel better only to be infuriated later by my utter lack of support for myself. It galls me to know that even when everything was terrible and wrong during the Chicago nightmare, I still hated anyone being uncomfortable around me. I apologized for the situation- a situation I did not cause- countless times, frequently to the people who actually had a hand in causing it. The only person I call out on anything is JP and it is no coincidence that our relationship is the best, strongest, and most honest one in my life.

So today was a step forward. When someone 4 feet in front of me felt bad, I accepted that without telling them they didn't need to feel that way. I thanked them, genuinely, for coming up to tell me so, but I did not simultaneously brush off how I felt. Without knowing me, I'm not sure you can know what a huge step that was. Friday I was furious. Today I am simply annoyed. More steps.

Because Friday was what it was, I was a bit down this weekend. I started wondering what else I could be doing, what other jobs I might enjoy, where else we could live... those thoughts can be productive in the abstract, but when you're asking because you actually want a near-term change they're just a black hole that leads to a skull-splitting headache. Luckily, my parents came to town to join my sister and her boyfriend in the largest cheering section the 4-year-old soccer team had ever seen for an 8:30 a.m. Saturday morning game. Landon scored a goal and we followed the game with a celebratory brunch.

Landon on the sidelines, holding a Clairebear who wandered into his lap

The rest of the weekend was relaxing. I gained perspective. I organized three closets and all our used baby and toddler clothing. I took a car load of stuff to Goodwill. I slept for 13 hours on Saturday night. I did not work. I bought a gorgeous pair of brown riding boots. I ate a lot of candy corn. I watched an amazing Breaking Bad season finale. I slept more.

Today daycare was closed for an in-service, so JP took one for the team and fielded conference calls from home with two children bouncing around him. I gave him a break and took the kids to lunch at Five Guys (double cheeseburger with bacon and fries for me; hot dog for Landon; fruit, crackers, and the marrow of several dessicated french fries for Claire) and then Landon begged to go to my "work." I finally gave in, warning him that it would be a LONG time and there was to be no complaining. Also, boys wear collared shirts and no crocs are allowed in the office. He complied with both requests:

He was so good. SO good. He colored, he watched a movie, he filled out half of the "pre-K workbook" I bought off Amazon before Easter and forgot to give him. I was able to work steadily for five hours before telling him it was time to go home. He looked so disappointed- "But you said it would be a long time!"

I tried to explain that 5 hours was a long time and daddy was probably very ready for a little help with a Bear who was probably desperately missing her big brother. That worked. Landon put away his tape-paper-marker masterpieces, re-packed his Batman backpack, and we headed out, his boots thumping on the floor with the click of my high heels as we walked together. I felt good. I remember loving to visit my dad's work. I'm glad someone loves to visit mine, even if, occasionally, that person isn't me.

Pictures from That Day I Had Fun 4 Days Ago

2011-10-05T23:15:00.000-05:00

I billed 8 hours after 7 p.m. on Monday. Possibly the lowest moment of my legal career came at 3:01 a.m. as I was crawling in my bed and setting my blackberry alarm for 6:02 a.m. (I couldn't bear to set if for 6:00 and admit I was getting even a minute less than 3 hours of sleep). I had to wake up the kids at 6:50, which I hate having to do. I had the car all packed with my stuff, their stuff, and little to-go breakfasts. When I tapped Landon on his shoulder, he just rolled over and silently pointed to the door. When I woke Claire up she gave me a sleepy smile and held her hands up for snuggle time, but when I put her on the changing table and started taking off her pj's, she shook her head like, wait, no, this is not what I thought was happening, put me back to bed. Even better, I was also sick- my throat was on fire and I lost my voice- which was awesome for my 8 a.m. meeting with the partner to present my newly drafted arguments.

So, let's not talk about work. Instead, here are a few pictures from my very relaxing, restful, fun, family-filled weekend. We went to three parks, I baked cookies, and I slept. It was a little piece of heaven I can barely remember all these billable hours later.

Me and my girl:

You say: Claire, can I have a hug?
And Claire runs to you like this:

I make sure to do it several times a day.

She LOVES the slide. At one point, she threw herself down and landed face first on the wood chips at the bottom. As JP and I rushed over to her, she popped up, brushed off her hands, and ran over to the steps to do it again. Later we noticed she had two bloody knees; I think she sees them as a badge of honor and I freaking love that about her.

Dare devil moment part 2. Aka, "I can do anything my brother can do."

Claire really is our crazy little honey badger. She turned 16 months old yesterday and somehow manages to get more cute, more sweet, more funny, and more brave (also: crazy, foolhardy, utterly unconcerned with gravity and its effects) every day.

My case goes to trial in 12 days; I should have my life back in 17. There was a time I could survive on no sleep, but at 28, I appear to have already aged out of it.

Back to work.

The Thick of It

2011-10-02T15:19:00.001-05:00

My relief lasted only 24 hours into last week. I made the most of them- I made my Shutterfly photo calendar for 2012, booked a bunch of doctor's appointments for the various human and canine members of my family, and cleaned out over 2,000 emails from my Outlook inbox. I only billed 4.25 hours on Monday and it was wonderful. That all changed on Tuesday when I got tasked with responding to two of the other side's MILs (Motions in Limine for the uninitiated; a pre-trial motion you file to preclude the other side from presenting certain evidence or arguments that would be so prejudicial to the jury, you want to judge to rule on their admissibility before the trial even starts, or, at least instruct counsel that they must approach the bench before introducing the testimony so she can rule then. They range from the frivolous to the crucial; I was tasked to responding to two of the crucial.).

I billed 49 hours between Tuesday and Friday. I missed dinner on Wednesday and Landon was horrified. I did make it home to play a quick game of Memory with him (a game of memory I lost because I was so freaking tired and burnt out and distracted by how I was going to distinguish all the Federal Circuit case law I was mired in) and tuck him in bed before getting back to work. I tried to assuage my guilt at his honest confusion and annoyance at my absence by telling myself it's impressive that after 3 years and 1 month of BigLaw junior associate lawyering, my child was shocked that missing dinner was a possibility. It kind of worked, but mostly I just didn't have time for a break down about it.

My lowest moment was probably Wednesday morning when I sat in the partner's office, listening to her thoughts on the arguments that would go in my Response and I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. The MIL involves a lot of very unique, very technical intellectual property legal issues and I only understood about 25% of the words coming out of her mouth. The brief had to be filed by midnight on Friday and I just thought, "I can't do this." It was the first time in my legal career I truly felt that time, work, and a whole lot of case law reading just wasn't going to be enough... that I just couldn't get my head around the arguments I should be making and I wouldn't be able to turn out a written product that would be good, or even acceptable. I've never felt that overwhelmed before.

Twenty-five billable hours and a ton of work later I had two solid drafts for each brief. Twelve hours after that, on the day of filing, the other partner was finally able to read everyone's drafts for the 8 MIL responses and I got an email with "The one gets the prize for the best I've reviewed. I don't need to see it again before filing."

That may not sound like much, but in that section, from that person, it's the equivalent of 27 gold stars, a hug, and a beer. It was easily the most hard-fought personal victory I've had at the firm.

Was it worth missing two family dinners in one week and getting no sleep and a constant headache and working my brain harder than I have since law school? I don't know. Probably not. But being able to wrestle a bunch of case law and a set of facts and a few Federal Rules of Evidence into submission is part of why I love my job. It's HARD. It's really hard. It requires more brain power than I've ever had to give anything, ever, and I can't imagine not working in a job that required that of me. Because if I'm going to spend time away from my family, then I want that time to challenge and fulfill me- otherwise, it's just time I'm not spending with them. Now, it's that, but with something more, something deeply rewarding. Sometimes, in the thick of it, I'll fantasize about a job where I just show up, do it, and go home. There would be no bleary 2 a.m. nights, no dreams about case holdings, no frantic feeling that I really just don't understand the legal theories I'm trying to craft a nuanced, case-law supported argument against. There was a woman in my section several years ago, a "superstar" the partners adored and the other associates aspired to be, and she left after her fourth year to do part-time contract work for a smaller firm. A friend just had lunch with her last week and reported that she's very happy. She works 20 hours a week, has no blackberry, and does doc review and research support for the other attorneys. She isn't staffed on cases and doesn't write briefs, but it's what she wanted- "a job, not a career" - and she's home with her kids every day. But nice as aspects of that arrangement sound (and they do sound nice), even at 2 a.m. this past Thursday when I was so tired I hurt and I was staring at a draft I wasn't anywhere near proud of, I wasn't jealous of her. And that says something, I think.

It doesn't mean that I didn't find the time to update my resume at one particularly low point, or that I wouldn't be interested in something that falls in-between her job and what I'm doing now. And there's no doubt my weekend off with JP and the kids (and the 2 restorative margaritas I had at dinner and the even more restorative 11 hours of sleep I got last night) were all necessary to my well-being. But even in the thick of it, when I contemplated skipping my flu shot because a week at the flu sounded like a lovely break (I got the shot), I didn't really want to do anything else.

Relief

2011-09-26T14:38:00.001-05:00

Last week was rough. I worked a lot, under a lot of pressure and with tight deadlines (and on no sleep) and by Friday morning I was on my 4th day of a constant headache, with a bonus side of a numb, tingling right hand that was Freaking Me Out. I have a hard time admitting to stress. Mostly because I very rarely feel stressed- sure I was working so much even my dreams were overrun with legal research and arguments and I had one 6-hour stretch at my desk where I couldn't even let myself get up to go to the bathroom or refill my water, but I'm pretty confident in my writing and I wasn't stressed about the drafts I was turning. I was still joking with co-workers and soliciting votes on whether or not I could wear my new moccasins out of the office. I wasn't short on patience, I never snapped at JP or the kids. We went on walks, had family dinners, and tickled and read before bed. But on my third day of eating almost nothing because my stomach kept turning and getting dizzy when I stood up and then losing the feeling in my hand... well, perhaps it was time for a little relief.

On Friday at 5:00 I submitted my final, ready-to-file Daubert motion and all its exhibits to the paralegal to file along with the others. Two minutes later, JP and the kids were in front of my office for Landon's Big Brother Night Out. (One of the many, many times I'm quite grateful for the blackberry I have handcuffed to my wrist; I could never have left the office with a filing due that night, but I knew everyone else was busy with finishing touches on their own motions and I could disappear for 2 hours without anyone even noticing.) This night had been planned since August when Landon's soccer team secured discount tickets to the UT women's NCAA soccer game that night, and JP and I wanted to take Landon out for a special night with just us. Except the plan changed when Landon looked horrified when we told him Claire was going to stay home, so we got to save some money and bring the Biscuit along. We ate at a yummy Italian restaurant downtown and then watched the soccer game while the sun set just behind the skyline view. It was lovely, even if I had to check my blackberry a lot, and even though I ended up working from 8-12 after the kids went to bed.

But on Saturday I didn't work at all. After Landon's soccer game we drove to San Antonio to visit my four grandparents at their swanky army retirement community. It was wonderful to see them, as always, and the kids had a big time running down their long hallways and opening the impromptu presents that always pop up on a visit to the great-grands. On Saturday night JP and I watched Thor, which was as complex a plot as we could handle at the time (and even then I had to wikipedia the story because of a "wait, what? who is the bad guy here? moment" near the end).

And then came Sunday, my very favorite day- the day that makes the whole previous week worthwhile and the whole next week possible. We went on a long family walk and then took a group field trip to the grocery store. By 3:00 I had a 4 lb. pot roast in the oven, braising in a magic mixture of red wine, beef broth, roasted sweet onions and carrots, and fresh rosemary and thyme. I had little tupperware containers of fresh cut fruit, diced rotisserie chicken, and cubed cheese, all labeled and dated and lined up in neat rows in the fridge, alongside the similarly labeled little yogurts, bags of baby carrots, and dinosaur shaped PBJs. The radio was on. JP was mowing. Both kids (and dogs) were sleeping. I made chocolate chip cookie dough, and then, upon realizing the oven was occupied for the next 3 hours for my pot roast, ate the dough with a spoon, standing by myself in the kitchen. I felt blissfully domestic and happy. After a delicious dinner, I headed out to use up a massage JP had purchased for me for Christmas. The therapist spend the entire time on my neck, jaw, shoulders, and upper chest, and kept saying "ooh, you've got a lot going on there..." I feel so much better today. No tingling, no numbness, and no morning headache. I really need to do more massages. Well, it would probably be better if I got into a routine of stretching or working out or meditating or Something, but since I know I won't do that, massages are the next best option.

My other bit of relief is a full four months away, but I'm so, so excited about it. At 2 a.m. last Sunday I booked our first family ski trip for January 2012! We haven't taken a family vacation since August 2010 when I was on maternity leave, and skiing is JP and my favorite thing in the whole world, so we're really excited to take the kids along this time. I used all the airline miles I earned through my business travel in August to book 3 tickets (free!), negotiated an awesome rate for a vrbo 2 bed/2 bath ski in-ski out condo, got my sister to book us a family discount rental car, found a 34% off discount code for lift tickets, and now I'm bidding on kids ski clothes on ebay. Claire will go to kidscamp (complete with adorable ice-block slide), Landon goes to ski school (part-day, combined with kidscamp), and JP and I get to SKI (well, snowboard for him). At night we'll cook dinner in the condo and play games and watch movies... I'm pretty sure it's going to be the best 5 days of the whole previous year. We need this, a lot, and I'm going to repeat that to myself every time I feel like I should direct those funds to our student loan money pit. I describe my life as a balance, and it usually is, but that balance is not achieved on an hourly, daily, or even weekly basis. Sometimes it's a week off after a few months of stress and I Can't Wait. I may just hang a shingle in a ski town and never come back.

Briefs and Bears

2011-09-21T22:27:00.001-05:00

I have been caught in a 72-hour non-stop Daubert drafting vortex. There has been no sleep, a bit of stress, and a LOT of writing (followed by deleting, followed by more writing, followed by searching for better cases to cite, followed by some re-writing...). But the brief is done, the partners have approved, and the client just told me I get a gold star.

I really like gold stars.

Completely unrelated, I came home today to an adorable, squealing, pigtailed Little Bear who RAN into my arms when I walked in the door. The pigtails were new, courtesy of Ms. Natalie, and I was both charmed and suddenly awash in insecurity over the fact that I don't know how to do hair. Something new to research, I suppose.

A picture of the pigtailed Bear was necessary, of course:

Oh, this girl. This girl, who suddenly looks like such a little Girl (where is my chubby baby Biscuit?), she just kills me. In the most awesome, fabulous, oh-my-god-I-love-you-so-much it hurts kind of way.

Monday Bleeting, brought to you by Daubert

2011-09-19T12:52:00.000-05:00

- Sometimes I think shutterfly sends me discount code emails just to mock me. I made a photo book for each of Landon's first 3 years and now he's turned 4 and Claire's turned 1 without any photobooks forthcoming. But if I could make one this week, I'd get 50% off!

- I billed 8.5 hours yesterday to research and write a complicated, frighteningly important Daubert motion (i.e. winning the motion = tens of millions of dollars excluded from expert report and testimony). I worked at the office from 8 p.m. to 2:30 a.m. It is creepy to be the only light on in a whole building. A security guy walked by around 1 a.m. and scared the ever living hell out of me.

- I slept for 3.5 hours and then work-dreamt an idea on how to better organize my motion. I flew out of bed, took a 2 minute shower, and am now mired in the middle of my re-write. I'm feeling optimistic though, at least when I'm not overwhelmed by the cases and deposition transcripts surrounding me on all sides of my desk.

- At one point this morning JP--a JP who knew I got less than 4 hours of sleep and planned to sleep in this morning--popped his head in the bathroom with, "did you say you could take the kids this morning?" And my head exploded with, "NO OF COURSE I DIDN'T SAY THAT! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW! GET UP EARLIER WHEN YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE KIDS SO YOU DON'T ASK ME EVERY FREAKING TIME IF I CAN DO IT BECAUSE I'M GOING TO SAY NO AND IT'S IRRITATING TO HAVE TO." But I translated my #%*@#$(! to a simple "No." and he said "Okay, love you." and left with them. Sometimes I think that impulse to translate all the yelling to the simple answer is the basis of a successful marriage. Not that yelling doesn't ever have its place.

- In a fit of madness last week I ordered a pair of moccasins online. I haven't decided if I can pull them off, but ohmygod they are so comfortable. Never in my adult life have I owned a pair of shoes with nothing to offer except comfort. Usually, when I see other people in Comfortable Shoes it makes me wince (oh man are there some ugly ones out there; wide straps are never good people, never). They look like a pair of grandpa slippers, and they might be ugly, but they swaddle my feet in softness and light. The box remains under my desk with its return mailing slip hanging out the side. For $40 I really should keep them, even if I never wear them out of the house, but a little part of me feels like grandpa moccasins are just one step away from crocs and that's a cliff I can't jump off.

- We just got an invitation to JP's cousin's wedding in Florida. We have a legitimate conflict, which is good, because a wedding is probably an inappropriate venue to see his parents for the first time in 18 months. Though I'm sad to lose out on a chance to put Landon in a mini suit and Claire in a fancy party dress.

Alright, back to Westlaw, Daubert, and legal masterpiece-in-progress.

Tenable

2011-09-15T22:38:00.003-05:00

It's been nearly 8 weeks since my two Untenable posts (Part 1, Part Bacon) and things are so much better- good, even, and occasionally quite great during the week.

The biggest source of change has been the hiring of our new very part-time nanny, Natalie. I will admit outright that I struggled with the idea of having to pay yet another person to take care of my kids because we couldn't. It wasn't a problem with bringing someone new (the right someone new) into our lives. I've said many times before and still truly believe, that the relationships our kids have had with their non-parent caregivers have been a very positive thing for them, and I think the consistency and general structure of daycare has reaped benefits for all of us. No, it was the idea that we work so much that 45 hours a week of outside-the-home care wasn't enough coverage. Hiring someone else was a public admission of that and that was hard.

But it has been WONDERFUL. Here's what finally made me do it: crying on the side of the road, as described in Part Bacon, and having 4 cross-country trips scheduled for the month of August with a husband who works nearly an hour away from home and daycare. And here's what made me okay with it: it doesn't mean we spend less time with our kids, in fact, we spend more, and it makes us both more comfortable with the hours we spend apart. Natalie picks up the kids early, at 4:00, and JP and I still get home around the same time (but we get to leave about 30 mins later because we don't lose the time going to/from daycare). What really matters to us- our time with the kids, our family dinners, our group reading before bed- that has not changed. What has changed is that I can drop the kids off at 7:30 a.m. on a day JP and I both have early calls and know they'll be home again in 8.5 hours rather than 11. I can walk in the door at 6:15 to find all the lights on, the dogs fed, the daycare food containers washed (my personal least favorite task), and dinner warming in the oven (Natalie doesn't cook for us, but I cook extra on the weekends and save the pre-made dishes for her days). Which means that by 6:20 I can be in casual clothes on the floor playing with the kids while dinner finishes up, instead of doing all the above, and that is a really wonderful thing. And there is no way JP could have single-parented it for those 4 weeks I was traveling without Natalie, particularly since traffic is so unpredictable between his workplace and our home.

I think Natalie was a fated addition to our village. I had emailed Landon and Claire's daycare teachers in late July describing our need for help 7-10 hours a week and asked if they had any leads on where we could find such a person. I got an email back from Claire's teacher within a few hours saying she had just the candidate! The lead teacher of the toddler room (who taught Landon) was going back to college full-time and was looking for a very part time job after class. She knew both kids, was obviously comfortable with the daycare pick-up system, and had been with the daycare for 4 years so I didn't really need to do background checks. We had her over to the house and hired her immediately. The arrangement was we'd have her pick up the kids 3 times a week at 4:00 and pay her to stay until 7:00, though we planned to be home closer to 6. I had a bullet point list of tasks I wanted her to do (there's only about 4, but I like both details and lists and I thought it was best to be clear), guidelines for the kids, list of acceptable snacks, contact info, etc. - a fully inclusive Lag Liv kid care packet. We purchased and installed her own set of car seats and gave her a key. Everything ran great for 4 weeks, and we even had her get Claire one day at 2:30 when she wasn't feeling well (paying her extra, of course), and let me tell you, in a town without on-call grandparents, that is a wonderful thing.

Sometime around the first week of September, after I'd gone a whole 7 days without flying somewhere, I started thinking 3 days a week was one too many, but I didn't want to take pay away from Natalie that we had promised and I really didn't want her to feel she needed to look for a different job. So I asked her how the balance of school and work was going and she mentioned school was taking up a bit more time than she anticipated. I asked if her 2 days a week would be better and she jumped on it, so now she's 2 days a week with the option of 3 days when we need it. That works better for us, financially and personally, and she comes every Monday and Wednesday. The addition of another $4,500/year in childcare costs on top of the $25,000/year we already pay daycare sucks, but those late afternoons when I know Natalie already has the kids at home are SO much better. I can finish what I'm working on instead of frantically shutting down my computer and jamming every paper on my desk into my laptop bag, and I can know the kids are at the park or playing outside or reading books on their own couch and it makes me happy. Not as happy as if I were doing those things with them at 4 p.m., but I'm not and I can't, so at least they get to do them. And I'm glad that we still have to do daycare pick-up 2-3 days a week. I enjoy the interaction with the kids' teachers and Landon loves showing us various masterpieces around the classroom. All-in-all it's been an amazing change. On average we only have Natalie in the house about 5 hours a week, but the effect is much greater than that.

So that's my positive update. It's still hard. I still miss being able to call JP in the middle of the day to get him to bring something up to daycare or pick up something from the store. He misses seeing the kids as much as he used to. Mornings can be a bit crazy and days when JP and I both have matching deadlines are rough. But we've adjusted. We do all shopping, cooking, and laundry on the weekends. When the kids nap on Sunday I turn the radio on in the kitchen and bake and clean up a storm. I chop, sort, and date all the fresh lunch components (deli meat, cheese, fruit, veggies) in small tupperware containers, so each night during the week I can just throw in one of everything in the lunch boxes. I've come to really enjoy those Sunday afternoons, with the music on and the post-nap kids and dogs all over the place at my feet. We've been going on walks every night as a family (dogs included), which is nice talking time, and we've pushed the kids bedtimes back to 7:45 to give us time to do it. JP and I still work almost every night at the kitchen table at 8:00. We rarely watch TV anymore and we need to cancel our Netflix account, but last night we cuddled on the couch and read together and it was good. Really good. The first definition of "tenable" is the ability to be maintained and I think that is where we are right now. It goes up and down, but for right now today, for our jobs and general situation and making the best of everything that we can, this is tenable.

Bleeting

2011-09-12T13:11:00.000-05:00

As I've previously mentioned, I don't do the twitter. Partly because I can't imagine anyone would want to hear any more from me than they get here and on facebook, partly because any time I think "ooh, maybe I should tweet that thought!" I realize 3 seconds later that no, no that was not noteworthy at all, and mostly because there's no way I'd keep up with it. Also, I can't say anything in only 140 characters.

But lately I haven't been able to properly keep up with this blog either, so in order to avoid another 6 day gap between postings, I offer you a Monday selection of mini blog entries. Because half-formed thoughts are all I've got right now. Well that and 3 separate to-do lists for 3 separate cases that all just keep growing...

Bleet 1: By kicking the ball a whole TWO times in his first game, Landon has surpassed his mother's soccer career.

Isn't he adorable? Such focus! Such concentration! The next picture I took was of him standing alone in the middle of the field picking his nose, but we'll keep this post about the glory and success of his first tournament. It was darn cute to see.

Bleet 2: The Bear has decided her blankie is the most special thing in the whole world and it must be attached to her at all times.

She's had this blanket in her crib since she was born (she's wrapped in it in her announcement), but she woke up on Saturday and suddenly it became vital to her very existence. On the upside, it's adorable to watch her stalk around the house with it. Landon never had a chosen lovey, so Claire's attachment to this thing is a whole new experience. Plus, it's one my grandma knit by hand, so it's both special and easily reproduced. I'm talking to my grandma today about creating back-up #1 to slip into regular rotation with the original.

Bleet 3: Breaking Bad is the best part of my Sunday night. From 9-10 p.m. I'm cuddled on the couch with JP on my left and glass of red wine on the little table to my right. JP started me on that show, back at season 1, episode 1, and while I used to watch from the kitchen while I was working, it has now become a sacred tradition. There is no talking, no computer, and only intermittent checking and typing on the blackberry. It is SO good. And I love Jesse Pinkman. I just had to get that out there.

Bleet 4: Today is terrible, work-wise. It's busy and crazy and stressful and I knew the moment I woke up and blearily checked my blackberry that it would be this way. I think of work clothes as armor and high heels as my sword. They won't help me write this memo any faster, but even knowing what I'd be facing today, I did feel a little fabulous walking in to my office, hot tea in hand, wearing a black pencil skirt and 3 inch heels. And skirts ward off the impulse to curl up under my desk in the fetal position and cry! Little victories.

15 Months of Awesome

2011-09-09T17:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Little Bear,

You turned 15 months old on Sunday, and since I failed to write to you on your 1st birthday (in my defense, please see the ridiculously time consuming rainbow cupcakes I made for you; that was 5 layers of LOVE right there- love with homemade frosting), I thought I would address this one. Because to fail to record your awesomeness right now would be a tragedy to my future muddled memory. You are fabulous Little Bear, 24.5 pounds and 31 inches of smiling, clapping, absolutely fearless fabulous.

You have surprised us from day 1 with how easy you've made parenting. I think that's going to change soon (I'm not criticizing, but while your brother has mild preferences, you already have OPINIONS, strong ones), but you breezed through your 15 months as by the book, or ahead of the book, as possible. You slept 8 hours at night at about 5 weeks, you slept 12 hours at night by 12. You took to table food immediately and you completely dropped bottles one day before your 1st birthday. Since then, you have drunk all your whole milk from sippy cups, you eat everything we do (including the exotic and spicy; it's possible you eat a wider range of foods than I do), you run, you put yourself to sleep, you follow directions, you understand everything, you communicate better than half the opposing counsel I work with, you assume dominance of kids far bigger than you, and you wave cheerfully to everyone we meet. And then, in true Claire form, you wave bye bye and blow them kisses as soon as you're done with them- which, as was evidenced at this morning's 15-month check-up, is frequently before they are done with you.

Bear, you are a Force. As your besotted father frequently says, you are me in mini form. I take that as a great compliment. But along with your dominant side, you are still our wonderfully sweet and smiley baby. You hug (on request and on your own volition), you give kisses, you cuddle, you dance, you SMILE, and you love a party. You and I take a bath together every night, and in between bouts of splashing and carefully and methodically reorganizing the bath toys, you will suddenly sit on my tummy and lay yourself down on my chest, pressing your cheek against my skim, and wrapping your arms around my side in a tight hug. Then you sigh and close your eyes, sometimes just for a second before popping back up again, but Claire, in those moments, I love you so much it actually hurts.

Your brother remains completely enamored with you, and you rule that relationship. He delights in your every achievement, and there is nothing that makes him happier than trying to get you to like something he does. Any time he gets a special treat he asks to give you some, and if he's allowed to share, he gets so excited when you love it too.

I think I'll close by describing one of my favorite things you do. It's when you see your daddy or me at the end of the day and you go a little crazy Bear. You let out this high pitched squeal, your hands fly up in the air, you run as fast towards us as your deliciously chubby legs can carry you, and you chant "MamamamaMAMMEEEEEEE" (or, "DadadadaDEEEEEEE") the whole way. It is awesome.

As are you.

We love you so much baby girl,
Mama

3 Day Weekend: Wind, Fire, Love

2011-09-05T15:45:00.001-05:00

We just got in from spending all morning and midday outside.

That shouldn't be a noteworthy statement, but the 7 hours we spent outside today adds up to more hours than I think I've been outside since May. In fact, yesterday was probably the first time Claire ever played in our front yard- it's been over 100 since she started walking. (Pardon the dead grass; with the drought, green grass didn't seem very important, so we stopped watering months ago.) But it looks like our record-breaking "70 days over 100" streak is finally over. Even now at 2:00 it's only 88 with sapphire blue skies and a strong breeze.

It would be perfection but for the raging wildfires and enormous grey clouds of smoke to the east and north of us. As I told JP this morning, while we were watching the kids play at a nearby park, I feel guilty being so happy about the gorgeous weather when there's people 20 miles away losing everything. We've donated to the Texas Wildfire Relief fund, but when I watch this video on CNN, that doesn't seem like nearly enough. Steiner Ranch, where this video was taken (and where these pictures are from), is where JP coached his swim lessons for a year. The neighborhood is much like the one we live in, just a few miles north. I can't imagine losing everything in my home. The only good thing so far is that there haven't been any (or many, it's conflicting) reported injuries. But the high winds today aren't helping a 0% contained fire. When we went to bed at 11:30 last night the fire in Bastrop (40 miles away) was 16 miles long and 3 miles wide. So scary.

Landon asked about the "fire smell" when we went outside this morning, and he's been very curious about all the water planes and helicopters flying over us. We've talked about the wildfires generally, he's a pretty unflappable kid, but I didn't want something to scare him when he thought about it later. We talked about our fire detectors, where we'd go if there was a fire, and where the people who have fires are going to sleep tonight (he was most concerned about that). The biggest struggle has been explaining why they're still burning. Landon can't understand a world where firefighters aren't highly efficient superheroes, so I'm having to doge a lot of questions about WHY the firefighters haven't fixed the fires yet.

In other news, Saturday was our 6-year wedding anniversary, and the day before marked 10 years from our first date (and 3 years since I started at the firm, though that anniversary is less notable). For our anniversary we went to a swimming letterwinner's tailgate on campus. We didn't go to the game; mostly because I hate football and think those games last longer than anyone should be expected to stand in the sun (they stop that clock all the damn time, I used to get so mad at it in college), but also because we had the two kids with us and we didn't have tickets. The tailgate was fun though!

Afterward, JP surprised me by arranging for a babysitter so we could go out for a fancy dinner. It was lovely. I got all fancied up with a short black wrap dress and 4" black lizard pumps (heels so borderline hooker-esque that not even I have attempted to wear them to work, though they are from Ann Taylor and I feel like everything from that store has a "you can wear this to the office" guarantee; maybe that's why these were on clearance? regardless, JP was a fan). Halfway through dinner, as were laughing at something our crazy Clairebear had done that morning, I looked up at my husband and took a moment to reflect on how happy and how lucky I am that I get to spend every day with my favorite person on the planet. He must have been thinking the same because he randomly said, "you know, you're my favorite." I didn't even need to ask favorite what-- it's just favorite anything. I feel the exact same way.

(my very favorite picture from our wedding; it perfectly captures how I felt that day)

I need to get back to work - laboring on labor day - but keep the people of central Texas in your thoughts. Rain seems like an impossibility after this many months without, but miracles happen.

Soccer Mom

2011-09-02T22:44:00.000-05:00

My baby boy started soccer yesterday.

Or rather this giant, grown-up KID started soccer yesterday. My baby Landon wasn't there.

This is our first foray into the world of organized sports and it has already been a learning experience for me (what? you need equipment? aren't kids expensive enough without extra accessories?!). I was not one for the land sports. I endured a season each of soccer and tee-ball at ages 5 and 6 before finding swimming (thank God). The most I ever moved in tee-ball was when a bee stung me on third base, and when I asked my dad whether he thought Landon would be a better soccer player than me, my proud, loving father replied:

If he stands on the field and moves three steps in any direction he has already surpassed his Mom’s soccer skills! If he actually kicks the ball in any direction he is ready to go Pro relative to his Mom. Turns out his Mom was literally a fish out of water on the soccer fields.

Fact.

(I didn't know shin guards went underneath the socks, because that makes no sense.)

JP was a soccer star through high school (as he was at every other sport), so Landon has that going for him. Plus, the point of this season is just to see how he interacts with these older kids (thanks to his July 15 birthday and the July 31 league cut-off, he is the youngest kid on his team by 5 months) that he'll likely be starting kindergarten with next year. And to have fun and eat game day orange slices, of course.

We told him to listen to his coach and he did so with gravity and a serious intent. His sister on the other hand, flagrantly violated all the rules and took off with an orange cone (several orange cones, actually). She also kept running in to the playing field, utterly unconcerned about the bigger kids speeding past her.

JP and I are the only dual-parent working couple on our little team, so that's interesting. All of my friends in Austin work, all of my friends at work work (obviously), and all of my mom friends at daycare work, so I've actually never been around the SAHM set. They all know each other. I was on the outside, and I'm not even sure how that happened because I was in shorts and a tank top with no blackberry in sight! JP and I both made it to this first practice, but I had resigned myself to the fact our nanny would be taking Landon to the others (we'd be at all the games, I swear). I'm realizing this whole working parent thing is about to get a whole lot harder as our kids get bigger and busier.

But then the practice time got moved back an hour to 6:00 and I was more relieved than I expected to know I could make them all. Because while I think it's perfectly okay that we're not at every practice, I'm glad we don't have to do that quite yet. Watching a pack of 4-year-olds try to dribble a soccer ball around an orange cone that a 1-year-old sibling spectator is trying to steal is a pretty awesome way to spend 45 minutes of your Thursday evening. Almost as awesome as tucking your personal 4-year-old in bed later that night (with his "things that protect my legs," aka shin guards, tucked in bed with him) and being able to answer yes every time he asks, "did you see me kick the ball?!" With all my travel lately, it was nice to just be there, chasing after my cone-stealing baby and proudly watching my big kid listen very carefully to his first coach.

RRA Meeting 3

2011-09-01T15:56:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's been months since I last wrote an RRA post (oh man, it's been MANY months). I'm not sure how that happened, I've been reading voraciously, so I should have updated by now. Something about all the travel and the unfamiliar "I can't sleep in you anyway" hotel beds and the need to think about something that is NOT patent law before I go to bed has led to a giant stack of books at my bedside (and a book in every travel bag) even though I just entered over 250 hours for August. I've even gone back to paperbacks! At first I just kind of stared at the bottom of the page, waiting for it to flip because my finger was pressing the spine, but then I remembered that I needed to actually turn the page. How quickly technology changes us.

The paperbacks came back on the scene because I went to a party at a friend's parents' house in Houston in June and her mother and older sister are apparently big readers of my blog, and are particular fans of the RRA posts. In fact, when I walked in the door and the mom said something about regency romance, her dad turned and said (rather accusingly, I must say ;), "YOU'RE the blogger?!" That I am, and thus a 45 minute discussion of corsets and heaving bosoms was launched. I was sent back to Austin with a paper bag full of books- books I forgot about for several weeks and rediscovered while packing for my first trip to Palo Alto. I packed a couple books in my suitcase and all were read when I touched back in Austin 4 days later. After a 5-month foray into the world of vampires and magic, I was re-hooked on regular old historical romance (if you can call it historical, which most of the time, you can't).

My other reading/RRA story came on the plane ride home from my second Palo Alto trip. I'd finished the 2 books I brought with me and had left my kindle at home (poor thing is feeling very unloved right now), so for the first time in years I went to buy a book in a bookstore. Happily, I found the sequel to one of the books loaned to me by my friend's mom. I started it as the plane took off and read the last page as the plane landed. The woman next to me looked over, and then smacked her husband, loudly whispering, "honey, HONEY, look! that young lady right there started a book and FINISHED IT on our flight! HONEY!!" I wasn't sure what to do- she wasn't talking to me, but she was obviously talking about me, and I felt like I should explain the book was called "A Wedding Wager" and was a terribly light piece of literary fluff even by my low standards. In the end I just smiled and tucked it back in my laptop bag. After a very difficult and stressful trip, it was nice to feel good at something, even if it's just speed reading about earls and the woman who love them. I smiled my whole way off the plane (right until I hit the wall of 110 degree hit at the door of the plane, I'm really not sure I can live here much longer).

Now, on to a list of books I've read in the last few months, with added commentary because I can't help it (and I just entered my time for the month and feel I can afford to waste 0.5 hours):

Immortals After Dark series by Kresley Cole. Starting with "A Hunger Like No Other" and currently ending with #9 "Dreams of a Dark Warrior," I had so much fun with this series. It's a modern paranormal romancy actiony hybrid. I think #3 (Bowen & Mari) and #5 (Cade & Holly) were my favorites.
McCarrick Brothers triology by Kresley Cole (If You Deceive, If You Desire, If You Dare). Recommended by a friend, these books are about 3 Scottish brothers in 1850. #3 was by far my favorite, but I liked them all. Then amazon pointed me to her Immortals After Dark series and I was lost there for about a month- I do love a long series.
The Demonica series by Larissa Ione. I know I wrote about this before, but it remains a favorite and I re-read all of the books since I last wrote about them. Then I read "Eternal Rider," the first book in her spin-off Lords of Deliverance series, and LOVED it. The next Deliverance book comes out in November and I can't wait.
My Unfair Lady and Lady of the Storm by Kathryne Kennedy. I really like her books. The kindle versions are inexpensive, so I'm not sure how popular she is, but I think her stories and writing are fantastic. Lady of the Storm is the second book in a new series that starts with The Fire Lord's Lover. If she keeps it up, this is going to be one of my favorite series, I just wish she'd write them faster.
Black Dagger Brotherhood series by JR Ward. Another one I've talked about before, but I've re-read a bunch and really do enjoy the stories. Her writing frequently annoys the crap out of me (it's the fake tough guy talk), but I love the caracters and their interractions. However, I really disliked her latest one, Lover Unleashed. The main character was nothing like she seemed from the previous books, and even if I liked this new version of her (she was tolerable), she barely got any screen time! At this point I'm reading the series solely because my two favorite characters (Blay and Quinn) haven't had ther stories told yet and I live for the snippets relating to them.
The Leopard Prince by Elizabeth Hoyt. Part of the set loaned to me by my friend's mom, this was my first regency romance in months and it sucked me right back in. I liked the flip of a strong, independently wealthy woman with a lower class male character.
Whitney, My Love, Until You, Something Wonderful, and Kingdom of Dreams by Judith McNaught. How did I not know about this author? My mom friend/blog reader loaned me Whitney, My Love, saying simpy, "just read it." I started it in Palo Alto, got no sleep, and then immediately bought 3 more of her books. I wouldn't recommend reading them in a row because she only really writes one kind of male and female character, but I still found them so fun and so good, and with the tiny print and more substantive plot lines (not like non-fiction substantive, you won't learn any history from this book, but more weighty than A Wedding Wager, for instance), they took me longer to read than most of these others. Kingdon of Dreams is my favoritre, but I also adored Something Wonderful (and Whitney and Until You... they're good, is what I'm saying).
Shanna and A Rose in Winter by Kathleen Woodiwiss. Shanna was the first romance novel I ever read and I fell in love. I read it about 25 times before leaving my parent's house and, after basking in fond memories, read it again a few months ago. As it turns out, Shanna is maybe the most annoying heroine ever written, but Woodiwiss did better with Erienne in Rose in Winter.

Up next on my reading list is Son of the Morning by Linda Howard. I think it's a series, so I'm looking forward to it. I need to go back through my comments from the first RRA post because I need a few new authors to explore. (And/or I need Diana Gabaldon to get on with her next Outlander novel, I'm still annoyed about how she ended the last one!) Let me know if you're reading anything you love!

Claire's Best Friends

2011-08-29T21:12:00.000-05:00

I love dogs, but sometimes I look at my two giant canines and wonder what they bring to my house besides a mind-boggling amount of fur, regular $500+ vet bills, and a constant need for attention and love and space.

But then, I see this:

and I think okay, you've paid your rent.

(Flashback: Toddler Landon and his puppies.)

Turning Tables

2011-08-27T21:18:00.002-05:00

Not just my favorite Adele song, but a good summary of my Chicago OCI experience.

I may be unusual, but I really enjoyed being the interviewee when I was going through OCI and call-backs. In part, I'm sure, because I was interviewing in the pre-recession days when law firms were flush with cash and clients and in full wooing mode for candidates from top law schools. Summer programs were huge (my office had 26 summer associates when I was there in 2007; this summer we had 9) and budgets were non-existent. It never occurred to anyone in my class that we would leave law school without full-time market paying employment at a top 100 law firm if we wanted it. Times have changed and the balance of power has tipped, but I still think it was fun to speed date with various law firms over resumes and cocktails.

It's different being the interviewer. For one, you're now the wooer rather than the wooee. You're the old wife, and the firm is looking for the new hot girlfriend (or boyfriend). You have a job, so there's no pressure on you for the interview, but you have a job, so there's a lot of pressure coming from your blackberry that you can't check because you're in the interview. You're selling the firm, and you're judging your candidate, and you're trying not to crush the bright eyed enthusiasm coming from their side of the table.

I was probably not in the best frame of mind to be doing screening interviews for 22 optimistic candidates. I had finished working the night before at 4 a.m. and logged 2.25 hours of sleep before dragging myself out of bed to head to the law school. My case had exploded, I had a million and six things to do and emails to answer, and I'm staring with skeptical bloodshot eyes at someone saying "I can't wait to be a lawyer." But in spite of all that, I enjoyed myself. I like talking to people and we had some really fabulous candidates. Someone asked on the last post if I had any advice for 2Ls going through OCI right now and while it's not exactly advice, I do have a few observations, some of which surprised me (I've done a lot of call-back interviews at our office for the people who made it through the screening interviews at OCI; this was my first experience with the big pool of candidates, and at Chicago, employers have no say over who gets their interview slots, so it's more "pre-screened" than usual):

- With all but 3-4 candidates, I had my check-mark or x-mark made within 5 minutes. That surprised me the most, that you could make the decision so fast and the next 15 minutes only verified what you'd already decided. Twenty minutes was usually too much rather than too little time to spend with a candidate. This instant yes/no decision was based almost entirely on the person's ability to converse, to make eye contact, and to know a bare minimum of information about the firm (a very bare minimum).

- Candidates who had worked before law school were almost universally better interviewers. The difference in poise, confidence, and ability to answer questions about themselves and their intended career path was enormous.

- It is very annoying to hear a candidate refer to their 1L summer firm as "we". Once or twice is fine, as it can make sense to use that pronoun in some answers about your previous summer employment, but to universally refer to everything about that firm in terms of "we" in an interview with a known competitor firm is odd.

- Don't have a spiel. It's transparent and impossible to pull off smoothly. We have your resume and transcript and we'll send both to the hiring committee along with our recommendations for fly-backs, but the reason the firm pays to send three attorneys to Chicago for 2 days is to talk to you-- to have a conversation and to see if you're someone we'd like to work with. Don't launch in to a speech that doesn't allow for interruption or back-and-forth conversation, it defeats the purpose of us being in the room with you.

- If you have a minute before the interview, and if you have a laptop or the firm posts the interviewers bios outside the room, glance through them quickly to learn the basic info about your interviewers. Even just office location of each person-- it's not necessary, but it helps and is a way to show you prepared that easily works itself into your conversation. Knowing practice area is a bonus, but you definitely don't need to know more than that.

- Have a reason why you want to be a lawyer. It doesn't have to be a great one- I'm still not sure I have a great one, but just be able to talk thoughtfully about your path to law school and why you think it's right for you. That question was usually my favorite part of the interview, the answers varied so much and were usually charmingly idealistic.

- Know the firm's general clientele- plaintiffs v. defendants, government v. private, etc. Non-profit work is a wonderful thing, but you're not likely to find the same clients at a Vault 50 firm. If anything, we probably represent the companies you were adverse to and are now maligning in your interview.

Overall I have to say that most people were great. The ones who weren't, weren't, and it wasn't because of nerves or anything superficial like that. Even with no sleep and the constant emails I had to send during breaks, it was a fun day. I even met two blog readers who made me feel like a minor celebrity. I look forward to going again next year, and just hope the judge on whatever case I'm on at the time doesn't hand down a huge, case-altering ruling just as I'm about to board the plane to my city up North.

So, why did you go to law school?*

2011-08-25T01:01:00.001-05:00

It's 1 a.m. in my current location of the 46th floor of the Michigan Avenue Four Seasons in Chicago. I have at least 3 more hours of work to do tonight, which is bad because I'm very tired and have an alarm set for 5 a.m. tomorrow morning. The only thing going for me right now is that I'm in a suite (free upgrade!) so I can't actually see my bed from the living room desk.

[I just realized I re-typed the same sentence 2.5 times before noticing that I was re-typing it. I am even more tired than I thought...]

I'm here for the on campus interviews at the University of Chicago. It is all kinds of conflicted that I'm promoting the firm that is stealing all my sleep and family dinners, while being tempted to warn law students away from this crazy job, while also being truly honestly happy to have it. It's nice to think that 6 years after I started law school, I really do like being a lawyer. And I particularly like being a BigLaw lawyer. I like our cases and clients and resources and whip smart colleagues. I also really like talking to law students, which is why I'm still happy to be here, even though this non-billable excursion is costing me a whole lot of sleep tonight.

So tomorrow I'll meet with 22 rising 2L's for 20 minutes each. These are the so called "screening interviews" before you decide who to fly back to one of our offices for a set of 8 interviews before the hiring partner and committee of that office decides to give that person a summer associate offer. (Then they come for the summer to be evaluated over 6-10 weeks before the office decides whether to give them a post-law school associate offer.) I remember sitting on the interviewee side of the table 5 years ago, nervous and naively excited about my future career. I had no idea what I was getting in to, but no matter what happens over the next year, I wouldn't change anything. Through some combination of meticulous research, interviewing skills, and blind luck, I've ended up at a firm I can whole-heartedly endorse.

Also, walking through the city to dinner with the 3-attorney interview team after our pre-OCI cocktail reception (really, the first interview in this process, no matter how much we pretend it's an informal social gathering), I was hit anew with Chicago love. I miss Chicago more than I ever missed Austin and it doesn't seem to fade with time.

(Also, also, I miss these two little ones.

Hopefully I'm nearing the end of all this travel, though I haven't been sad to miss the Austin August weather. It's going to make me move sooner than anything else will.)

(*I actually never ask that question. Mostly because I still don't have an answer for it myself.)

Toddler.

2011-08-22T22:52:00.000-05:00

Today marked Claire's first official day in the Toddler room, and Landon's first day in the Pre-K "Big Room." Both were very excited; only one deigned to pose for a picture.

so sweet

more accurate

I know it's trite, but when did my snuggly little baby become this big, very independent little girl?

Claire, being Claire, marched right in to the new Toddler room without so much as a wave goodbye. She immediately appropriated a set of plastic farm animals and then spent about 10 minutes transporting them across the room to a little nest she made in the foam "gymnasium" corner. When I went to say goodbye, she allowed a hug and gave me a brief but enthusiastic wave, before turning back to her conversation with two baby/toddler friends. She seemed much older than her 14 months.

But then, tonight, she shrieked when I walked in the door. Over the course of the evening she gave me at least 30 hugs, all of them fierce, with her strong chubby arms wrapped around my shoulders. She wanted to be near me, on me, and she sighed with happiness, head resting on my shoulder, as we sang "You Are My Sunshine" in her room before bed. And as I laid her down, her hands clutching her pink blanket and Landon's loaned duckie, it was nice to see she's still at least part baby for a while longer.

Not Forgetting

2011-08-20T19:57:00.002-05:00

I have two stories from the past three days that I don't want to forget, but first, thank you so much for your helpful, generous, wonderfully opinionated comments on the last post. They've been printed, stapled, and lovingly placed a hypothetical folder under tab 1 of a hypothetical 10-step career plan. I'll be talking more about it, but not yet. And if it helps, the job is truly the same in all 3 places, the pay is good (but the same), and we'd be going for 3-4 years before likely returning to Austin.

Now my stories:

(1) I arrived home from California on Wednesday afternoon at 3 p.m. The kids were home with a back-up care nanny because daycare was closed for 3 days this week to prepare for the new school year. I opened the door and heard Landon yell "Mommmeeeeeeeeeeeee!!" - then a blue blur ran through the house and launched itself at me. As I was crouched on the floor, hugging the heck out of him, I heard a squeal come from behind the tall kitchen counter. It belonged to the Biscuit and she came charging around the corner, as fast as she could go, her water bottle clutched under her chubby little arm, her body rotating right to left as she waddle-walked as fast as she possibly could. Approximately halfway to me, a good minute or two after I'd walked in the door, she looked down at her feet with a mixture of annoyance and confusion, like "COME ON. We should be there by now!" Then she looked back up at me with an enormous smile and bright eyes, tucked her chin down and hunched her shoulders forward, and got back to moving as fast as her little body could carry her. I hope I never forget that adorable, frustrated, determined look on her face.

(2) On Thursday, I was asked to take and then help defend a deposition in New York City from Aug. 30-Sept 2. That would be my 5th cross-country trip in 5 weeks. I was given the right to veto, so I punted that to JP, telling him that while I'd love the opportunity, I would also be very happy to just stay home. He has been working 60+ hour weeks and doing the vast majority of the parenting while I've been flying about, but rather than throwing a hissy fit like I totally would have done when being told of another 4-day trip somewhere far away, he just said, "sounds like an awesome opportunity; the kids and I will be fine." Then, two hours later, I received a gorgeous bouquet of flowers with a note saying "just wanted to say we love you and are so proud of you- JP, Landon, and Claire." I have myself a really amazing husband, and in the best way possible, he never lets me forget it.

Hypothetically Speaking

2011-08-17T10:29:00.000-05:00

I'm in another airport- SJC to be precise, and I am so tired I swayed a few times in the never ending security line. The deposition yesterday was my most stressful 5 hours as an attorney and there were two or three "issues" that arose that were my fault because I was the junior associate but not my fault because they were actually my fault and well, it was a long day. All I can say is it's a good thing I came in to this job as a fairly secure and confident person whose self worth has little to do with partner approval. I understand I can't control other people and their reactions, I can only control myself and be comfortable with whatever actions I've taken. And of course, a few hours later all was fine and none of it was nearly as big of a deal as certain people wanted to think it was- I was even complimented on my "cool head." I smiled, nodded, and bit my tongue.

Yesterday afternoon was suddenly made fabulous by being able to meet up with one of my closest law school friends and her new baby in Palo Alto (her baby who just turned 1, but we're saying "new baby" because otherwise I'll be too sad it took me this long to meet him). We ate a delicious dinner at a Tapas place on University Avenue, stopped for frozen yogurt (Palo Alto has 5 frozen yogurt places for every 1 restaurant, it's awesome), and just like with all my law school ladies, you would never know we hadn't seen each other in person in 3 years. Also, her baby boy is adorable and made me miss my Biscuit quite fiercely. Luckily, after much suspicion, he let me hold him and love on him at the end. We played a game where he chased my feet (encased in my favorite gold glitter flats) all around my hotel room- he found it hysterical and baby belly laughs are a balm to the soul.

After dinner, reality came crashing back with two new crises which kept me up until 1 a.m., a mere 4 hours before my "I have a plane to catch" wake up call. While I do enjoy the fancy hotels and the expensing of all my food, Starbucks, and frozen yogurt needs, I am so over business travel.

Which brings me to a question we'll pretend for the moment has no practical purpose. Hypothetically speaking, if you could move to San Francisco, Denver, or Washington D.C. for the same job- where would you go and why?

Back to CA

2011-08-15T00:43:00.000-05:00

So I'm back in Palo Alto, sitting in sweat pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt with both doors to my hotel room patio wide open. I realize weather is not usually an exciting topic, but it quite seriously blows my mind that there exists a place anywhere in the continental US that is less than 60 degrees in August. I find it comforting, actually. It's after midnight my time, but my happiness at the chill in the air is powering me through all the work I need to get done before I meet the partner for breakfast at 7 a.m. Well, that and the glass of red wine I just poured myself from the mini bar.

In between airplanes and hotel rooms, I have been doing a lot of deep thinking and decision making and even the tiniest bit of picture taking. Behold, my Biscuit, now more commonly called "Bear." She is a force of nature and will likely one day rule the world. For now, she's settling for complete domination of her home, daycare, and big brother.

A quick story: I picked the kids up from daycare on Thursday, and because Claire was in the hallway coming in from a buggy ride, she saw me before I could pick up Landon first like I usually do. So I grabbed her up, with her big smiles, dangerously enthusiastic gesticulating, and ear-splitting squawks of happiness, and took her to the "big kid" room to collect her brother. I set Claire down on the floor so I could sign Landon out (my left side is useless for carrying children and/or holding a pen), and rather than be overwhelmed by the large room with its large, loud kids running around, Claire marched right through the center of them, batting wayward 4-year-olds out of her way, got to the lunch table, pulled out a chair, sat herself down, and then banged on the table, like, "Hey! I'm here, come, listen to your new master." Then she surveyed her new kingdon and nodded, likely thinking that "yes, this is much better. Now, you there, bring me your favorite toy."

I am here

2011-08-11T12:32:00.001-05:00

I just got a comment asking, "Where are you?!?!" (actually, it may not have had exclamation points, I don't want to overstate the importance of my whereabouts, but I am a big fan of the "?!" combo, it just expresses so much with so little). It's a fair question- I've been gone from the interwebs for 8 whole days, which is one of my longer breaks in my nearly 5 years of blogging. And where I am is right here, in Austin, sitting at my kitchen table, not working, with my dogs at my feet, drinking a diet coke and eating a folded over peanut butter and honey sandwich with country radio playing in the background.

You see, this is stolen time. I am supposed to be on a plane home from Seattle right this very second, but I'm not because I made it by 1 second on to an evening flight home last night and landed at 1:00 this morning. And after billing 112.5 hours so far this month (that's billed, not worked, and I didn't bill anything last Saturday), I've decided I can give myself a morning of laundry, errands, blogging, and a pedicure. It feels delicious. I'm going in to work for less than two hours this afternoon to sign an affidavit and do a few other things for a motion we're filing tomorrow and then I'm picking up the kids super early and taking them to the pool.

Out of habit, I was about to write how much I missed them on my trip, but the truth is I was in Seattle for 34 hours and I billed 28 of them. I never left my hotel room, ate room service, walked the 1 block to opposing counsel's office for the deposition, and then hailed a cab from their front step to race to the airport when it was over. There wasn't time to miss them, and the surreal feeling of the whole one-night trip left me feeling like time wasn't actually passing, so there was nothing to miss. But I am extremely happy to be back to them early- it was a judgment call at 4 p.m. yesterday: race to the airport to get in after midnight and be exhausted today because I can't sleep on planes, or spend a leisurely afternoon and evening exploring Seattle and take my original flight which landed in Austin at 5:40 p.m. today. I think I would have enjoyed the afternoon and the on-the-client dinner by the water, but by nightfall I would have felt guilty that I wasn't on my way home and by then I really would have been missing the kids. There needs to be more flight options between AUS and SEA. Well, there just needs to be better flight options to/from AUS period. Travel is the only time I realize I live in a small city.

I've had a few realizations in my last few days of working and traveling so much. One, I love cities. Really, really love them. There was a moment when I stood on the 10th floor balcony at opposing counsel's office (complete with patio furniture, an outdoor kitchen, garden, and putting green; if we move to Seattle, I'm totally applying for a job there and the head of their litigation section already said he'd hire me at the depo, though it's possible he was kidding, I should have gotten it on the record), staring at the streets below and the water just 100 yards away- I decided, we have to move. Not today and not this year, but I have to live somewhere else. I loved living in Chicago for those 3 years, and while I do love Austin and will miss it, I'm not ready to be in Texas for the rest of my life. And not just because the soul-sucking heat is crushing my spirit (though it is), but because there is so much else to see and experience and I don't want to have lived in one state for 98% of my life. But with my family here, and JP and my jobs here, neither of which have any possibility of a transfer, there's nothing to make us go. I didn't talk about it here at the time, but JP made it to the 3rd round of his dream job with Boeing in Seattle back in March of this year. If he'd have gotten it, we would have moved, and a part of me was truly sad when the opportunity didn't work out, even as another part of me was relieved because I really do love Austin and we have a great life here. My new goal is to search out opportunities over the next few years and not let complacency make decisions for me.

My other realization is that I like this, what I'm doing. I don't love the travel, but I don't hate it, and this is a highly unusual month for me. It's exciting to be in the case strategy meetings, the preparation, and the depos themselves. It's also hard and stressful as hell, but it's fun and I'm nowhere near ready to leave this yet. Being a mid-level associate has been much harder than I anticipated. I now know what I'm doing (for some stuff anyway) and that feels good, but the responsibility is much greater, and the client contact, while nice, adds another level of stress and need for constant availability. But I like it. My little family of two working parents has figured out a new rhythm, mostly by adding a new player- a very part-time nanny who picks the kids up from daycare early 3 afternoons a week and brings them home. JP and I still get home at the same time, and we all still eat dinner together and everything else, but I no longer worry about racing out the door at the exact last minute before daycare close and I no longer feel like the kids have too long a day there. On Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, they're home at 4:00 with Miss Natalie and when JP and I get home at 6 or 6:30, the dogs are fed, the daycare stuff is put away, and dinner is in the oven (a tray from the Casserole Queens, or one I made over the weekend). She started two weeks ago and I can barely describe the difference it's made- I'll try in another blog post, later. The point of this one is to say, everything is good. This month will end and I will have gained invaluable experience and client/partner exposure through it. My kids are wonderful- happy, healthy, safe, secure, and loved. I don't get enough sleep, I don't exercise, and I don't have any hobbies, but I have a job I enjoy that challenges and occasionally scares me and a husband who has the same and is the happier for it. I'll still have days where I'll worry about our schedule and where our careers are going (and whether we want them to go there), and days where I'll decide in that moment, this isn't worth it and I want more hours at home and Claire is getting too big too fast and I need to stop it -- I'll write about those days too.

But this morning I hugged my little ones as JP took them to daycare, looked around our home with bleary eyes, and just felt happy that we've built this, JP and me- this family and home and life. I'm proud of it, and that's where I am right now.

Back to AUS

2011-08-03T22:13:00.002-05:00

I caught a late plane late last night to make it back home at 1:30 a.m. I don't sleep well in hotels (well, that's not true, I don't sleep well in hotels when I'm all by myself in a weirdly large bed without JP's large, lumbering, snoring, forced cuddling presence) and my dinner consisted of a glass of wine on the plane, so I was exhausted when I walked in the door. I dropped my suitcase on the floor in the bedroom, stripped off my clothes, and fell in to bed with JP. A JP who, despite scooting over and giving me big cuddles and hugs at 2 a.m., woke up at 6 a.m. looking absolutely shocked to find me in bed with him. Like really shocked. It would have been pretty funny if I weren't so tired.

I was thrilled to wake up with him, thrilled to see the kids when they came in our room, but decidedly NOT thrilled to be back in this nonsense:

108? Really?!

While in Palo Alto and its FABULOUS 65-degree weather (I actually found it reassuring that cities exist in the US where you can sit outside for lunch in August; spend too much time in Texas and you start thinking the whole US is scorched earth), I had dinner with a longtime reader. She's been reading my blog since 2007 and somewhere along the way we became facebook friends and now we're both BigLaw lawyers who can recognize each other on the street! I love that! One second after our hello hug (she held out her hand, but though I decry much of my Texas heritage, I'm a hugger), she cried out, "you have a Texas accent! I never pictured you with an accent!". Two seconds after that we took turns talking (well, we tried, there was a lot of talking at the same time too) non-stop for the next 90 minutes over a delicious dinner at Evvia. CZ, it was so great to meet you and the next time I have a "what the hell am I doing and why am I doing it" moment I hope I have someone as simultaneously sympathetic and "eh, it's all going to be fine" to talk it out with. Preferably while eating ridiculously good Greek food on a pretty street in a small downtown on a cool August evening.

I really need to go to bed, so here's bullets of other highlights and tidbits from the last 3 days:

- Highlight: drinking a half bottle of red wine on my Palo Alto hotel terrace on Monday early evening. I don't really like business travel, I'd rather be with my family in my crazy calm house, but that 60 minutes with my laptop, work, wine, and a cool breeze was lovely.

- Highlight: meeting with a law school friend on my way to the airport on Tuesday. She transferred after 1L year, so it had been forever and it was so great to see her! As it turns out, I know a lot of people in Silicon Valley. If I could take my house with me, I'd move there in a heartbeat.

- Lowlight: staring down the rabbit hole. Lately I've been tired enough (and JP has been working enough, and liking working enough) to contemplate what it might be like to not work this much. For the first time it occurred to me that we might not always NEED me in this job. I wouldn't have to be married to my blackberry, I wouldn't have to lose sleep over emails, I could spend more time with the kids, I could find hobbies! It's dangerous. It's not helping. I'll try to write about it soon.

- Tidbit: I read a blog post of a high school friend who just had twin baby boys. The pictures of the newborns all swaddled, the parents meeting them, the big sister touching their tiny feet-- I cried. Like a lot. And then I texted JP to tell him we were having another baby immediately. He lol'd back and I've since returned to reason, but man, just when I think I've made a decision on that front I change my mind again.

- Tidbit: today I responded to emails from opposing counsel and our damages expert while laying on a table getting a brazilian bikini wax. I kind of want to include that story in my year-end self evaluation- shows my dedication right? Or the first step in a complete breakdown of work-life boundaries. Either way, it's good for the firm!

Written between AUS and SJC

2011-08-01T00:58:00.003-05:00

As it turns out, I needed to fly to San Jose/Palo Alto tonight rather than tomorrow morning. So here I am, in a very nice hotel room, absolutely exhausted because of plane delays, and finding it very strange to think that I woke up in my childhood bedroom in Houston this morning. To update on the last few days.

Friday, JP was home with a feverish Biscuit. A feverish Biscuit who demanded much attention from everyone in the house, especially her brother, who had a very hard time with the "don't touch Claire because she's sick" rule.

The touching captured below is really our fault since we failed to cancel the nighttime wrestling match, but it's the best part of Landon's day. JP is somewhere under there too.

Our little hot potato woke up Saturday morning with another 102.8 fever, so while JP was swimming, I was at urgent care with both kids. For the millionth time I thanked God that Landon is so well behaved because Claire would not tolerate even the tiniest sliver of air between us and my two arms were occupied with my clingy little honey badger and the signing of all the paperwork.

As it turns out, Claire is teething. Teething with a side of possible ear infection, so we have some Amoxicillin to make us all feel like we're fixing something. Thirty minutes later, we were piled in the car for Houston. Even though I had a million things to do and the Bear was officially sickish, I knew my parents could handle babysitting a teething baby and my shoes REALLY needed to be worn. So off we went.

My favorite part of the whole drive is when we turn in to my old neighborhood. And not just because both kids are tired of the car at the end of hour 3 (actually, this time they were both perfect- Landon has finally decided he likes movies and Claire slept for 2.75 hours), but because it is unbelievably soothing to drive around a street you've circled one million times and find everything has remained the same in your absence. The houses look exactly the same, their lawns freshly mowed, their inhabitants surprisingly consistent. My parents have lived in their cute Victorian house for 23 years and it is going to break my heart whenever it isn't "home" anymore.

Upon arriving, Landon immediately charged upstairs to bring down the "vintage" Fisher Price Little People my siblings and I loved so much. He took the boats swimming (or "swimming") and when I went to tuck him in after JP and I returned from the reunion, I found the whole lighthouse in his bed carefully tucked under his arm.

And then there was Prom. I mean the Reunion. It was quite a bit like prom- fancy dress, date, forced pictures outside by the rose bushes.

But quite a bit different as well. For one, my date was 6 inches taller, allowing the deployment of 4.5" heels. I was 4 sizes smaller and paid for my dress with my own money. And alcohol was officially allowed (though some people still can't handle it). Also, the party was at Minute Maid Park, which was Enron Field back in our day.

Though my dad still can't take a picture without chopping off the feet or capturing odd facial expressions! (JP made me crop the one below, but at least you can see my "I have 30 seconds and a rubber band to do my hair" hair.)

It was a good time and I'm glad we went. It was amazing to see how many people looked the exact same... and how many people looked very different. It was 3 hours of deja vu- I'd be talking to someone and suddenly remember that it had been 10 years since we'd spoken last. Several people remembered I had planned to go to medical school, and many were surprised to hear I was a lawyer with two kids (I think the lawyering was far less surprising than the 2 kids). Because we never moved once I started Kindergarten, there were plenty of people there I'd known since we were both 5 -- only 1 year older than Landon!

And now I'm in Palo Alto, in weather I would describe as downright chilly compared to the high of 106 we had in Austin today. I already miss JP and the kids (so much), and am already cursing the logistics of working remotely- otherwise, this weather might just make me stay forever! I went for a short walk down University Avenue and saw all these enthusiastic people talking in cafes. After getting my "but it's so late! who eats after 9 on a Sunday?!" thoughts out of the way, I immediately wondered which one was inventing the next facebook- and then wondered if they needed a lawyer.

10 Minute Ramble Update

2011-07-28T22:04:00.001-05:00

My August:

Palo Alto, CA: Aug 1-3 (prep of 30(b)(6) deposition witness)
Seattle, WA: Aug 9-11 (taking depo of other side's 30(b)(6) witness)
Palo Alto, CA: Aug 15-17 (final prep and depo of our 30(b)(6) witness)
Somewhere, NC: Aug 17-19 (taking depo of other side fact witness)
Chicago, IL: Aug 24-26 (interviewing 2Ls at UChicago's OCI)

My today:

Claire sent home with a fever yesterday afternoon. I dumped everything on my desk in a box and raced to daycare. We snuggled and worked fairly well together. This morning she seemed all better, so we called back-up care and had a nanny come to the house to hang out with her while JP and I had crazy days at work. I worked non-stop all day. I drove home at 3:00 to check on Claire and give her more tylenol for what we assumed was teething. She was super hot with a temp of 102.8. She was happy when I arrived, sobbing when I left. I had a 5:30 call with the President and CEO of our client, the general counsel of our client, the general counsel of the parent company of our client, and our 30(b)(6) witness. I was the only person on the call from my firm and it took four days to get all these people to find 1 hour of time to talk to me. I could not miss this call. I hated leaving Claire. It was the first time in 3 years I honestly felt that working made me a bad mom. The nanny was rocking and singing to her, I believed Claire was safe and being cared for as best anyone who isn't me or JP could do, but it just freaking sucked. I got back to work, shook myself off, and prepped for the scariest call I've ever hosted by myself. I got text updates from the nanny every 30 minutes telling me the Claire's fever was going down. When the call began at 5:30 it was down to 100.2. The call went well and I came home to a much perkier baby eating macaroni and cheese by the fistfull. She's sleeping soundly with a temp of 99.5.

My internal struggle:

I hate that I left her this afternoon.

I hate that I'll be out of town over half the working days in August.

I hate that because all my trips are during the week, I'm not actually missing that many hours with my kids.

I really like my job. I love that I'm getting the experience and responsibilities of a much more senior associate. I love that I've earned my way to a spot on the core team of a complicated, sought after case outside my usual practice area. When I am in my office, I am completely happy 90% of the time.

I hate that it means I don't get to sleep and my DVR is full of shows I can't watch and I miss my kids so damn much.

A friend asked me yesterday if I thought I'd go part-time now that JP was working. I was shocked she thought I'd want to. I don't.

I don't know how to reconcile that with the fact that I also hate the borderline out-of-control litigation schedule I have right now and I really really hated that I had to leave Claire today.

I don't know.

Lunch Break

2011-07-25T21:34:00.002-05:00

My 10-year high school reunion is this Saturday. I knew it was coming, but was still surprised this morning when I realized that July 30th was only 5 days away. The dress is "cocktail attire," and while I have a lot of lovely work dresses, I wasn't happy with my few rather worn cocktail dresses. I tried on the one I wore to my firm's "prom" back in 2008, but I couldn't zip it up more than 2 inches past the waist. It's probably good that I can't fit in to something that was skin tight even at my unhealthy post-Bar skinniest, but it was still a depressing moment.

So I decided to give myself 60 minutes out of the office today at lunch to find a new dress. I found this one in 10 and I LOVE it.

Ten minutes after that, I found these shoes. I love them even more than the dress (and only 2 units of love less than I love my rainbow shoes).

Are they not 4.5 inches of fabulous? (and way better than the shoes they put on the dress model above?)

I am suddenly VERY excited about this reunion. I'm making JP go because I figure anything without kids can be called a date night, even if 100+ other people are going to be there. Plus, he's hot and I want to show him off. (I should really make him read this blog every now and then, I say such nice things.) And, since I've decided the only thing that can make my dress look better is a glass of champagne, he's going to be my designated driver.

I tried on my dress and shoes when I got home from work today. Landon clapped and told me I looked like a princess, Claire was unimpressed, and JP just stared. Success! And I can wear the whole ensemble to the annual firm formal this fall AND to my friend's black tie wedding in the spring. And I don't need any jewelry besides a pair of gunmetal grey studs I already own! It was one of my most productive lunch breaks ever- forty minutes after leaving work I was on my way back with a dress, shoes, and to-go bag of tacos (the dress and shoes, while lovely, were not filling) feeling giddy with my post-shopping high. A high which was soon crushed by a mountain of work and depo prep and emails.

On an entirely unrelated note, I finally picked up the video camera when Claire and Landon were playing with the dump truck. I feel like it captures both the adorableness of the two of them together, and also shows how they restore my soul. Work is crazy and JP and I are still figuring out this new life we're living, but when we sit down to dinner together as a family or when I hear the kids giggle and shriek together, the shot of happiness I get keeps things feeling more balanced than they really are.

I can't watch that video without laughing. And watching it, with my two children playing in the house my husband and I bought together, makes high school feel a whole lot further away than just 10 years!

Alternate Means of Transportation

2011-07-21T15:04:00.000-05:00

Claire now prefers to travel by dump truck.

Fast is her favorite.

But sometimes it's nice to go slow, to better contemplate life and the ways she can top her own awesomeness.

Sometimes she just sits in the truck bed, resting her legs before her next run up the stairs or other attempt at mayhem. Other times she'll go searching for her dump truck and will push it, hunched over with a determined look in her eye, to the room we're all in, just to climb in the back and hang out with us for a while.

But my favorite is when she climbs in and yells "LA-NA!" In moments, her Landon comes running to push "his baby" wherever she wants to go.

I love the watching them come up with new ways to play together, separate from JP and me. Their combined giggles make my heart happy and the time they spend together not only enables me do things like make dinner and maintain my sanity, but with each loop of the dump truck through the kitchen and every laugh and delighted shriek I hear coming from the play room, they actually restore my sanity (and my smiles).

Untenable, part Bacon

2011-07-20T16:20:00.000-05:00

I billed 10 hours yesterday. JP worked 16. He left the house at 5:30 a.m., before anyone was up, and I left with the kids at 7, making them the first ones at daycare and me the first one on my floor at work. I left the office at 5:30, collected the kids and their many accessories, and got us all home about 6:05. Once there, I started dinner and the daily cleaning of all the tiny food containers from their lunch boxes, when suddenly, I noticed the back door was unlocked. Hmmm. We have a housekeeper who comes twice a month and I realized she must have left it open after cleaning the window on the door. I made a mental note to talk to her about it, let the dogs outside, and got back to dinner. About 10 minutes later my home phone rang. I ignored it, intent on boiling water before Claire pitched a starvation fit, but then I heard a teenage girl's voice over the answering machine saying, "Hi... I think I might have your dogs?... I found them near the [super busy intersection half a mile from our house]..." I grab the phone, run out in to the backyard, and sure enough- our back gate was wide open. Our gate has never been open. And it was open on the day that my back door was also unlocked. Panicking on several levels, I talk to the very nice girl who picked up my giant dogs (in her 2-door civic, no less; "I just opened the door and they jumped in, they seemed very excited about it") and said she'd be happy to drive them over. I ran out to the driveway to meet her, thanking her profusely as I hear Claire is screaming from her highchair because I've left the house. Landon runs after me, another big stray dog comes over and jumps up on him, knocking him to the ground, and then my neighbor's dog gets out and runs over just as the very kind stranger pulls up in her car with my dogs' heads jutting out the window, barking at the 2 new dogs now running up to my garage. Eventually everyone's dogs go back to their owners, I thank the girl one last time (turns out, she's a lifeguard at the community pool and knows JP from all his coaching), and I get back in the house to start making dinner at the time I normally have the kids in the tub. We continue on with the evening, and I eventually tuck both kids in bed at 7:45. Then I clean up the kitchen, call the house keeper, pack the next day's lunches and snacks for the kids, and get back to work, emailing one of our 30(b)(6) witnesses with a list of tasks to do to prepare for his upcoming deposition. JP gets home at 9 and eats over his laptop while continuing to work, and we're both in bed around 11.

This morning JP left at 5. I got up at 6:30 to an email from my 30(b)(6) witness who is now refusing to cooperate and wants to withdraw from the depo. I shuffle the kids through the morning routine, increasingly panicking over how much I have to do at work. Landon flips out because he can't see the end of Curious George. I pack his breakfast to-go and get them both in the car and start driving to daycare, pondering what happened with my witness and how mad the senior attorneys will be at me when they find out he's defecting. Like he does every morning, JP calls to talk to the kids through the bluetooth in the car. Unlike every other morning, I burst in to tears and pull over on the side of the road. Claire's happily yelling "dada! dada!", Landon wants to know why we're not moving, and I can't figure out what I'm crying about. JP asks what's wrong and all I can say is I can't do all of this by myself. And I just want someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, but there's no one to say that, and right now I feel like it would probably be a lie anyway. I try to get a hold of myself and JP seems rather stunned by the change in our usually jolly morning convo, but he sympathizes and says he'll figure out a way to be home more, and oh by the way, I'm about to step in a meeting, I'm actually standing outside the door for my quick "hi," are you okay to keep driving now?

The kids go to daycare, I go to work. Though I don't normally do breakfast, I need some sort of comfort food and it's too early for candy. I head down to the cafe, order 3 strips of bacon, and clutch them in my hand while riding back up the elevator. I lock myself my office (with my bacon) and get to work. Hours later, things are a little better. The witness situation had nothing to do with me, and really, it's all going to be okay. I wish I could have written about Monday or Tuesday mornings, when everything went so smoothly and the kids were so adorable and Landon was pushing Claire around the house in his giant dump truck, or Monday night when we had a nice dinner together and played a game of memory before having family story tickle time on Landon's bed. Overall, more days are like that. But the days that aren't feel so overwhelming so fast, leaving me wondering how is it possible to work this much, at home and at the office, and still feel so lacking?

A Very Batman Birthday

2011-07-18T08:30:00.003-05:00

So, Landon's birthday weekend! It happened, it was super fun, and it was all over and cleaned up by 12:30, leaving us with 36 hours of weekend to enjoy. I'm think I'm in love with morning parties.

We went for a Breakfast with Batman theme. It started because Landon wanted all of his friends to come to his house and he's really in to superheroes, but I had no idea what to do with 15-20 4-year-olds (we're still at the "invite the whole daycare class" phase). Then a co-worker mentioned a Batman party she'd done for her daughter's fourth birthday (four is the year of the Batman, apparently), a party for which she hired Batman. As it turns out, you can rent yourself a Batman (a kid appropriate Batman) for half the cost of going to a bounce house! Who knew?! I threw in the "breakfast" idea because I like alliteration, kids like breakfast, and it's too freaking hot in Austin in July to do anything after 12.

Invitations went out (thank you tinyprints for letting me design an invitation at 1 a.m.) and the list-making began!

The real birthday was Friday. It began with opening presents (Batman backpack and lunchbox from Papa and Gigi!) and ended with pizza and a cupcake.

It was a great day, made awesome by a voice mail left from Batman wishing Landon a Happy Birthday and a good sleep before meeting him tomorrow! Landon was so excited he replayed the answering machine message AT LEAST 50 times. He stood on his little step stool, tummy resting on the kitchen counter, finger hovered over the "play" button, ready to press it as soon as the current recording ended. On replay #52, I decided it was time for our little batman to go to bed.

(The red construction paper rectangles are the lasers coming out of his eyes, because Batman has fricking laser beams attached to his head.)

Saturday morning - party time! We were up early to prepare for the 9:30 start time, but luckily we kept things pretty simple. The banner is courtesy of my friend Meredith who was making one for her son's 4th birthday party and mailed one to me because I was busy and stressed and she is awesome. It's still hanging in our kitchen window.

Lots and lots of muffins. Baked lovingly (from a box) by me.

Adult beverages (champagne was still in the fridge).

Fruit, sausage biscuits, muffins, cake, and a birthday boy -- we're all ready for our friends!

I had the table on the back patio set up for mask decorating (white mardi gras masks, adhesive jewels, and feathers), but all my pictures of that area have other kids and I try not to post pictures of other people's kids on my blog without knowing their thoughts on the matter. And since I have a semi-private, non-facebook linked blog, it's hard to get thoughts.

After 30 minutes of mask making, muffin eating, and general merriment, Batman walked through our front door.

Holy geeze you guys, it was like a superstar had appeared. Kids were Freaking Out. Landon wanted to know why he had a suitcase. Also, where is the Batmobile?

Batman announced it was time to play with the parachute! Kids are distracted by bright colors.

Then, magic! Batman has many talents.

Batman posed for pictures with the kids and then it was time for cake. (aka: CAKE!!)

Then Batman had to go. The kids were again VERY curious about how he was getting home. I kept them from finding out Batman drove a civic by decreeing no child was allowed in the front yard without parent, and then possibly suggesting they run to the backyard to see if he was flying away.

They ran to the backyard but just missed him.

And then, just like that, it was 11:00 and the party was over! The goodie bags were given out, the kids were still smiley, and no naps were interrupted. Oh, and my house looked like this:

We told Landon we had to spend 30 minutes cleaning and then we could open presents. JP and I dealt with the kitchen and the leftovers while Landon made great progress on the play room (which I finished once we tucked our little ones in bed at 12:30).

He received many great superhero-themed toy items (making me very glad that we never buy him toys and very aware that his friends' parents know way more about cool toys than we do). Claire carefully recorded everything so we could write thank you notes on Sunday.

All in all, it was a really fun, relatively stress-free celebration of our little four-year-old.

Now I just need to figure out what to do for JP's 30th birthday coming up this fall...

Happy Birthday Lanman

2011-07-15T12:01:00.000-05:00

You've come a long way buddy.

From a preemie with respiratory distress syndrome and a troubling habit of forgetting to breathe, to a very cute, but absolutely exhausting baby:

To a sweet, funny, occasionally extremely frustrating kid, and a seriously awesome big brother.

I truly can't believe you're four, but I also can't believe we've only had you that long. Happy Birthday buddy, we love you so!

Untenable

2011-07-14T15:27:00.001-05:00

It's been a few days since I've posted. We got back from Galveston around 2 pm on Monday. The kids finally went to sleep at 10:45 that Sunday night and have since reverted back to their normal fall-asleep-immediately-at-7:30 selves. Thank goodness because I feel like we're barely hanging on right now and kids who fight bedtime are simply not something we can handle.

The adjustment to JP working full-time has been... difficult. I don't think it would be so bad to have two normal working parents. But having a full-time BigLaw litigator with a busy deposition and upcoming trial travel schedule + a full-time business division leader with a 45-60 minute commute and an 80+ hour work week is simply untenable. Luckily my job is both very flexible and very close to home. I can leave every day at 5:30 and get the kids at 5:45. I can clean containers, sippy cups, and lunch boxes, chop and prepare food for the next day's lunches, make dinner, feed the dogs, serve dinner, clean up dinner, do bath time, read books, tuck the kids in bed, feed the cat, do laundry, and then log back in to work the extra two hours I missed during the day because I did the daycare drop-off and pick-up and I hate making the kids leave the house too early in the morning. I can do all of that, and it's fine and the kids are happy and our schedule hasn't really changed, but I can't do all of it forever.

JP is leaving the house at 5 a.m. and getting home at 9 p.m. (and then working at the kitchen table till 11 or 12). Some days he makes it home in the middle of dinner, most days he doesn't. Some days he can be there in the morning, most days he can't. I miss him, miss our time together, miss his help- and hate that when I'm frustrated and tired of doing everything, I can't even yell at him because he quite literally cannot do more. We call him on the phone at night and Landon asks where he sleeps. Claire cried when he picked her up yesterday. Not. Tenable.

I don't know the point of writing this, except perhaps to gift it to those who liked to tell me I had it too easy or my blog should come with a warning label. As I say every night when he calls and tells me resignedly that he'll be home late again, "it is what it is." I knew I'd feel the loss of JP as an awesome stay-home-most-of-the-day husband, but I understood that he wanted to pursue the career he went to business school to begin. I'd want that too. And we knew he'd work a lot, but we had no idea he'd work this month. Apparently there's some sort of crisis because he said all of his co-workers are complaining a lot about the unusually high hours. I hope it changes soon. Our goal is to make it a year. In one year we can pay off all my student loans with an interest rate of 7% or greater (nearly $60,000 worth; sadly, not quite half my total). I'll make myself calm down about the rest of it (I've never even had a credit card balance before, debt stresses me the f- out) and we'll reevaluate. If his schedule doesn't change by September, we'll reevaluate sooner. I can't do 100% of the home/child tasks and my job, and when push comes to shove, I still make twice what he does, so if one of us needs to make a change, it has to be him. Plus, while he genuinely likes his work and his co-workers, it's killing him to see so little of the kids (and I can't imagine they appreciate it much either).

Two nights ago, when I was talking to JP on his 10 pm drive home (because his commute is now the only time we can talk), he asked how daycare pick-up went. "Good," I said, wanting to move on to a discussion of our weekend plans. "But what did Claire do when she saw you?" pressed JP, "Did she smile and clap? or just smile?" "Umm, both, I think?" "Did she run up to you or did you walk over to get her? Did she give you a hug? Was she holding her favorite green snail toy?"

Wow, I thought, as he made me recount in great detail exactly how the Biscuit greeted me, he really misses them. And he misses being part of all the logistics that I want to complain about. And then, after years of wishing he had a traditional, steady-paying corporate job, I found myself saying, "have you thought about starting another swim school?"

My Summer Vacation

2011-07-10T23:02:00.004-05:00

Three weeks ago, when JP and I were both working way too much, I decided that our plan to forego a family vacation in order to spend money solely on our high-interest grad school debt was a terrible idea. This revelation came to me at 1 a.m. and by 1:30 a.m. we had a condo booked for two nights in Galveston. It's not exotic, but I didn't want to waste much time traveling (4 hour drive), didn't want to do much research (I'd stayed there when I was a kid), and didn't want to spend much money (only 2 nights and bringing all our own food). Landon was thrilled and JP and I were getting pretty excited ourselves.

A week later JP found out he absolutely couldn't miss work that Monday. That stunk, but we decided to take two cars so the kids and I could stay the 2nd night (the condo had a 2 night minimum with no refunds). We remained doggedly excited. The four co-workers who sit closest to me in the office had returned from their fabulous destination- Italy, France, Colorado, and Disneyworld, so I was even more determined that our sad little vacation was going to be FUN.

And it was, until right now. It's 10pm on my solo 2nd night, and Landon is awake in his room watching a movie after crying FOREVER (it blew his mind to see a bedroom with a TV in it; a way bigger shock than the giant freaking ocean out his window), Claire is in my bed sleeping fitfully (a first for both of us; she usually sleeps like a rock and I've never had one of my kids in my bed before), and I'm thinking we should have taken one car, left today, and eaten the cost of the condo. I don't think my kids have ever fought sleep this much. I'm so tired (stayed up way too late the last two nights reading) and they're both in that hellish wakeful, yet exhausted and very tearful place.

--- 45 minutes later ---

And now it's 10:45. I found Landon watching the credits of Toy Story at 10:15; apparently he's like his mama and can't fall asleep during movies. He's now calm and quiet and hopefully drifting to sleep in his room. Claire, after waking up every 5 minutes to cry and attempt to stand up in my very tall bed, is now calm and quiet and hopefully asleep in her pack-and-play in the 2nd bathroom. Back when JP said he'd have to head back Sunday, I'd thought, well, we'll miss you, but I'll just spend my Sunday night leisurely sipping a glass of wine and writing a blog post about our trip as I listen to the waves crash on the beach. Ha, no.

But up until 8 pm today, our vacation had been going so well. We planned nothing out in advance, and but for a 90 minute, $3 sojourn around the Strand this morning (Landon got a mood ring), we've either been on the beach, at the pool, or playing on the balcony looking out at the beach. I still hate salt water and think of sand as my personal nemesis, but I'd forgotten how much I loved a good ocean breeze and the sound of the waves hitting the shore.

And now my kids truly are asleep and I must follow, so here's My Summer Vacation in pictures and 40 words or less:

Lounging

and frolicking,

sitting

and swimming,

working (constantly, poor JP)

and exploring,

breakfast and cartoons in bed,

wave watching.

and lots and lots of precious time spent together:

(making it all so worth it.)

Landon, right now

2011-07-07T09:30:00.000-05:00

Landon turns 4 in eight days and I'm starting to realize how very much you forget from kid-to-kid and year-to-year, so I'm going to try to capture the essence of the Lanman by sharing a few stories and conversations we've had in the past few days. Because, while I know I've written this so many times, he's just so much fun right now.

Landon remains the consummate big brother. He is always concerned for Clairebear's happiness and well-being, even as she now shuns most of his affection. JP and I frequently hear Landon trying to direct Claire to some super fun activity, imagine Claire walking fast in the opposite direction, and then hear Landon saying, "okay, let's go do that!" As we joke, he just wants her to love him, and Claire, she just wants to rule the world.

Claire has recently taken up hitting. She thinks it's hilarious; we do not. The other day, she walked up to Landon and popped him on the head. We scolded her, but Landon said, "it's okay Mommy, when I was a baby I hit my big brother too." It took us a little while to straighten him out on that one...

Later that day he suddenly said with a sigh, "Mommy, Clairebear isn't a baby anymore. Pretty soon she's going to be a big kid like me. We need another baby." I suggested a goldfish.

His teacher just got married and is on her honeymoon. When I picked him up from daycare yesterday he said, "Mommy! We saw a picture of Ms. Ari getting married and she was BEAUTIFUL."

Then, "Did you and daddy go on a honeymoon?"
Yes, I said, we went on one later.
Landon, "But who watched us?"
Me, "You weren't born yet sweetie."
Landon, "What?!"

For as utterly laid back as he is and as well behaved as he is, he is not at all apathetic or lackadaisical. He excitedly flits from one activity to the next. He has opinions about everything, they're just very rarely negative (JP says he gets that from me). He loves to play superheroes, loves to "help" me cook, and LOVES to play outside. I think he has inherited his dad's athletic skill. He was holding a hat for JP to toss a ball in the other day. He asked for a turn to throw the ball and then proceeded to make all five shots he attempted, with JP moving the hat around. We were pretty impressed.

At almost-four, he goes to bed at 7:30, wakes up around 6:30(ish, we really don't know exactly when he gets up, but we'll hear him in Claire's room trying to make her laugh around 6:45), and takes a nap from 2-4 on weekends but never naps during the week at daycare. He eats all vegetables, all fruit, all carbs, and some meat. He plays on his own, but prefers to play with Claire or one of us. He loves his extended family and daycare teachers and always wants everyone to come to our house (again, definitely something he gets from me and not his dad). He has a stubborn streak that is identifical to his daddy's and watching the two of them butt heads on a regular basis is both amusing, frustrating, and a frightening glimpse of the teenage years ahead.

We got him a bike for his 4th birthday present. Since last weekend was the only time we could shop for one, we gave it to him a few days early. He loves it. I nearly had heat stroke following behind him on all the bike rides he requested over the weekend, but he did a great job on his new wheels. I think one of his friends must have recently gotten a bike because he told us over and over, "It's okay if I fall. Sometimes when you get a new bike, you fall down a lot, but it's okay. My helmet will keep my head from being bonked." He never did fall, but it cracked us up to hear his little pep talks about how that was okay.

I started this post two days ago and have been trying to pay attention to the less positive aspects of this age because I keep unintentionally leaving them out. The difficult moments are just so brief, or dealt with so quickly and completely (i.e. misbehavior, sent to room, apologies and reunions, moving on), that I honestly don't think of them when I think of him generally. But I'd say he still has one fit a day (more on weekends when we're together all day, probably an average of 2 or 3). Lately, it's like he's picking a fight because one isn't naturally available to him. For example, he'll request something reasonable for breakfast, I'll say okay, and then he'll suddenly cry out in a whiny voice, "but I wanted [new unreasonable thing]! You're not being fair!" And I look at him like he has a different head. Because, for that moment, it's like he does. I give him a chance to reconsider the tone of voice, to use his words to talk about what else he might like, and then send him upstairs if he can't get back on track (right now, he needs to go upstairs to restart 1 in 4 times or so, usually a look or warning snaps him back). We're pretty emphatic that the whiny voice (or any yelling, acting out, etc.) is not tolerated in the common family areas, but he is welcome to throw a fit in his own room with the door closed if he'd like and we look forward to having him back in the kitchen when he's done with that. He rarely takes us up on our offer.

He's such a kid now. Sometimes when I go to tuck him in at night, I see vestiges of that chubby cheeked little baby I held for hours on end nearly four years ago, but mostly, I just see a fun, independent, sweet KID. A kid who dresses himself every morning, puts his pj's away, puts on his own shoes, carries on long conversations with me, and talks incessantly about going to kindergarten- an event that is now only a year away.

And while I rejoice in his independence and budding big-personhood, I do love the little reminders of how much he loves and needs us. Last night JP had a meeting until 8 p.m. As I tucked Landon in bed at 7:30 I told him daddy would come give him a kiss when he got home later. I meant that daddy would come give a sleeping Landon a kiss when he got home, but when JP climbed up the stairs at 8:45 he found a little Lanman with his eyes WIDE open, like he was trying so hard to stay awake. And when JP came to sit by him, Landon slowly got a huge smile and whispered, "daddy you're here!". JP ended up turning on the light and reading him a few books before coming downstairs at 9 to eat dinner and change out of his work clothes. And while I had fleeting concerns for Landon's next-morning behavior, I knew JP needed those 15 minutes even more than Landon did.

So that's almost-four for us. But for a few daily, temporary bouts of madness, it's a pretty awesome age. He's still learning so much and is so excited about everything, he always makes the every day more fun. He's nearly beside himself with excitement over our trip to the beach this weekend. The first thing he asks in the morning is "how many more days?" and two nights ago, when I tucked him back under his covers at 11pm, he muttered "I'm going to the beach..." I hope Galveston lives up to his expectations, but one of the fun things about four is everything still does.